.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
Thursday, 29 May 2008
News...
Bishop says collapse of Christianity is wrecking British society - and Islam is filling the void. We can start to fix the problem by sacking that bearded bastard Williams. He is an effing disgrace.
Speaker Michael Martin KEEPS his £1.4m pension pot perk. So sack him and take away his pension.
BBC urged to sack Jeremy Clarkson after he boasts over speeding at 186mph on public road. As Top Gear is one of the BBC's biggest earners, this is unlikely. Sections of the media have been gunning for Clarkypoos for a while. They are just jealous of his success.
Now we are working 10 weeks a year just to pay our increased tax bill. Another nail in Brown's coffin.
University bans graduating students from throwing their mortar boards in the air in case someone gets hurt. Ho hum. Another bloody killjoy with nothing better to do.
Breast wobble could hold key to women's chest pain. This must have been hard research!!
Gordon Brown personally liable for millions of Tony Blair's debt. Hee hee. Serves him right for turning a 'blind eye'.
John Bolton escapes citizen's arrest at Hay Festival. George Monbiot is an idiot.
UN to rule on Arctic seabed ownership. And they will rule in favour of whoever gives out the biggest bribe.
Syria-bound missile components intercepted, claims US. Nice one. Boy Assad does like to live dangerously.
House prices fall at fastest rate for 17 years. It gets worse and worse.
Ali Larijani gives stern warning to West over Iran's nuclear ambitions. Another Islamonutter.
Russia accused of looking for a fight over Georgia and Ukraine. More bullyboy bulshit from Putin.
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER part 2
13. My mother taught me: THE CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me: ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me: RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me: MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me: ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me: HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me: HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My Mother taught me: Genetics
"I swear you're just like you father."
23. My Mother taught me about my Roots.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My Mother taught me: Wisdom
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about Justice
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you"
H/T M Kohl
Wednesday, 28 May 2008
25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER part 1
1. My mother taught me: TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me: RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me: TIME TRAVEL .
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me: LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me: MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me: FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me: IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me:CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me: WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me: HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
H/T M Kohl
One story I missed....
Blackouts hit thousands as generators fail. Britain: A developed nation!!!!! Sadly I think this is going to become a regular occurrance.
H/T Kirk.
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
News....
Britain is now 'worse than Iraq'. We need to abolish the gun control laws. An armed citizen is a safe citizen. If the police are not interested in protecting the British public, then the public must be allowed to protect themselves. In Brown's Britain anything useful that costs money such as defence and policing come second to bloated bureaucracy and the effing wasteful education and health departments which are packed full of the Labour faithful.
As we all feel the pinch, MPs say: 'Pay us £100,000 a year'. Guy Fawkes had the right idea. They are not worth tuppence.
Repossessions crisis 'could be worse than 1992'. Another headline to make homeowners feel better!! Sometimes the media should shut up instead of scaremongering. Actually they did it in '92 as well. They media are very good at turning a crisis into a full blown disaster.
Don't catch any more thieves - the prisons are FULL, say guards.
A) build more prisons, B) introduce chain-gangs, C) bring back the death penalty and back date it to 1965.
HMS Superb nuclear submarine damaged in Red Sea crash. Oooops. Pity the Telegraph can't be bothered to get the right picture for the story.
Lecturers to debate 'boycott' of Israeli universities. A bunch of wankers. Academics should be dissuaded from thinking they are not very good at it.
Barack Obama gets Fidel Castro's support. Kennedy, Kerry and Castro hell all he needs is Chavez and he has the full set of commie c**nts.
Olympic Games £2.2 bn fund may be raided. As will every other available public purse.
Britain ready to sign cluster-bomb treaty. Next they will want to abolish bullets.
Australian soldiers 'ashamed' at lack of action in Iraq and Afghanistan. I doubt things will change with their new leader. They could always join the British Army, they need all the help they can get.
UN concerned by Iran nuclear plant. Don't worry little UNies, when Israel bombs it off the face or the earth you can 'be concerned' about 'nasty Zionist aggression' instead.
Al Qaeda Calls For WMD Attacks On West. It would be rude not to send them some 'samples'.
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
Fridays In Hell
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...
Satan: 'Why so glum?'
Guy: 'What do you think? I'm in hell!'
Satan: 'Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?'
Guy: 'Sure, I love to drink.'
Satan: 'Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca.
We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway.'
Guy: 'Gee that sounds great!'
Satan: 'You a smoker?'
Guy: 'You better believe it'
Satan: 'All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer no biggie, you're already dead, remember?'
Guy: 'Wow...that's awesome!'
Satan: 'I bet you like to gamble.'
Guy: 'Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.'
Satan: 'Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow..'
Guy: 'Cool!'
Satan: 'What about drugs?'
Guy: 'Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?'
Satan: 'That's right! Thursday is drug day.. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares.'
Guy: 'Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!'
Satan: 'You gay?'
Guy: 'No...'
Satan: 'Oooo, Fridays are gonna be tough...'
H/T Ted Foster
Tuesday, 27 May 2008
.jpg)
Question for the Day: How much does a civil servant cost?
Taking into account wages, paperclips, computers, electricity bills etc. I am just wondering if anybody has ever worked it out. And that is before you factor in the cost of cockups of which there are plenty. I would love to know the figure because I can guarantee they are not worth it.
.jpg)
A classic......no apologies for reposting.
To: All Al Qaeda Fighters
From: Osama bin Laden
Subject: The Cave (Do Not Distribute Outside the Organization).
Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come together as a group and I love that! However, while we continue to fight a Jihad in this New Year, we can't forget to take care of the cave, and frankly I have a few concerns:
First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) - so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've done my bit on the cleaning rota ..have you? I've posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the halal toaster).
Second , it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the s**t out of most of the world's population, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or keep doing the 'Wassup' thing. Thanks.
Third : Food. I bought a box of Dairylea recently, clearly wrote "Ossy" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my Dairylea slices were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.
Fourth : I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance ourselves from the Infidel's bat and ball games. Please do not chant "Ossy, Ossy, Ossy, Oy, Oy, Oy" when I ride past on the donkey. Thanks.
Five : Graffiti. Whoever wrote "OSAMA F***S DONKEYS" on the group toilet wall. It's a lie, the donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain.
Six : The use of chickens is strictly for food. Assam, the old excuse that the 'chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain' will not be accepted in future. (With donkeys, there is a grey area.)
Finally , we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and Dave.
Love you lots,
Group Hug.
Os.
PS - I'm sick of having "Osama Bed Linen" scribbled on my laundry bag. Cut it out, it's not funny anymore.
H/T M Kohl
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
