101. Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
102. I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
103. When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
104. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
105. What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins “Once upon a time…” A southern fairytale begins “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this shit…”
106. Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
107. You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named ‘Bush’, ‘Dick’, and ‘Colon’. Need I say more?
108. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.
109. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
110. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
111. If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer…oh wait, he does.
112. The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
113. I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
114. George Washington said “We would have a black president when pigs fly!”… well, swine flu.
115. Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don’t make sense. Refrigerator.
116. Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.
117. Life’s a bitch, ’cause if it was a slut, it’d be easy.
118. I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don’t listen, they don’t come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they’re home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
119. You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.
120. Deja Vu – When you think you’re doing something you’ve done before, it’s because God thought it was so funny, he had to rewind it for his friends.
H/T DML
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