Sunday, 18 May 2008
WTF!!!
Royal Navy may share new carriers with France. Only a civil servant could have thought of this. It looks like certain French Defence contractors are looking to con the MOD (which isn't difficult) into buying the Rafale instead of the F-35.
The Sunday Best.......
£15 million: What the DVLA has made selling your private details to car park spies and wheel clampers. So much for privacy. How much longer are the British going to put up with crap like this?
Police didn't have the money to catch burglars who beat me with a crowbar. We must have the right to bear arms to protect what is ours.
Just what has Blair delivered as £400,000-a-year Middle East envoy? SFA, but then what did they expect!
Boris in blitz on City Hall junkets to raise money for fight against crime. Now the MP's need to curb their expences too.
Why the police now have to ask teenage muggers: 'Do you eat chips?' Stalin was an amateur compared to the socialist pricks wrecking our country.
Wartime naval legend HMS Exeter found off Java. Good.
Police seize weapons including guns from schools. We are staring into an abyss up less something is done to restore law and order in this country.
Morgan Tsvangirai delays return. Mugabe is going to steal the election unless we stop him.
Russia accused of annexing the Arctic for oil reserves by Canada. The Canadians are going to need a bigger Navy! Being nice and friendly isn't going to work. Putin is a bully and the only way to stop him is to have a really big stick or better still a 'trident'.
MI5 linked to Max Mosley sex scandal. So what. Mosleys scrawny old nazi hide should still be nailed to the barn door.
Tony Blair’s expenses shredded. How convenient.
China orders vulnerable nuclear weapon plants to be on disaster alert. Yes I can see that 'accidentally' irradiating the Olympics venues could be a problem.
Fetch that crazy soldier, Fido. This could become a sport!!
All rise for Cherie Blair, Judge Dreadful. She is a f**king hag.
Waste mounts as £100 billion web of quangos duplicates work. Get rid of the lot of them. There isn't a single Quango that is of any use.
All guns blazing: return of Royal Tournament. Should never have got rid of it in the first place.
Mercedes-Benz SL 63 AMG. A little Clarkypoos to finish off.
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Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a check-up only to find out that she's pregnant.
She is furious... Here she is, in the middle of her first run for President... Now this has happened to her!
She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming:
"How could you have let this happens? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this! I've just found out I'm five weeks pregnant and it's all your fault! Well... what have you got to say?"
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams again:
"DID YOU HEAR ME?!?!?!?!"
Finally, she hear Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible
whisper.... he says:
"Who's speaking?"
H/T Pete Hurrell
Saturday, 17 May 2008
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Army Pensioners
Army found they had too many officers and NCOs and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.
They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points of his body. The officer to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000. The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his up stretched hands to his toes.
He walked out with £96,000. The third one was a grizzly old Sergeant Major who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my todger to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the woman from the MOD that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers had received. But the old Sergeant Major insisted and MOD, ever careful with the Public Purse, decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The MO arrived and instructed the Sarnt Major to 'drop 'em', which he did.
The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Sarnt Major's todger and began to work back.
"Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'
And the Sergeant Major replied, 'Basra'.
H/T Killem
WHY SENTENCE STRUCTURE IS SO IMPORTANT
The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said: 'Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off.'
'Could you jack off?' she says, 'I feel like shit.'
H/T Canis 61
"...To the guy doing my wife. You know who you are. Yes I know. No I am not angry, I would just ask a few things of you. After all you are giving it to my wife.
1.Please stop leaving the seat up, I keep getting blamed and it is starting to get old.
2.You may be giving me a chance to go fishing more often but please stop drinking all my beer. It is fine if you have a couple while you visit (god knows I drink plenty before I find her attractive), but please leave me a few as I have to be there longer than you.
3.If you do drink the last one buy more or leave money on the counter I will pick some up...."
H/T Thomas Harris
Illusion .....
Look at Einstein, and then step back from your computer ten or fifteen feet. 
H/T Jeffrey Nihart
Men's and women's brains.....v funny.
Mark Gungor explains the difference between the male and the female brain
News...
How rip-off holiday firms DOUBLE prices during half-term. And this is a surprise!!!!
Only one teenage thug in every SEVENTEEN is sent to prison. Time for chain-gangs.
A totalitarian regime in thrall to a Tsar who's creating the new Facist empire. Another bully boy who is going to cause all sorts of trouble.
Osama bin Laden targets Israel on anniversary. Well that's one way of getting himself killed.
Soaring bills leave families just £50 a week. There is going to be some serious belt-tightening. Just watch to see how many more non-jobs Labour creates in the public sector to hide the rise in un-employment.
Robert Mugabe announces date of presidential run-off with Morgan Tsvangirai. I am surprised he didn't also announce the result!!!
James May: Come fly with me.
Defence chiefs have last-minute doubts about £4bn carriers. We need to start spending a lot more on defence. We can start by emptying the MP's pension fund because they don't deserve it.
Republicans look to John McCain to save them from meltdown. Translation: The media are going to do everything to get a Democratic victory.
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A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil crisis here in our country.
Well, there's a very simple answer.
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
We just didn't know we were getting low.
The reason for that is purely geographical.
Our OIL is located in The North Sea
Our DIPSTICKS are located in Westminster !!!
H/T Andi Bridgwater
Friday, 16 May 2008
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