H/T Mark Scott
Monday, 12 May 2008
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News...
£1,229,100,000,000 Brown the drain. Looks like the Sun is abandoning Labour.
Families now need £1,000 more than this time last year - just to put food on the table. And it's going to get worse. Far too much land in this country has been put down to oil seed rape and sugar beet.
Now Labour plans to ban children from school unless they have an MMR jab. How about banning Ed Balls until he has had a rabies jab!!
Number of crimes committed by girls soars 25% in just THREE YEARS. Oh yes, The Gentle Sex!!
Christian couple banned from fostering after refusing to condone homosexuality win battle to be carers after council backdown. At last a bit of common sense.
3,000 more post offices could be forced to close. We still have post offices!!
Soldiers are quitting the army because they don't earn enough to feed their families, says official report. They should all get an immeadiate pay rise. Sack some MOD civil servants to raise the cash.
Prime Minister's anti-sleaze watchdog 'is toothless', say MPs. Doh. You didn't really think that Labour would allow someone to 'police' their dodgy dealings.
Taser stun guns for every police officer. Holy cow. I wouldn't trust the average plod with a water pistol let alone a taser.
Eco-town builder Co-operative is Labour donor. Why the surprise! This is SOP for Labour.
Zimbabwe: 58 Morgan Tsvangirai supporters arrested. Only 58. Just the beginning of the ballot rigging.
Lebanon facing threat of civil war. It's going to go tits up!!! Better warm up the 6th Fleet.
Sudan cuts ties with Chad after Dafur rebels reach Khartoum. How did they manage that. Another part of the world that's F**ked!!
Hillary's Downfall.......
...ok I am not a big fan of these mock downfall things but this one is very well written and bloody funny.
H/T Phillip H.
Tech news.....
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such an ultra-fast shutter speed. They now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
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Thoughts for the week.....
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
God must love stupid people; He made so many.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
H/T Jeffrey Nihart
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WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? (Updated) Part 2
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.
RUSH LIMBAUGH: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that intewesting? In a few moments, we will be wistening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a sewious case of molting, and went on to accompwish its wife wong dweam of cwossing the woad to engage in an illicit affair with a U.S. Senator.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE: I invented the chicken!
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
REVEREND JEREMIAH WRIGHT: Damn that chicken. Does that make me unpatriotic?
H/T Shelly
Sunday, 11 May 2008
Top Gear Modern Control Layout.....
.....how the pedals etc ended up where they are today. An interesting history lesson.
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WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? (Updated) part 1
BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!
JOHN McCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me, although I clearly remember having to dodge enemy fire as Chelsea and I tried to cross the road.
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...
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JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions.
I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
H/T Shelly
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Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?'
The other replies, 'Oh, sure I do.'
The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?'
The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.'
After a few moments, the first old lady asks,
'Who drives you to the beach?'
H/T Shelly
The Sunday Best.......
Scrounging gypsy mum sneers at Britain. Boot them out.
Siege Barrister shot dead by police had been taking anti-depressants. Anti-depressants have a habit of making things worse.
Brown faces disaster in Crewe by-election as poll shows 10% swing to Tories. Poor old Gordon. 10 years waiting in the wings and then everything goes tits up!! Serves the bugger right.
The Red Army marches again – and I fear for all our futures, says Peter Hitchens. They have a long way to go before they are a threat again, but they can cause the weak willed to get the jitters.
British tourists are told to put EU stickers on their passports. Exactly which bit of 'F**k Off' are the Eurocrats not going to understand.
Civil servants fund holidays by creaming off thousands on flights deal. Sack them and take away their pensions.
Barack Obama 'has enough super-delegates to win Democratic nomination'. It still won't get him into the White House. I think he should have Hillary as VP just to guarantee the Dems lose big. Actually the only way Hillary will be Pres is if she is VP and Barack has an 'accident'!
Less aid, more show for Burma's junta. Burma joins Darfur and Zimbabwe on the list of disasters caused by corrupt leaders and our refusal to tackle them. And as with the other two the junta are backed by China.
Inside Zimbabwe's secret torture camps. Just Kill Mugabe. One itty bitty little bomb or preferably a MOAB.
Lebanese army won't take on Hizbollah. Of course they won't. If you want to take down Hezbollah you have first got to take down Imadinnerjacket and Boy Assad.
Terry Wogan is problem, says Eurovision chief. Eurovision is bloody ridiculous. The only reason anybody watches is Terry Wogan without who the contest would have died years ago.
Boris Johnson starts City Hall cuts. Expect Livingstone to be facing criminal charges in the future as we discover where the money has gone.
Chelsea Flower Show in protest over equipment shortage for troops. Nice one. Let's get a pic of Gordon Brown next to it as it is he who is responsible for the lack of money spent on defence.
'Eco-warrior' Prince Philip attacks big families. Agreed. If you want to reduce man's impact on the planet, reduce the numbers of people on it.
I told Tony Blair to sack Gordon Brown, says John Prescott. Or so he claims!!
Feed the customers, or they’ll slash all the seats. Clarkypoos on the lack of decent food available to us and the Citroën C5
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A little golf humour....
HERE ARE TWO THINGS YOU CAN DO WITH YOUR HEAD DOWN -PLAY GOLF AND PRAY.
- Lee Trevino
A LITTLE GIRL WAS AT HER FIRST GOLF LESSON WHEN SHE ASKED AN INTERESTING QUESTION: 'IS THE WORD SPELLED P-U-T OR P-U-T-T?' SHE ASKED THE INSTRUCTOR.
'P-U-T-T IS CORRECT,' HE REPLIED.
'PUT MEANS TO PLACE A THING WHERE YOU WANT IT. PUTT MEANS MERELY A VAIN ATTEMPT TO DO THE SAME THING.'
ART SAID HE WANTED TO GET MORE DISTANCE. I TOLD HIM TO HIT IT AND RUN BACKWARD. - Ken Venturi, on Art Rosenbaum
THE ONLY THING IN MY BAG THAT WORKS IS THE BUG SPRAY. - Bruce Lansky
GOLF IS A GAME IN WHICH THE SLOWEST PEOPLE IN THE
WORLD ARE THOSE IN FRONT OF YOU, AND THE FASTEST ARE THOSE BEHIND.
I'VE HAD A GOOD DAY WHEN I DON'T FALL OUT OF THE CART. - Buddy Hackett
MY BODY IS HERE, BUT MY MIND HAS ALREADY TEED OFF.
I FOUND OUT THAT ALL THE IMPORTANT LESSONS OF LIFE ARE CONTAINED IN THE THREE RULES FOR ACHIEVING A PERFECT GOLF SWING:
1. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN.
2. FOLLOW THROUGH.
3. BE BORN WITH MONEY
YOU CAN MAKE A LOT OF MONEY IN THIS GAME. JUST ASK MY EX WIVES. BOTH OF THEM ARE SO RICH THAT NEITHER OF THEIR HUSBANDS WORK. - Lee Trevino
H/T Shelly
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