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H/T Stormbringer
Thursday, 24 April 2008
View from Denmark....
We in Denmark cannot figure out why you in the USA are even bothering to hold an election.
On one side, you have a bitch who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer, and a lawyer who is married to a bitch who is a lawyer.
On the other side, you have a true war hero married to a woman with a huge chest who owns a beer distributorship.
Is there a contest here?
H/Ts Nebraska Bob & Shelly
From a lady correspondent...
My husband and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink, as he sat alone at an nearby
table.
My husband asks, 'Do you know him?'
'Yes,' I sighed. 'He's my old boyfriend. I understand he started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my husband....'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
Now you see, there really are two ways to look at everything.
H/T Mrs Nebraska Bob
X-RATED RIDDLES.....part 2
Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A . They don't have balls to scratch!
H/T Andi Bridgewater
Wednesday, 23 April 2008
Being serious for a moment...
..I have just watched a brilliant documentary on the BBC i-player entitled 'Ex Forces and Homeless' presented by Ken Hames ( not available to my US readers if I can borrow it and put on You-Tube I will) which covers the problems that our ex-servicemen suffer when they leave the military. We have a duty as a society to do more for those that have risked their lives for us to see that they have a life after their service. I have in the past employed and worked with many 'vets' who have problems adjusting to civilian life and who have little or no support from the people around them. We have a duty to support these men and see to it that their sacrifices are not ignored. I would love to see a program in this country and the US that promotes 'Hire a Vet',where those with the skills and discipline that they learned in the military are rewarded and embraced. Lets give something back to the guys that gave their all to protect us, they earned it.
Let us also remember those who didn't make it back...
Every Sunday morning Rob would.....
...take his 3-year old granddaughter Jordan out for a drive in the car for some bonding time; just he and his granddaughter. One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all.
Luckily, his wife Sandy came to the rescue and said that she would take their Jordan out. When they returned, Jordan anxiously ran to see her grandfather.
'Well, did you enjoy your ride with Mama?'
'Oh yes, Poppa', the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard or lousy shit head anywhere we went today!'
H/T Jeffrey Nihart
The Perils of Flying tooooo Low....
F-16 v. Tree. When your aircraft is telling you you're too low to the ground, you might want to listen.
H/T TSGT 6
DJ Elliott tells it as it is...
The Real Surge Continues: Iraqi Army Corps Formation. They are getting there.
H/T DJ Elliott who I must apologise to for not getting with it soon enough.
X-RATED RIDDLES..part 1
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!
Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?
A. About three inches.
H/T Andi Bridgewater
Breaking News.....
..apparently the first recount/fiddle in Zimbabwe has lead to the seat going from the MDC to Zanu PF. This is of course no surprise and expect the rest to go the same way. Mugabe will only go by force so someone had better arrange some.
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News...
Operation overkill: Police use four squad cars and seven officers to evict group of protesting pensioners from bowls club. The Police don't have the guts to go after real criminals.
Cancelled on police advice: St George's Day parade through Bradford. Ooops mustn't upset the Mussies. If the don't like it they can leave. When are we going to have International F**k Islam Day?
Immigrants make up 25pc of town's population. And Boston is probably the better for it. I have no problem with the Eastern Europeans coming over here. They don't self-detonate for a start. Without them the local economy would have gone pear shaped. The locals are bone idle, illiterate and inbred preferring to live off the state.
'Drunk boys, 13 and 16, raped and murdered woman before dumping body in a river'. Hang them!
How the EU has wiped England and the English Channel off the map to create a 'United Europe'. We should ignore all EU regulations.
Climate change 'may put world at war'. We are already at war.
Tribal rivalry 'limits al-Qa'eda terror plans'. We should encourage the in-fighting.
Zimbabwe: neighbouring states show impatience with Robert Mugabe. A bit of foot-tapping is not going to work. A bomb in his bedroom might.
Hillary Clinton wins in Pennsylvania to fight another day. She was always going to win Pennsylvania. She is still going down.
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A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. "I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"
H/T Shelly
Old Pilot Sayings....part 2
Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.
There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
Always try to stay as far away from the crash site as possible.
Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
H/T Shelly
Tuesday, 22 April 2008
Just in.....
Iraqi Troops: Asleep on the Job?
To which DJ has added: "As he led his platoon across once perilous terrain, Lieutenant Colonel William Zemp was quick to praise Iraqi troops.
Since when does a Lieutenant Colonel command a platoon? That is the job of a butterbar 2Lt...
Discredits the story in the first sentence. A level of MSM incompetance that is almost comical..."
He has a point! There does seem to be a trend in sections of the MSM to knock the Iraqi forces every chance they get. They are always looking to put negative spin on things.
They can still fly them in......
China may recall Zimbabwe weapons. It is time that Zimbabwe was blockaded (I know it's landlocked)and the Zanu Leadership's foreign assets frozen. Any country who aids Mugabe's regime must also be hit with punative sanctions before the whole of Southern Africa goes tits up.
A few less.....
Iraqi National Police and U.S. Army Soldiers from 3rd Squadron, 1st Cavalry, 3rd Brigade Combat Team, 3rd Infantry Division discover a weapons cache near a checkpoint outside Abu Thayla, Iraq, April 13, 2008. Soldiers seized the cache, which consisted of 29 120-mm mortar rounds, 466 2.2 mines, 75 2.4 mines, seven Chinese 107-mm rockets and five rocket-propelled grenades, and detained three suspects. (U.S. Army photo by Spc. Daniel Herrera)
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WTF kind of Pathetic Police State are we living in.....
A father-of-four has been left with a criminal record for overfilling his wheelie bin by four inches. Copeland Borough Council need a bloody good kicking. It is worthless fools like them that are wrecking Britain with their petty rules which are designed solely to raise revenue.
H/T Pete Hurrell
'The Old Gas Station'.........Author Unknown
The service station trade was slow.
The owner sat around,
With sharpened knife and cedar stick.
Piled shavings on the ground.
No modern facilities had they,
A log across the rill
Led to a shack, marked His and Hers
That sat against the hill.
"Where is the ladies restroom, sir?"
The owner leaning back,
Said not a word but whittled on,
And nodded toward the shack.
With quickened step she entered there
But only stayed a minute,
Until she screamed, just like a snake
Or spider might be in it.
With startled look and beet red face
She bounded through the door,
And headed quickly for the car.
Just like three gals before.
She tripped and fell -- got up,
and then in obvious disgust,
Ran to the car, stepped on the gas,
And faded in the dust.
Of course we all desired to know
What made the gals all do
The things they did, and then we found
The whittling owner knew.
A speaking system he'd devised
To make the thing complete,
He tied a speaker on the wall
Beneath the toilet seat..
He'd wait until the gals got set
And then the devilish guy,
Would stop his whittling long enough,
To speak into the mike.
And as she sat, a voice below
Struck terror, fright and fear
"Will you please use the other hole,
We're painting under here."
H/T Ted Foster
This is at George Mason University in Fairfax, Virginia.
Seems that someone decided to exercise his constitutional right to free
speech... and then someone else exercised HIS right to free speech. 
H/T Jackie Gedling
News....
Climate Change: Big Government Left and Right. A good piece on the myth of the century.
BBC News makeover triggers nausea. The BBC always makes me nauseous!!
RAF blow up £50m spy plane. Or something like that.
If Two Jags is bulimic, then I'm a size zero. Littlejohn lets rip.....
Nato alert as Somali pirates seize tuna boat. Don't send the Navy they are not allowed to fight pirates!!
Zimbabwe election recount finds broken seals on ballot boxes. No sh*t. Mugabe will steal the election and we will do nothing.
US defence chief tells air force to do more. Both the US and UK forces need to have a 'cull' of the REMFs. There are way too many not combat 'troops' in both of our armed forces.
David Miliband accuses Robert Mugabe of killing to stay in power. Of course he is.
Lembit Opik to make honest woman out of Cheeky Girl.
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THE POWER OF THE ASPRIN!
A guy is out with buddies, has a few drinks - is feeling a little frisky.
But, true to his wife, he goes home. He finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open, so he gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth.
She starts to choke, but recovers and asks - "What did you put in my mouth?"
He says, "Two aspirin."
She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE!"
He says, - "That's all I wanted to hear."
H/T Pete Hurrell
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