.....yes I know it's old but do you care.
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H/T Gary Page
Thursday, 20 March 2008
The Policy...
After Mrs. O'Toole's barn burned down, she called her insurance agent to file a claim.
She told the insurance man, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand bucks, and we need that money immediately!"
"Just a minute there, Mrs. O'Toole," the agent replied. "Insurance doesn't work quite like that."
"What do you mean?!" she said. "The policy here says $50,000!"
"That's a maximum," the insurance man said. "What we do is ascertain the value of what was insured, and then provide you with a new one of comparable worth."
After a long pause, she replied "That's how insurance works?!"
"Absolutely," the agent said.
"Well then," she said, "I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband immediately!"
H/T Don Emslie
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Should UK Adopt The Euro?
A cross-section survey of 1000 people in the UK , made up of Afghanis, Pakistanis, Indians, Poles, Iraqis, Somalis, Africans, Albanians, Bosnians, Turks, Geordies, Brummies, Glaswegians and Liverpudlians were asked if they thought Britain should change its currency to the Euro.
99% said no, they were happy with the Giro.
H/T AJD Shootist
Wednesday, 19 March 2008
Fully loaded Ilyushin II-76 cargo plane needs every inch of the runway.
The comments from the control tower are priceless.
H/T Ted Foster
Deep thoughts for those who take life way too seriously
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like......night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
5. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
6. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
7. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
8. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
9. How many of you believe in psycho kinesis?...Raise my hand.
10. OK...so what's the speed of dark?
11. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
12. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
13. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
14. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
15. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
16. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
17. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
18. Just remember---if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
19. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
20. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a really hot curry. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow .
H/T Pete Hurrell
Marine sings answer to Dixie Chicks hit.....
Great Song......Go Watch It.
Cpl. David Thibodeaux was in Iraq with 3rd Battalion, 6th Marines, when the Dixie Chicks partnered with anti-war group MoveOn.org in 2004.
Marine Cpl. David Thibodeaux's song is a rallying cry to stay the course.
He is also on MySpace
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1 Royal Gurkha Regiment in Afghanistan.
Gurkha veterans seek equal rights. They have more right to stay in this country than any of the so called 'immigrants'. The MOD should be ashamed of themselves as should the worthless c**ts at the Foreign Office.
For those who have sons & those who are happy that they don't....
And you also find out interesting things when you have sons, like:-
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2.. If you spray hairspray on dust balls and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dogleash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 20 Kg boywearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 6m x 6m room.
5. You should not throw cricket balls up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat,you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a cricket ball a long way.
6. The glass in windows(even double-glazed) doesn't stop a cricket ball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with bleach makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies,
10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- yearold Boy.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how many jelly crystals you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like jelly crystals.
15. VCR's do not eject 'BL&T' sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in petrol tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that smell is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Brisbane, Qld, has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
80% of Men who read this will try mixing the bleach and brake fluid.
H/T AJD Shootist
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News...
'Defra not to blame for FMD'. Has a civil servant ever been held responsible for their actions?
Free Press Stifled at United Nations, Reporters Say. Hardly surprising as the UN is possibly the most corrupt outfit on the planet. We need to leave it and build something new based on the Commonwealth.
Families will have to spend an extra £572 a year as cost of essentials soars 40 per cent. And the rest. There should be some bargain holidays soon.
Father of soldier whose death was blamed on lack of kit lambasts minister's bid to silence coroner. Browne must go.
Whites 'must do more to help Muslims feel at home' says research group. God save us from idiot effing liberals.
GM food wins backing from Country Life. We have been eating GM foods for years. What do you think cross-breed animals and hybrid plants are!
Postal voting cheats are threat to May elections. It is the only way the left can win.
Things Women Don't Know! Part 2
Women think they already know everything, but wait... training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: Your Problem...Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only
H/T 45 Govt
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Tuesday, 18 March 2008
Only a Commie could think this....
"My friends, we live in the greatest nation in the history of the world. I hope you'll join with me as we try to change it."
-- Barack Obama
H/T Shelly
This is how to treat the media.
For the few of you who missed him, R. Lee Ermey is the host of The History Channel's "Mail Call" and played the Drill Instructor in the movie, "Full Metal Jacket." He is a retired Marine Gunnery Sergeant and a very plain speaker, as you will soon read. So, for your entertainment, here is Retired Marine Gunnery Sergeant R. Lee Ermey at his first press conference. The main topic of discussion is the Marine in Iraq who shot the Iraq insurgent to death.
We pick up as the reporter asks about how this potential war crime will affect our image in the world:
Ermey: "WHAT KIND OF A PANSY-ASSED QUESTION IS THAT?"
Reporter 1: "Well I think...."
Ermey: "THINK, FANCY BOY?! GET THIS THROUGH THAT SEPTIC TANK ON TOP OF YOUR SHOULDERS, MORON : I DON'T GIVE A DAMN WHAT YOU THINK, DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?? THAT MARINE SHOT AN ENEMY COMBATANT, SHITHEAD; SO GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS AND DEAL WITH IT BEFORE I MAKE YOU MY OWN PERSONAL PIN CUSHION!!!
NEXT QUESTION: YOU IN THE BLUE SUIT."
Reporter 2: Don't you think that the world's opinion of our operations is important?
Ermey: "OH SURE! YOU DON'T KNOW THE TIMES I HAVE CRIED MYSELF TO SLEEP WORRYING ABOUT WHAT SOME GODDAMNED FRENCH PANSY THINKS! OH THE DAYS I HAVE HAD TO WEEP BECAUSE SOME SHIT EATING TERRORIST SCUMBAG MIGHT BE MAD AT US, BECAUSE WE WENT INTO WHATEVER GOD FORSAKEN HOLE IN THE SHIT THAT HE LIVES IN AND KILLED HIM. WHAT THE HELL KIND OF DUMBASS QUESTION IS THAT YOU PETER-PUFFING JACKASS? WE ARE THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA , AND WHEN YOU ATTACK US, WE ARE GOING TO COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND BLOW YOUR STINKING CAMEL-LICKING CARCASS INTO PIECES SO SMALL WE WILL BE ABLE TO BURY YOUR SORRY ASS IN A THIMBLE! YEAH, I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE THINKING. YOU ARE PROBABLY AFRAID, THINKING THAT I HAVE SUCH AN "EXTREME" ATTITUDE AND THAT I NEED TO BE MORE "SENSITIVE" TO O THER PEOPLE'S FEELINGS. WELL LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING YOU POLE-SMOKING PANSY! I DON'T GIVE TWO SHITS WHAT YOU OR ANYBODY ELSE THINKS! THIS IS A DAMN WAR, AND IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE THAT, THEN YOU SHOULD GO HOME AND SUCK ON MAMMA'S TIT! DO YOU HEAR ME YOU RUNT? NOW GET THE HELL OUT OF MY PRESS ROOM BEFORE I GO CRAZY AND BEAT THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF YOU!!
NEXT QUESTION: YOU WITH THE UGLY-ASSED TIE, LOOK AT THAT THING! IT IS HIDEOUS!"
Reporter 3: "Aren't you going against the freedom of the press by.."
Ermey: "FREEDOM? WHAT IN BLUE HELL DO YOU KNOW ABOUT FREEDOM? I HAVE SWEATED MY ASS OFF IN JUNGLES, WHILE BEING SHOT AT FOR THIS NATION! WHAT IN THE HELL HAVE YOU DONE YOU LITTLE SHIT-SUCKING WEASEL? WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU PUT YOUR ASS ON THE LINE FOR ANYTHING? AND YET YOU HAVE THE UNMITIGATED TEMERITY TO SHOW UP HERE AND MONDAY-MORNING QUARTERBACK THE ACTIONS OF A BRAVE MARINE, WHO WAS DEFENDING HIMSELF AND HIS UNIT FROM AN ATTACK BY SOME MURDEROUS AL-QUEDA SYMPATHIZER!! YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT I AM CONCERNED ABOUT, NUMB-NUTS? I AM CONCERNED ABOUT A BUNCH OF GRABASSTIC, ORGANIZED MORONS WITH CAMERAS AND MICROPHONES DOING THEIR BEST TO PORTRAY OUR BRAVE MEN AND WOMEN AS WAR CRIMINALS! I AM CONCERNED ABOUT CHICKEN-SHIT PANSIES THAT WANT US TO NEGOTIATE WITH TERRORISTS AND WHINE ABOUT THEIR PISS-ANT "FREEDOMS"!!
Reporter 3: "I .."
Ermey: "DID YOU HAVE A BIG BOWL OF STUPID FOR BREAKFAST THIS MORNING, NUMBNUTS? I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANOTHER WORD OUT OF THAT COMMIE CRY HOLE IN THAT SHIT-PILE YOU CALL A HEAD! AND THAT GOES TRIPLE FOR THE REST OF YOU PANSY-ASSED MORONS! NOW GET THE HELL OUT OF MY PRESS ROOM BEFORE I SHOVE MY BOOT SO FAR UP YOUR ASS THAT YOU CHOKE TO DEATH ON MY SHOELACES!!!!"
Marine DI's have a language all their own. God bless them all
H/T 45 Govt
Update: Snopes claims this is false: who cares! I am getting tired of the killjoys at snopes ruining all our fun
Heather Mills update...
After her outburst on UK TV, a medical spokesperson said that Heather Mills was "clearly unbalanced" - Sir Paul phoned in & advised that placing a book under her leg usually did the trick.
H/T Liz B
Drop In
Servicemembers from the 64th Expeditionary Rescue Squadron, fast rope from an HH-60G Pave Hawk helicopter and secure a 360-degree area, March 6, 2008. U.S. Air Force photo by Airman 1st Class April Mullens.
H/T Mark Scott
Daily Toons...
H/T
Mark Scott one of my contributors who has started his own blog. I can recommend it.
Crewdog attitude...
A US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland, at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.
The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft only to find that the latrine pumptruck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.
As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished."
Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands up tall and says, "Sir , with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without any leave, and reindeers' asses are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's 2:30 in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump shit out of an aircraft. Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"
H/T Shelly
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