Saturday, 31 January 2009
Female hormones in beer.....
Cambridge scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoeostrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each within a 1-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1.) Gained weight
2.) Talked excessively without making sense
3.) Became overly emotional
4.) Couldn’t drive
5.) Failed to think rationally
6.) Argued over nothing
7.) Had to sit down while urinating
8.) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong
H/T DML
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Light News...
'British jobs for British workers': Wildcat strikes spread over foreign workers shipped into the UK. Another Labour inspired 'Winter of Discontent'.
Warning from Asda: This milk bottle contains, er, milk. Oh for f**ks sake.
Silenced Christian soldiers: Sandhurst chaplain bans Creed 'so services won't offend minority religions'. Sack the bum.
Removing car wrecks with the dead still inside will ease congestion: 'Mad Mullah' police chief's latest idea. Bloody nutter.
This is why Britain is a failing nation. Heffer on the state of our education system.
Hamas must be brought into peace process, says Tony Blair. Confirmation of what a total wanker Blair is.
Tsvangirai risks all as he does deal with Mugabe on sharing power. He is just prolonging Zimbabwe's agony. Mugabe must be removed by force.
British troops in Helmand get extra helicopters at last. They need a lot more than 7.
Octuplets' Family Filed For Bankruptcy. and the rest.
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Discovery....
Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.
Man discovered colours, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.
Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.
Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.
Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.
Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, man has never recovered.
H/T DML
Friday, 30 January 2009
Fork Handles.......
..possibly one of the funniest sketches ever - courtesy of the Two Ronnies.
H/T DML
Male Sexual Sensitivity Test.....
1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you have both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.
3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you have just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.
6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month.
You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. I hope we can still be friends.
B. I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep.
C. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU.
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
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Evaluating Results:
If you answered A more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really ARE a man.
If you answered B more than 7 times, check into therapy.
You're a little confused.
If you answered C more than 7 times, you da man!
H/T Shelly
A Sad Loss....
Cricket mourns death of Frindall. Anyone who loves cricket and especially Test Match Special will be greatly saddened by his death.
Late News....
Gordon Brown is a busted flush – and he's taking us down with him. He has wrecked Britain. He needs a bullet.
North and South Korea stand on 'the brink of war'. North Korea is so desperate anything could happen.
Morgan Tsvangirai agrees to join Robert Mugabe's power-sharing government. You have to give him credit. Everyone loves an optimist. His power will be zero, if he survives long enough.
How many foreign workers are there in the UK? Who knows. At least someone is prepared to do the low paid jobs.
Child rapist seeks toilet payout. Where there is a pervert, there's a lawyer two steps behind to defend them.
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News....
Three candidates slain ahead of Iraq polls. Democracy still has it's enemies.
Dozens believed dead in reprisal attacks as Hamas retakes control. Hamas proving what a bunch of animals they are.
Wine sale set to defy credit crunch. People drink more in a recession.
The Real Story of the Global Warming Hoax from Yid with Lid.
Zimbabwe abandons its currency. Their economy is now finished.
Alistair Darling pulls out of World Economic Forum in Davos. Coward.
School stages lunchtime pole-dancing demonstration for pupils. WTF!!
'You'll never see your grandchildren again': Social worker's warning to couple after they spoke out over gay adoption row. Sack the bitch.
MARY ELLEN SYNON: Arrogant at home, naive abroad. America is already suffering 'buyer's regret' over Obama. The shortest political honeymoon in history.
North Korea cuts all links with South Korea. They had links!
Barack Obama abandons Afghan President Hamid Karzai. There goes Afghanistan. Karzai is useless, but the rest are worse.
Gordon Brown orders thousands of new council houses. We don't need council houses. We need a new government.
US pours cold water over hopes of Iran deal. Obama is already flip-flopping.
British were complacent in Afghanistan, says Sir Jock Stirrup. They were also undermanned and under equipped. The politicians were unclear as to what the mission was. The military are not to blame. The government are.
This is how it went wrong.
Communicate with Clarity - From Cold Calls To Hot Leads
None of us like cold calls, however in this economic climate many of your jobs will rely on someone somewhere picking up the phone to try and find the business necessary to keep the company afloat.
MORE HERE
Economic Stimulous Explained.....
This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment? A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money? A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money? A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment? A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a highdefinition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ? A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China. If you spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs. If you purchase a computer it will go to India. If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala (unless you buy organic). If you buy a car it will go to Japan. If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan.
And none of it will help the American economy. We need to keep that money here in America. You can keep the money in America by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spend it on prostitutes, beer and wine (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the only businesses still in the US.
H/T Peter Gunn
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Global Business Model........using Cows.
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy....
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive
H/T Mark G
Thursday, 29 January 2009
Late News....
Who do pirates call to get their cash? Typical.
Nato summit: thawing Arctic could spark confrontation over energy reserves. What thawing?
Half of Zimbabweans need food aid. Well they aren't going to get it 'cos no government in the West cares. It is a disgrace.
Switzerland slaps ban on menace of naked German ramblers. What is worse the picture of naked German ramblers or the idea of the Swiss slapping them.
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