CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer
CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.
H/T Peter Gunn
Tuesday, 25 November 2008
New Stock Market Terms
Who said what.....
It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775."
The teacher said. "Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'"
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863" said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "F*ck the Indians."
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Chandrasekhar put his hand up: "General Custer, 1862."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glared around and asked "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Chandrasekhar answers,"'George H.W. Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells,"'Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004."
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're screwed!"
And Handrasekhar said quietly, "I think it was the American people, November 4, 2008."
H/T Shelly
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News...
Marine Makes Insurgents Pay the Price. The 'terrorists' are slow learners. They will not win.
One person injured in elevator explosion. Dangerous things elevators.
Zimbabwe on the Verge of Collapse. No s**t.
The day New Labour died: Brown ditches historic pledge not to raise income tax in £1TRILLION gamble to save economy. Britain is ruined!
U.S. agents 'bugged Tony Blair's private phone calls for years'. Don't blame them. Probably the most untrustworty PM we have ever had.
PETROL: The stealth taxes that will put 5p on a litre. More backdoor thievery.
France demands £7bn farm subsidies before talks begin. F**k the French farmers. They are bloody useless.
Revealed: the true target of US Predator strike. As long as we get them all it doesn't matter in which order.
Somali pirates hijack Yemeni ship. We know where they are. So what's stopping us.
Voting setbacks slow down the Hugo Chávez ‘red machine’. The people are tired of his bulshit.
2 in 3 new jobs paid for by tax. The Socialist State continues to expand.
Obama Team Mulls Role for Miss Lewinsky in New Administration. Yeah. Keeping 'lil Billy busy while Hillary plays at being a statesman.
The Mechanic. Jules has been playing again!
and finally a thanksgiving recipe.
The Official Maggie's Farm high fat, high carb, high cal Mashed Potatoes
Monday, 24 November 2008
Advert: The Trident girls bounce back....
Ever wondered what three girls bouncing on pogo sticks in bikinis would look like?
H/T Geocast TV
Fox Network Response
In response to Obama's complaint that FOX News doesn't show enough Black and Hispanic people on their network, FOX has announced that they will now air " America's Most Wanted" TWICE a week.
H/T Don Emslie
Light News...
Social workers sacked over 'sick' image of paedophile Gary Glitter carrying a child in a shopping bag. But it's fine to sit back and allow a couple to torture a toddler to death.
Yobs have overturned your car? Call the AA say police. Do the Police serve any useful purpose?
Alistair Darling must cut whole state, not just tax pennies. The 'State' votes Labour so expect it to continue to grow.
Germany tells Russian leader to respect the Nato alliance. The Germans may want to increase their defence budget.
UK at 'real risk' of power shortages, report warns. We are becoming a third world country. What do expect with a socialist dictator in charge.
How to keep US carmakers on the road by Mitt Romney.
Hard Times For Lefty Peaceniks by Jules Crittenden
and finally.
13 cheerleader bikini videos to warm you up
Corrigan Brothers- Afternoon Show 18th November 2008
Previously known as 'Hardy Drew and the Nancy Boys'.
Socialism Alive and Well.....
Supertax planned for top earners.
Convienient that the £150,00 threshold is just above Cabinet Ministers Salaries. Gordon Brown may pay a bit extra but that will be spun as him making sacrifices for the country. Having got us into this mess he should be 'sacrificed.'
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Sailors from the "Eightballers" of Helicopter Sea Combat Squadron 8 prepare an MH-60S Sea Hawk helicopter before morning flight operations.
H/T Blackfive
Sunday, 23 November 2008
Blog post of the Day...
Would you send used Land Rovers into this? A great article on the use of the dangerous and flimsy 'snatch landrovers' by the MoD.
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Zimbabwean Drums.....
The drums are calling you old man, and grow louder by the day.
They are calling you to judgment it's now your time to pay,
For the wrongs you've done Zimbabwe , the trust which you betrayed.
So hear those drums a pounding, hear well, and be afraid!
The drums are calling you old man, and grow louder by the day.
For The cries of those you murdered grow stronger every day,
In a land we called Rhodesia , Twas truly God's own land,
You trashed it with your gluttony and evil thieving hand.
The drums are calling you old man, and grow louder by the day,
You starved your kinfolk of their food; the meek, your favored prey,
With all your years of tyranny and lavish trips abroad
Their proud heritage you squandered, through patronage and fraud.
The drums are calling you old man, and grow louder by the day;
Twas not the world that brought you down, but Christians who could pray.
God heard the prayers of His saints to stop you in your pride,
The gates of hell, I believe, are broad and high and wide
The drums are calling you old man, and grow louder by the day,
The drums have sound their verdict; listen to what they say,
They foretell of your demise, and they have much to tell.
So hear the drums, old man, and listen to them well.
The drums are calling you old man, and grow louder by the day
Your 'war vets' will now leave you, to flee another way
Now listen to those drums old man their message is not vague
They are pounding out across the world "We'll see you in the Hague !!"
By Alf Hutchison inspired by an unnamed e mail workers day 2008
TO THE MEMORY OF ALL RHODESIANS WHO GAVE THEIR LIVES
WE WILL REMEMBER THEM
H/T Old Dude
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Great idea....
This was written by a construction worker in Fort McMurray. Read on . . .
'I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes, and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit. In order to earn that pay check, I work on a rig site for a Fort McMurray construction project. At any time I am required to pass a random urine test, with which I have no problem. HOWEVER, what I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test. Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check because I have to pass one to earn it for them?
Understand - I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do on the other hand have a problem with helping someone sit on their fanny, drinking beer and smoking dope. Could you imagine how much money this country would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check? '
H/T Peter Gunn
The Sunday Best....
A Time for Thanksgiving by Jules Crittenden.
Nazi leader Hitler really did have only one ball. That's one more than Gordon Brown.
Brown's boomerang budget: VAT cut now but he will make you pay with higher taxes later. You cannnot spend you way out of a recession.
Britain wakes up to a blanket of snow as bookies slash odds on a white Christmas. Damn tricky thing, global warming. Yes it is snowing in Norfolk.
Police to get 10,000 more Taser guns to tackle violent crime. Oh whoopie. All the tasers in the world won't help until the police get back on the beat in proper numbers.
Border Agency's £140,000 beano (on the day it was revealed that 300,000 foreigners are wrongly let into the UK). Time for some heads to roll. Start with our joke of a Home Secretary.
As brigands hold the Sirius Star supertanker to ransom, we go inside the Somali pirates' lair. Time to bring back 'Q' ships.
Man down! How Gurkhas braved a hail of Taliban bullets to try to save Rifleman Yub. The bravest troops in the world. Great video.
Barack Obama accused of selling out on Iraq by picking hawks to run his foreign policy. Our enemies have been emboldened by Obama's win. Expect all sorts of trouble next year.
Islamic fighters enter Somalia pirate town and plan to attack. Hopefully they will wipe each other out.
Fewer than one in three of Britain's Apache attack helicopters 'fit for purpose'. That's what happens when you try and fight a war 'on the cheap'.
Schools fined for expelling violent pupils. Pathetic.
Soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan to get life saving anti-sniper device. About time too.
Two hundred public sector workers earn more than PM. And not a single one is worth it.
Israel fears US will dither while Iran goes nuclear. They are right to worry. We have been dithering over Iran for way too long and we will pay the price for it.
Mugabe tries to hide cholera death toll. Amongst everything else his odius regime does.
Hillary will be ‘mother-in-law the president cannot shift’. This is going to be fun.
Michael Jackson 'converts to Islam and changes name to Mikaeel'. Ok. Now he is nuts.
the Clarkypoos bit.
I’m a Tigger, he’s a Piglet, and you must be a Pooh.
Infiniti FX50S Clarkson’s Verdict: As pretty and agile as Jabba the Hutt.
and Captain Slow
Heating up the horizon.
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Pearls of Wisdom....
1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I don't remember, what I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.
6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......
15. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
16. Despite the old saying, ' Don 't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!
H/T Shelly
