If you get an e-mail with 'Nude Photos of Sarah Palin' in the subject line: DO NOT OPEN IT.
It might contain a virus.
If you get an e-mail with 'Nude Photos of Hillary Clinton' DO NOT OPEN IT.
It might contain nude photos of Hillary Clinton.
H/T Stormbringer.
Sunday, 28 September 2008
WARNING! VIRUS ALERT
Procrastinator's Creed.....
1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero.
8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.
13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
H/T DML
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Saturday, 27 September 2008
News...
Radical cleric Bakri's pole-dancer daughter. That's a different interpretation of a burqa!
Middle classes leading the flight as 250,000 quit London. Just what the countryside needs is thousands of bloody townies coming out and telling us how to do things.
Pardon Messieurs, but champagne was a BRITISH invention. That should take the fizz out of the frogs.
Personal records of thousands of RAF staff stolen from MoD. The MoD are a bloody liability.
Army chiefs 'will not send more soldiers to fight in Afghanistan'. Our guys need a bloody good rest. We need to increase the size of our forces to avoid overstretch.
Sales of £100m superyachts are soaring. The rich are always going to be buying toys.
Pakistan could defeat militants in months. Only if they want to, and I am not so sure they do.
Exploding custard truck sends driver running. Damn dangerous stuff custard.
Car bomb kills 17 in Damascus. Oh dear!
In the beginning, there was the car. James May's latest column.
Russia to build missile defence shield and renew nuclear deterrence. Tut tut.
The Russians Deploy to Somalia. The Russians seem to be 'deploying to a lot of places.
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Friday, 26 September 2008
Time for action.....
Somalia's pirates seize 33 tanks. Ok in WW2 both sides had pirate raiders, or heavily armed merchantmen. The time has come to play the same trick on these pirate scum. Somalia is a shithole and the time has come for us to neutralize the problem before it becomes a bigger haven for Al Queda and the rest of the Islamoloonies. the Russians in their attempts to restore the Soviet era are heading that way, if we sit back and do nothing Putin and his cronies will have another place where they can shit stir.
An A to Z of what every man doesn't need.....
AMUSING NECKWEAR: Does anyone still wear ties with jolly pictures of half-naked ladies on them, or wacky sequin patterns, or maps of the London Underground? I'm pretty sure I never did. So why are so many of them hanging in my cupboard?
BARBECUE: Every man has one, even if he lives in a 25th-floor flat with no balcony and permanently locked windows. The barbecue represents ultimate 'man cooking' - charcoal on the outside, salmonella in the middle, washed down with so much beer you don't notice.
CABLES: They sit in drawers and clear plastic stacking boxes, hundreds of them, all tangled up like mating eels. You have no idea what they are meant to connect, or which plug goes with which machine. But you keep them just in case you ever find the things that go on the end of them and might need them for something. Well, you never know.
DIY EQUIPMENT: Which of us truly knows how to make best use of a multi-functional cordless drill (with sanding attachment)? Who has any timber to clamp to their Black & Decker Workmate bench, still less the skill to do anything useful with it? Not many, I'll bet. Yet we've all gone down to Homebase or B&Q and been seduced by the joys of hardware and ironmongery. Then we've put it somewhere safe, which is where it remains to this day.
ENGLAND SHIRT: Football, cricket or rugby, most of us have got one, even if we don't like to admit it (or a Scotland/Wales/Northern Ireland shirt for those in the Celtic fringe). Mine was signed by ex- England goalie Peter Shilton. That's my excuse.
FLASHING BOW-TIE: A little girl gets her daddy a flashing bow-tie for Christmas. He does not need a flashing bow-tie, but of course he does not tell her that. He certainly does not throw the tie away, so it sits unused in his chest of drawers for year after year, even when the girl has grown up and gone to university. (That's a true story, by the way. Sorry, darling).
GOLF GEAR: He has the clubs, the tea-cosies to put on the end of the clubs, the special go-faster balls, the instructional books and DVDs, the computer game for when he can't get on an actual course. And he's still not Tiger Woods. Not even close.
HAIR RESTORER: It's medically proven to work. Only it made my scalp itch. So I never used it more than three times. But it seemed like such a waste to throw away £40 worth of product that was supposed to last months. So I didn't. Ho-hum.
IMPLAUSIBLE SPORTSWEAR: What possessed you to buy a pair of skin-tight, lunchbox- revealing Lycra shorts? And that wetsuit, how often have you worn it? About as often as you've put on the gear you were going to wear to the gym that you somehow don't have time to visit. Best not get rid of it, though. You might just need it one day. Maybe.
JUNK: There's so much of it, everywhere, of so many different kinds. We don't know how it got there. We don't know what to do with it. We only know that it must not be thrown away.
KING OF SHAVES: Just one of countless shaving foam variations with which men will experiment when bored with getting endless cans of Gillette. Then they realise that although it gives them a terrific shave, it makes all their cut stubble stick to the side of the basin after the water's drained. Cue monumental disharmony between man and partner.
LAVATORY BOOKS: Men have two alternative toilet styles. The first is what Grand Prix teams would call a 'splash 'n' dash' (except they're referring to fuel top-ups). The second is a more leisurely, contemplative affair and it absolutely requires books filled with quickly-digestible nuggets of humour, trivia and light-hearted social observation. These books then accumulate around a loo, unopened for years at a time, gathering dust, while the man of the house decides he'd rather be reading the newspaper sports pages instead.
MAPS: I do not need to ask anyone for directions, because I am a man and can read a map. So everywhere I go, I buy a map. Then I bring the map home. I have a ridiculous number of maps. And I don't use any of them because now I've got a satnav.
NOSE-HAIR CLIPPERS: Why would anyone want an instrument dedicated to pruning their nostril rug? Who could possibly think that a man would want a nasal strimmer enough to give them one for Christmas? And who would make such a thing in the first place? All these are deep mysteries, never properly explained. Yet still men accumulate nose-hair clippers - anything more than a matching pair seems excessive, doesn't it?
ODD SOCKS: It shouldn't be hard to keep track of our socks - yet somehow they make escape bids. Or perhaps they just get divorced. Either way, we keep ending up with odd socks. And we keep all those lonely single socks hanging around in case the other sock turns up. But it never does.
PAINT POTS: Just as the entire history of an ancient site can be determined by digging down through layers of civilisation, so the entire decorative history of the average suburban semi can be found by going into the garage and looking at all the half-empty paint pots cluttering it up. Every colour you have ever used will be there. But if you ever open the lid, the paint will be a colourless gunk, topped by a thin smear of brown liquid.
QUEEN'S GREATEST HITS: OK chaps, get those tennis rackets out. Assume the air-guitar position (unless you're gay, in which case by all means be Freddie). 1,2,3,4.. .we will, we will,
RAZORS: We want the best a man can get, so we keep buying new razors. Each is more expensive than the last, with more blades and a slightly different gimmick: a strip of skin-balm that melts with the first shave, or a battery powered vibrating capacity, or a built-in Goblin Teasmade. And every time we buy a new one, we shove the old one in the cupboard next to the unused aftershaves. Freddy Krueger could make several razor-tipped gloves from the ones stuck in the back of most bathroom cabinets.
SHED: It's mine, you can't come in and, no, I'm not going to tell you what I've got in there, or what I do.
TOOTHBRUSHES: Once upon a time, a toothbrush was just a few bristles on the end of a plastic stick. Then some genius realised that men are suckers for gadgets. Now you can get electric toothbrushes, bendy toothbrushes and toothbrushes with rubber tongue-scrapers. You can, and if you're a man, you do.
UNPLAYED GUITAR: Because it turns out you're not a rock monster after all. But it does look pretty cool anyway, just propped up against a wall in the corner. Just ask Tony Blair.
VINYL: It would be a crime to get rid of all those old LPs. They're symbols of youth and the golden age of classic rock. Pity you haven't got a turntable any more. But then you can always stick them in the garage, next to the pots of paint.
WASH, THE: For women, washing clothes is a chore. For men 'the wash' is a kind of parallel universe into which their clothes disappear, and are kept until they magically reappear. In the meantime, we have no idea where these clothes actually are, and may be forced to go and buy identical garments, just in case they never return.
X-RATED DVDS AND MAGAZINES: I don't have any, obviously. But apparently other men do.
YELLOW SWEATSHIRT: There is a strict rule when buying clothes from catalogues: never choose the clothes being worn by the incredibly cool, shaven-headed black dude, because they won't look half as good on a sad old, pasty-faced git like you. This is the kind of lesson you learn AFTER you buy a snug-fitting canary-yellow sweatshirt.
ZZZZZZ: Somewhere in every man's house there is a chair, sofa or leather upholstered recliner on which he can snooze, often in front of a television. Women, for some unknown reason, long to get rid of the snoozing-chair and the television, but they know that this would risk war. So they just move them around instead, rearranging the furniture when the man isn't looking. In the name of all that's holy - WHY?
H/T Old Dude
It's a date...
Bill Clinton and Barack Obama are having lunch tomorrow in New York.
At least, that’s what Bill is telling Hillary.
H/T DML
News....
THE daughter of hate cleric Omar Bakri Mohammed is a POLE DANCER. Daddy must be very proud!!
Back to the Dark Ages: National Grid raises the spectre of blackouts this winter. So much for Labour's energy policy.
Could Clinton still come back? Internet buzzes with rumours Biden will be replaced by Hillary as Obama's running mate. The media are behing the blogs as usual. We posted this story on the 18th.
Zimbabwe president Robert Mugabe accuses Britain of genocide in UN. For f**ks sake someone shoot the bastard. This is a good diversion for the story below.
Zimbabwe power-sharing deal faces disaster. We must send in troops to take out Mugabe and his hencemen or at least some tactical air strikes.
President George W Bush 'turned down Israeli request to bomb Iran'. Could be a big mistake. I think Iran are far closer to having the bomb than our 'intelligence' suggests.
Lewis Hamilton and Felipe Massa gear up for historic Singapore night race. No jokes about not being able to see Hamilton!
Poland set to impose chemical castration after outrage over incest case. This would also work on Liberals.
Pakistan and US troops exchange fire. Pakistan needs to work out which side they are on and fast.
Heavy Metal in Iran. Jules has the story.
'No room' in jail for fraudster. WTF! If we brought back the death penalty and back dated it, we would soon have plenty of space.
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Thursday, 25 September 2008
Smart boy...
An old man sitting on his front porch in Louisiana watching the sunrise sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.
He yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
The boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire."
The old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"
The boy says, "Catch some chickens."
The old man yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise, he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
At the same time the next morning, the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.
The old man yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
The boy yells back, "Roll of duck tape."
The old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"
The boy says back, "Catch me some ducks."
The old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night, around sunset, the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement, he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
At the same time the next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.
The old man says, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
The boy says, "It's a pussy willow."
The old man says "Hold on, I'll get my hat."
H/T N Castle
Boo.......
Cheerleaders ditch revealing shorts after complaints from spectators. Now where's the fun it that?
Light News...
Media chronicles. The media's open support for Obama.
Now Europe wants us to keep headlights on ALL day - inflating fuel costs by up to £160 a year. They obviously have nothing better to do than dream up rubbish like this.
Fusionman Yves Rossy attempts to fly solo across Channel using jet-powered wing. This will either go really well or very badly.
Queen asks Parliament for millions of extra funding. She is worth every penny unlike those useless tossers in Parliament.
Russia to ban Simpsons and South Park. Putin vs Southpark. This should be fun.
North Korea kicks out inspectors and reopens nuclear plant. Again!!
Father of the internet: 'web is running out of addresses'. Not quite.
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