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Monday, 17 November 2008
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Sunday, 16 November 2008
Quote of the Day...
'Baby P cannot be identified. Baby P is dead. Give this little boy one last piece of humanity and call him by his name. If Councils cannot afford to care for our children, then how do they afford to pay for homosexual rights, lesbian awareness, Bangladeshi rooms, multi-lingual publications, three monthly broadsheets that are never read, staff that contribute nothing to society as a whole and the Borough in particular and a myriad of other worthless cost beside???? '
H/T Stephen F
The Ultimate Back Seat........
...I doubt if there is a true Englishman who wouldn't give anything to ride in this beauty. The only thing better would be to be in the front seat.
The Top Gear Boys even managed to find 3 of them...
101 Things NOT to say during sex ......
1. But everybody looks funny naked!
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. Do you smell something burning?
5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
6. Try breathing through your nose.
7. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!
8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. But whipped cream makes me break out.
11. Person 1 This is your first time..right? Person 2 Yeah.. today
12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
13. Can you please pass me the remote control?
14. Do you accept Visa?
15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
22. Do you get any premium movie channels?
23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
25. Got any penicillin?
26. But I just brushed my teeth...
27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29. I want a baby!
30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34. I think you have it on backwards.
35. When is this supposed to feel good?
36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
37. You're good enough to do this for a living!
38. Is that blood on the headboard?
39. Did I remember to take my pill?
40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...
42. That leak better be from the waterbed!
43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance..
47. No, really... I do this part better myself!
48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
49. This would be more fun with a few more people..
50. You're almost as good as my ex!
51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
53. You look younger than you feel.
54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...
58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
60. What tampon?
61. Have you ever considered liposuction?
62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
64. I have a confession...
65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?
70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
72. Did you come yet, dear?
73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
75. Does this count as a date?
76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
78. I think biting is romantic- don't you?
79. Q: You can cook, too right? A: (Whaddaya think I'm doin'?)
80. When would you like to meet my parents?
81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like... Woman: Yourself?
82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
88. Sorry but I don't do toes!
89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".
93. So that's why they call you MR. Flash!
94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
95. Is this a sin too?
96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...
99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
101. You mean you're NOT my blind date?
H/T Beautiful World
The Sunday Best....
Inmate escapes German jail in box. DHL will take anything these days.
Islamist rebels whip 32 dancers in Somalia. Islam the 'peaceful religion'.
The traitor in a headscarf: How Czech spy Agent Hammer worked secretly inside Parliament for years. No surprises. In the days of the cold war many Labour MP's were pro-Soviet.
'The Madam found fault with every single thing' - worker tells of 'nightmare' of working for Janet Boateng. I suspect the White House staff are about to suffer in the same way at the hands on Mrs Obama.
Gordon Brown's £1,000 Christmas present to poor families hit by the credit crunch. And where is all this money conning from and will the pensioners get any. My bet is that it will go to potential Labour supporters.
Serious violent crime is going up NOT down, Home Office chief admits. No S**t. Until we restore the death penalty, hard labour and abolish parole criminals will continue to thrive.
After five years, the first arrest in the Redcaps murder case. We should have wiped the village off the face of the earth when it happened.
Ministers tell councils to push contraceptive jabs and implants for 13 year olds! Just exactly what are parents teaching their children these days.
Hillary Clinton would face tough questions about Bill's finances if chosen for Secretary of State. The Clintons finances should be investigated anyway. As should Tony Blair's.
Iraqis accused of murdering British troops get thousands of pounds in legal aid. Britain is so f**ked up. That's what happens when you let lawyers and their cronies run a country.
500,000 deer must be culled to protect countryside from damage by herds. Venison anyone? The carcasses will probably be destroyed and the meat will go to waste.
Morale is damaged, head of Army is told. Hardly surprising. Labour hate the military and have done nothing to improve our military. Their cuts have left the military way too short of men and equipment.
Limo 'tank' shields PM from Al-Qaeda. Who is going to protect him from the British public?
Young Tibetans ‘will resist China with blood’. Now is the time to put pressure on China to get out of Tibet. There economy is slowing and they are economically vulnerable. Not to mention the 1 billion peasants who are still living in rural poverty and are none too happy about it.
‘Robin Hood’ dishes out Nato booty. Find him and kill him.
the Clarkypoos bit..
The daddy of all idiots at your child’s school sports day.
Audi RS6 Avant.
and James May
There's no need to reinvent the wheel.
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A little Irish Humour......
Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!
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Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?'
Paddy replies 'I don't know! Its your f***ing plane!!'
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Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on'
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Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies on the bed spread-eagled & says 'You know what I want don't you?'
'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!'
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Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!
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Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman who's head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her. A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said 'I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!'
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An Irishman is shagging a Jewish girl & says 'You're not very tight for a Jew!'
She says 'Well you're not very thick for a Paddy!'
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Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.
'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didnt even know they had mobile phones!'
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Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick says 'Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was 152!'
Paddy says 'Whats his name?'
Mick replies 'Miles from London!'
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An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past & stops. He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts 'Its thick fu**wits like you that give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there & kick the s**t out of you if I could swim!'
H/T M Kohl
Saturday, 15 November 2008
Global Domination Theo Style....
...that's hits from 148 countries in the last month. The internet is truly amazing.
Ducks are getting crafty....
My father used to pick me up from school at 4am, we would go down to Blakeney marshes for the morning flight and would be back at school for breakfast. Nothing like a flask of cocoa laced with scotch to keep you warm and liven up the morning classes.
H/T
Maggie's Farm
Things You Hear on a Golf Course...
Look at the size of his putter.
Oh, dam, my shaft’s all bent.
After 18 holes I can barely walk.
My hands are so sweaty I can’t get a good grip.
Lift your head and spread your legs.
You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
Just turn your back and drop it.
Hold up. I’ve got to wash my balls.
Damn, I missed the hole again.
H/T DML
News...
Why Europe is secretly afraid of a socialist America. And why our enemies have big grins. The West's biggest enemy is the liberal/socialist cabals that have taken control of or media and institutions. Until this cancer is cut out Western civilisation will continue to decline.
Gordon Brown risks 'collapse of sterling' says George Osborne. Brown must go, NOW.
Al-Qaeda's influence is spreading, says CIA chief. We ignore Africa at our peril.
Row over British plan for labelling 'illegal' Israeli vegetables. Utter garbage. I will buy them when I see them.
Judge orders girl to write apology for killing HMS Belfast's cat. Keelhaul the little bitch. And why can't scum like this be named?
Barack Obama is warned to beware of a ‘huge threat’ from al-Qaeda. They know that he hasn't the balls for the job.
Over 250,000 displaced as sexual violence erupts in DRC. More butchery. Africa was much better under white rule.
Saving car giants will cause havoc, Gordon Brown warns US. What does he know. Bulking up the public sector with union non-jobs has caused havoc over here so he can hardly talk. At least the US still has a motor industry. The unions destroyed ours.
RAF exercise over Iceland is cancelled. And the Russians will take full advantage.
Nicolas Sarkozy calls for rethink over US missile defence system in Europe. F**k Iran etc. We need missile defence to protect us from the Russians. If you hadn't noticed the Cold War is on the way back.
White guilt? Done; over; history. I wasn't aware we were supposed to be feeling guilty!
Christmas Lights Challenge......
...beat this! Ok it's early but over here we are in full Christmas mode. The shops and TV have been full of Christmas stuff and adverts since Nov 1. Personally I think all Christmas ads and paraphernalia should be banned before Dec 1. Also the whole lights think works well in North America where there is snow in the UK it is just crass.
H/T Pete Hurrell
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WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING?
THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION
ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE,AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:
1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.
2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.
5. I thought that I could love no other--
that is until I met your brother.
6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl'sempty and so
is your head.
7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.
8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'
11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
H/T Nebraska Bob
Friday, 14 November 2008
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