When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks, his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches.
Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing,and even walking So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.
"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.
"Well," said the wife coldly, "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you? "
H/T Pete Hurrell
Tuesday, 11 March 2008
Ralph's Surgery
News...
House prices are falling at record rate confirming the end of 10-year boom. Good to many people have been living off house prices for too long. Time to pay the price.
M&S shopper who slipped on a grape sues for £300,000. Effing con artist!
Illegal immigrants vanish after being given rail tickets and told to 'make their way to detention centre'. I hope we got receipts for the train tickets!!
£580 extra to feed the family as food prices race ahead of inflation. Grow your own is about to get trendy!! Where can I get shares in greenhouses?
Democrats rocked as Clinton ally Elliot Spitzer is embroiled in sex scandal. Do the Clintons have any 'clean' friends.
Lighter sentences for 'desperate' thieves. Next the Government will legalise robbery!!
Funding threat to private schools. More effing class war crap from the socialist scum wrecking Britain.
Al-Qaeda's deadly return raises fears for success of Baghdad troop surge. The surge worked, sadly we forgot to nobble Iran while we were at it. There will not be peace in Iraq until Iran and Syria have a dose of 'regime change'.
Eco-terrorists top the FBI's threat list after wave of arson attacks. Eco my ass. They are a bunch of left wing psychos you should be properly 'targeted'.
Roundhead Gordon Brown's New Puritans. Bunch of Stalinist apes.
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Monday, 10 March 2008
Strange bedfellows....better them in bed than in the White House.
Click pic for the rude version. Content caution: It may put you off your supper.
H/T Ted Foster
Old man back from Thailand with his new Thai bride.
Lying in bed, the Thai bride is playing with his manhood, slowly up and down,
and the old boy says "You must love that, you haven't left it alone, since we got back."
The bride replied, "Not really, I miss mine."
H/T Casasquirrels
Enoch Powell - 1968. How right he was.
Taken from the 'Rivers of Blood' documentary available on the BBC I-Player for UK residents.
A MAN WALKS INTO A BANK, GETS IN LINE AND WHEN IT'S HIS TURN HE PULLS A GUN AND ROBS THE BANK! JUST TO MAKE SURE HE LEAVES NO WITNESSES HE TURNS AROUND AND ASKS THE NEXT CUSTOMER IN LINE, "DID YOU SEE ME ROB THIS BANK"? THE CUSTOMER REPLIES "YES", SO THE BANK ROBBER RAISES HIS GUN, POINTS IT TO THE GUYS HEAD AND "BANG", SHOOTS HIM IN THE HEAD AND KILLS HIM.
HE QUICKLY MOVES TO THE NEXT CUSTOMER IN LINE AND SAYS TO THE MAN, "DID YOU SEE ME ROB THIS BANK"? THE MAN CALMLY RESPONDS, "NO BUT MY WIFE DID"!
H/T Casasquirrels
News...
They didn't have to die. Heads must roll at the MOD starting with this one.
Schoolchildren could swear allegiance to Queen under new 'Britishness' plans. About bloody time too.
Zapatero stays Spanish PM as Socialists win. The 'Campesinos' stick with the cowardly poof.
John Nichol backs Bomber Command memorial. Great idea as is the Battle of the Atlantic Memorial.
'Germanic' sunbed row hits P&O cruise ship. Any excuse to post this classic ad!!
Britain's novice bosses 'ill-equipped' for slowdown. You think they are bad look at the idiot's in Whitehall who have caused a lot of the trouble.
Strip search: camera that sees through clothes from 80ft away. This should show up some of the more interesting piercings!!
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A Taliban suicide bomber pulls the plug and explodes.......................BOOM!!!
A short while later he finds himself on a huge white staircase leading towards the heavens, so he starts climbing up. After an hour of hard climbing, he arrives at a landing where an old man in white robes with a long flowing beard is sitting surrounded by ledgers.
'Excuse me sir' he says 'are you Mohammad?'
'No' replies the old man, 'I am St Peter, Mohammed is further up the stairs'.
'But this is wonderful news' screams the bomber, 'Mohammed is higher than St Peter! I can hardly believe it.' With this he carries on climbing up the stairs.
After an hour or so of hard climbing he arrives at another landing. Standing on the landing is a serene looking man with long hair and a long white beard.
'Excuse me sir' he says 'Are you Mohammad?'
'No' replies the old man, 'I am Jesus, Mohammad is further up the stairs'.
'But this is amazing news' screams the bomber, 'Mohammad is higher than Jesus! I can hardly believe it, martyrdom is wonderful!!!' With this he carries on climbing up the stairs. After another hour or so of hard climbing he arrives on a huge landing. There, sitting on a magnificent throne is another old man, with flowing white robes, beard and long white hair.
'Excuse me sir' he says 'are you Mohammad?'
'No' replies the old man, 'I am God.'
'But this is absolutely amazing news' screams the bomber, 'Mohammad is higher than God! I am so happy I can't believe it, martyrdom is more than wonderful!!!'
'You look tired my son' said God 'would you like to sit down and rest a while?'
'Oh yes' replied the bomber 'I am very tired and would love a rest before I carry on, thank you.'
The bomber sits down and God says 'You look thirsty my son, would you like a cup of tea?'
'Oh yes please' replies the bomber 'I am most thirsty, thank you.'
With this God turns and snaps his fingers and shouts..........................
'Yo, Mohammad, two teas over here, and make it snappy!!'
A dog is truly man's best friend.
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you!
H/Ts to everyone who sent this in.
Sunday, 9 March 2008
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Anyone else think this will not be as bad as predicted....
Britain Braced For Savage Storm. The weather bods seem to go for the doom and gloom scenario every time and seem to get it wrong more often than not.
Monty Python In LegoVision
Finally somebody has made Python funny.
Monty Python In LegoVision - Watch more free videos
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And the weather in Ontario yesterday was....
H/T Pete Hurrell who is going to need a bigger shovel!!
Ohio isn't a lot better...
H/T R H Hardin
The Sunday Best...
Al Qaeda Spies working for Met Police...Why doesn't this surprise me. The rush to recruit minority plods is bound to create things like this. A little more vetting and a little less PC nonsense.
Judge rules jail interview with Dog of War Simon Mann can be broadcast. Now this could be interesting...
Now ALL the major political parties say they will raise taxes on alcohol, as they battle to look the toughest on binge drinking. Assholes. They get cheap booze in the Commons while they screw us with tax hikes. Raise the drinking age not the taxes.
Speaker Michael Martin uses 319-year-old law to gag reports on the failing ID card scheme. Possibly the biggest prick in British politics.
Freemasons open a lodge at Buckingham Palace... but the Queen isn't amused. I have never met an honest Freemason. They should be banned from holding positions in the public sector.
Is it ok to park on this rock, sir? 
The grapes of wrath. The middle classes need a proper hobby.
Drilling for oil to start in Falkland Islands. Now the Royal Navy may get some more money because Gordon Brown will want to protect this cash cow.
Calls for national Armed Forces Day. Nice idea. I have a better one. Double the Defence Budget.
Man arrested for 'having sex with lamp-post'. Murder someone and you are home free, but get jiggly with a lamp-post and it's the gallows.
Hunt is on for the "Civil Serf" demon blogger of Whitehall. Why bother the blog has disappeared.
British soldier awarded the Military Cross for fighting off 150 Taliban. A proper hero.
Hamas wages Iran’s proxy war on Israel. And they call this news. Hamas must be wiped out before they and Hizbollah lauch a join attack on Israel.
President Mugabe chooses Sudan and Libya as referees in election. Just kill the Marxist Monkey.
Oi, shoppers – that’s my petrol. Clarkypoos on plastic bags,and the new Fiat 500
Nobel winner: Hillary Clinton's 'silly' Irish peace claims. Stupid bitch.
Rural Britain remains another country. And we plan on keeping it that way. Pity the townies have to come and ruin it.
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Funny....
The IRS decides to audit Boudreaux, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Boudreaux shows up with his attorney. The IRS had demanded $23,000 in taxes from Boudreaux due to unreported income.
The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Boudreaux. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Boudreaux says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."
Boudreaux removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Boudreaux says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
The auditor can tell Boudreaux isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Boudreaux removes his dentures and bites his good eye..
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Boudreaux's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Boudreaux asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Boudreaux stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so pretty much urinates all over the desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Boudreaux's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Boudreaux told me he'd been summoned to appear in person before the IRS, he bet me twenty-thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."
H/T Thomas Harris
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