Monday, 23 June 2008
Touché....
A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'
'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, 'Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!'
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'
Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered, 'Yes, he sure did!'
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top!'
H/T Joker
Sunday, 22 June 2008
Marxist Thug 1 - Democracy 0....
Tsvangirai Pulls Out Of Run-Off. Once again violence and corruption have won, while the West sits around too scared to take down a loathsome scumbag like Mugabe. The outcome is that every other tinpot dictator on the continent of Africa, Central America and the Middle East can crush all opposition to their evil rule safe in the knowledge that the 'civilized nations' will never lift a finger to stop them. It is no wonder that Al-Queda and the Islamonazis are spreading across the undeveloped world as Christianity is it full retreat. Thousands of people are about to be starved, beaten, raped or murdered because 'our Governments don't care'.
David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex.....
#10... A below par performance is considered damn good.
#9... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
#8... It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
#7... Foursomes are encouraged.
#6... You can still make money doing it as a senior.
#5... Three times a day is possible.
#4... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
#3... If you live in Florida , you can do it almost every day.
#2... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.
And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex.....
#1... When your equipment gets old you can replace it!
H/T Jeffrey Nihart
From the Jo'burg Star.....
"The situation is absolutely under control," Transport Minister Ephraim Magagula told the Swaziland parliament in Mbabane. "Our nation's merchant navy is perfectly safe. We just don't know where it is, that's all."
Replying to an MP's question, Minister Magagula admitted that the landlocked country had completely lost track of its only ship, the Swazimar: "We believe it is in a sea somewhere. At one time, we sent a team of men to look for it, but there was a problem with drink and they failed to find it, and so, technically, yes, we've lost it a bit. But I categorically reject all suggestions of incompetence on the part of this government. The Swazimar is a big ship painted in the sort of nice bright colours you can see at night. Mark my words, it will turn up. The right honourable gentleman opposite is a very naughty man, and he will laugh on the other side of his face when my ship comes in."
H/T Thomas Harris
This would make a good ad...'Vanishing Point 2008' with the new Dodge Charger.
H/T William E. Stephens
It's choke your children time....
..LEGO shaped 'snacks'!!! They are real and nutritional!
H/T Thomas Harris
Cool......
"A U.S. F-22 Raptor flies with the British Royal Air Force aerobatic team, The Red Arrows, during a practice flight June 18, 2008, over Langley Air Force Base, Va., for an air show June 20, 2008. U.S. Air Force photo by Staff Sgt. Samuel Rogers"
H/T DML
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The Sunday Best....
Police are forced to cut frontline jobs to save on fuel cost. Try cutting back on donuts!
For sale on eBay: The Harrier jet that would make the perfect addition to any back garden. Nice to see that the MOD doesn't need it anymore. It is not as if we are short of kit!!!
Young Muslims 'are turning to extremism'. Hardly surprising as the Judges refuse to stop the extremists from preaching their filth.
Army crisis as 10,000 troops are unfit to fight. Gordon Brown is systematically and maliciously destroying our armed forces. He must be made to pay for it.
US officials 'despair' at Nato allies' failings in Afghanistan. NATO is becoming a joke. Those countries not prepared to pull their weight should be booted out.
Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson in BBC 'fat cats' row. As Top Gear is one of the BBC's only good programs and is sold all over the world he deserves it. It is one of the few shows that create a decent finantial return for the licence payer. Most of the BBCs output is crap. They can and do make some good stuff but there is too much rubbish and their biased news coverage is a national disgrace.
MPs set to claim £40,000 perk. Greedy self-serving scum.
Whites huddle and pray as mob closes in.
Zimbabwe: Britain blames six of Robert Mugabe's officials for election violence. Sod naming them. Send in troops to kill them.
Opposition hold poll crisis talks as death squads roam Zimbabwe. Another reason why we should go in.
Army ‘vacuum’ missile hits Taliban. Way to go. That should teach the Taleban not to hide in caves.
and the Clarkypoos bit
Oi, get your hands off my lap dancers.
Mercedes-Benz SL 350. Mr Weedy comes up with the goods.
Top Gear returns with a new series tonight so expect to see some new bits here next week.
Dougie Lampkin tears up Goodwood House. Bike riding doesn't get better than this...
..if you are into bikes you must see this.
H/T Liz B
Iowa Assistance
Where are all of the Hollywood celebrities holding telethons asking for help in restoring Iowa and helping the folks affected by the floods?
Where is all the media asking the tough questions about why the federal government hasn't solved the problem? Asking where the FEMA trucks (and trailers) are?
Why isn't the Federal Government relocating Iowa people to free hotels in Chicago?
When will Spike Lee say that the Federal Government blew up the levees that failed in Des Moines?
Where are Sean Penn and the Dixie Chicks?
Where are all the looters stealing high-end tennis shoes and big screen television sets?
When will we hear Governor Chet Culver say that he wants to rebuild a "vanilla" Iowa, because that's the way God wants it?
Where is the hysterical 24/7 media coverage, complete with reports of cannibalism?
Where are the people declaring that George Bush hates white, rural people?
How come in 2 weeks, you will never hear about the Iowa flooding ever again?
H/T Shelly
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Kids Are Quick....
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
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TEACHE R: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
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TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: ! Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
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TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
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TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
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TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
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TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
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TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.
H/T AJD Shootist
Saturday, 21 June 2008
A letter to the folks back home on the farm.....
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls -eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Alice
H/T Shelly
On the 09.51 Weymouth to Waterloo service a droll public service announcement:
"Thank you for travelling with SouthWest Trains. Please make sure you take all your belongings when leaving the train. This is particularly important if you work for Her Majesty's Government."
H/T Joker
'British Airways'....
A mother, with three daughters about to be wed, told each one of them to write back about their marriage. But to avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing intimate details, the mother and daughters agreed to use newspaper advertisements as a "code" to let the mother know how their love lives are going.
The first one got married, and on the second day sent a letter saying only, "MAXWELL HOUSE COFFEE." So the mother got out the newspaper and checked the Maxwell Coffee House advertisement which read: "SATISFACTION TO THE LAST DROP..." And she was happy for her daughter.
Then the second daughter was wed. After a week, the mother received the message, "BENSON & HEDGES." Again, checking her paper, she saw the store ad with the huge headline banner: "FULL SIZE, KING SIZE" And she knew her daughter was happy.
Last, the third daughter was married. The mother became anxious as time went by with no letter. Finally, after four weeks, she received a message merely stating, "BRITISH AIRWAYS." Eagerly looking at the ad, the mother fainted when she read: "THREE TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS".
H/T AJD Shootist
