H/T Jeffrey Nihart
Wednesday, 7 May 2008
African Politics: Hear no evil, See no evil, Speak no evil..........
....just be bloody evil!!
H/T M Kohl
.jpg)
News....
Broke Britain: How soaring bills have left cash-strapped families with less to spend than for 17 years. Thanks Gordon!!
'Excessively loud' TV adverts to be banned in crackdown after viewer complaints. About bloody time too.
Gunman shot dead after six-hour standoff with armed police on London's fashionable King's Road. Why did it take them 6 hours. As far as I am concerned, if you commit and armed crime you have the right to be shot dead. No warning, no rights and no mucking about.
Boris hires police chief who cleaned up the mean streets of New York as he puts crime at the heart of his manifesto. He has got a lot to do.
Truancy reaches record high as 60,000 children go missing from class EVERY DAY - despite £1bn crackdown. Fine the parents £50 every time their kid doesn't turn up. If they don't pay 60 days in a chain gang cleaning up the streets.
Top foreign footballers could be banned from the UK unless they speak good English under new immigration points system. This should also be applied to Labour MPs.
Labour's tax on drivers up £600 a year. That's more than my bloody cars worth.
Gorbachev: US could start new Cold War. Oh absolute bollocks. Russia and China are both looking for trouble and think that can get away with it while the US & Co are fighting the 'Islamic War'.
Burmese prisoners 'executed after cyclone hit'. I seem to remember predicting this yesterday.
Johnson plans boot camps for troubled teens. Looking Good, Boris.
John Bolton: US should bomb Iranian camps. What's the point of MOAB if you don't use it.
55% of Labour voters want Gordon Brown to resign. So loyal these lefties!!!!
Barack Obama tightens his grip as Hillary Clinton falters. Don't count on it. the Clinton's are the masters of dirty tricks.
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
Sunday morning sex...........
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away,Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old Grandmother and comfort her.When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,
'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.'
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old
having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
'Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago we realizing our advanced age,we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start toning. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even...Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding And out on the Dong'
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,'He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along'.........
H/T Jeffrey Nihart
Vagaries of the English language.
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce .
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present .
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
H/T Pete Hurrell
Tuesday, 6 May 2008
.jpg)
.jpg)
Indian teacher explains the word "F**k" ... brilliant.
Ok, this is audio only and probably not a good idea to play it loud at work.
H/T Stephen Flanigan
If Barack gets to the WH this will be the US Army's offensive capability.
Spc. Gregory J. Chandler, 3rd Brigade Combat Team, 82nd Airborne Division, launches a baseball bat (to learn how to correctly throw a Raven unmanned aerial vehicle during Raven training) at Fort Bragg, N.C.
Spotlight on the UN.......
How Bad Does the U.N. Have to Get? Jules has a pretty good idea. Personally a MOAB would clear the site beautifully!! Actually, has the UN ever stopped a war? To my knowledge the only 2 UN ops that have done anything useful are Korea and Cyprus and they only work 'cos of The US and UK troops holding the respective lines!
From yesterday....
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.
This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.
The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.
The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course,
as Sinko De Mayo.
H/T Mark Scott
'F**king head down, my ass........
British Soldiers Engage Taliban Hide out With Mortars And Dropped JDAM 1000 Pound Bomb At Them At The End In Afghanistan.
Also....
Britain May Opt Out Of Cluster Bomb Ban. Good and some landmines would come in handy.
News...
Don't die in January, it's too expensive: The callous council which charges more for funerals at times of 'peak demand'. Talk about profiteering.
Desperate Barack Obama begs Democrats: Help me finish Hillary. He will start blubbering next!!
15,000 dead and up to 30,000 missing after Burma cyclone. How many had bullet holes in them? There is nothing like a natural disaster for 'cleaning up' the oppostion.
Miss Great Britain and the Beauties For Britain party to take on daughter of late Labour MP Gwyneth Dunwoody in by-election. My moneys is on Miss GB. I think the British public are just about ready to start voting for 'individual' candidates.
Pasta sales fall in Italy as prices soar. I don't suppose pizza prices are dropping either.
England to be most crowded in Europe. What's this 'to be'!! We are already overpopulated time to raise the drawbridge.
US military chief in overstretch warning on Iran. Just how many sailors does it takes to launch a full nuclear strike?
Men 'not interested in sex'. What next, cats that are not interested in mice!!!
Out of Africa: a growing threat to Europe from al-Qaeda's new allies. What about the ones in the media and left-wing political parties!! The effing liberals will get us all killed.
THERE IS A MORAL HERE!
A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by. The jet jockey decided to show off.
The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, "watch this!" and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?
The C-130 pilot said, "That was impressive, but watch this!"
The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said: "What did you think of that?"
Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, "What the hell did you do?"
The C-130 pilot chuckled. "I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, went to the bathroom, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon bun."
When you are young & foolish - speed & flash may seem a good thing !!!
When you get older & smarter - comfort & dull is not such a bad thing !!!
H/T Don Emslie
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
CHINESE WEDDING NIGHT ......
A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have heard about from other girls... Numbaa 69.'
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her....
'You want... Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?'
H/T Stormbringer
Did you ever stop and wonder......
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'
Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the WC is?
Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Stop singing and read on.......
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
H/T Pete Hurrell
Monday, 5 May 2008
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
