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H/T M Kohl
Thursday, 11 December 2008
Wednesday, 10 December 2008
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A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
H/Ts Everyone
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10 things you learn from sex videos....
1. Women wear high heels to bed.
2. Men are never impotent.
3. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.
4. Women always orgasm when men do.
5. A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.
6. All women are noisy f**ks.
7. Double penetration makes women smile.
8. Nurses love to suck patient's cocks.
9. Women never have headaches.
10. Men don't have to beg.
Dating Rituals:
WHITE WOMEN
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex, but only in the missionary position.
IRISH WOMEN
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
ITALIAN WOMEN
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti and meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you and insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together and hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.
JEWISH WOMEN
First Date: You get dynamite oral sex.
Second Date: You get more great oral sex.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and you never get oral sex again.
CHINESE WOMEN
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner, but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing hapens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you already realized nothing is going to happen.
INDIAN WOMEN
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.
BLACK WOMEN
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.
MEXICAN WOMEN
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in ... and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Rio Grande.
The POINT?
DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IRISH WOMEN?
H/T Shelly
News...
Eat more camel to save the environment, experts urge. I will have the 'hump steak'!!!
1.16 Million Muslims in Israel, Growth Rate Slowing. It's about the only place their growth rate is slowing.
'Back door' amnesty for 180,000 asylum seekers who slipped through the net. How do you lose 180,000 people? Only the Home Office could manage it.
The Queen's Royal Palaces let down over wait for £32million building work. Our heritage must be preserved. There again Labour hate the monarchy.
Nearly 1 billion people are starving, UN food agency says. There is no need for people to go hungry. How much of this is down to corrupt governments?
Men prefer women with long wavy hair. Oh yes. Also long skirts!
Pakistan: We're ready for war with India. Are they ready for war with the rest of us?
Government to create more playgrounds to combat Britain's 'no ball games culture'. More spin. The teachers unions did most of the damage with their ban on competitive sports.
UK faces energy blackouts without investment in nuclear and clean coal. Back to the Dark Ages.
Zimbabwe opposition activists abducted. It's simple. Kill Mugabe!
Russian diplomat: Iran not yet able to build nuclear bomb. But they can buy one. Anyone done a warhead count in Pakistan recently.
Benefits to be paid only to those who show they are looking hard for work. Spin. Unemployment is going up and job vacancies are going down.
Farm family left 115 animals to starve in pens of rotting horses, court told. Hang the scum.
Cholera ravages population weak with hunger in Robert Mugabe's Zimbabwe. And still nothing is being done. Words will not save lives.
Barack Obama stays silent over Robert Mugabe's rule in Zimbabwe. These Black Marxists always stick together.
Taking risks with bailout for U.S. automakers.
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WWII Trivia....
You might enjoy this from history buff Col D. G. Swinford, USMC, Ret.
You have to dig deep for facts like these:
1. The first German serviceman killed in WW II was killed by the Japanese (China, 1937), the first American serviceman killed was killed by the Russians (Finland 1940); highest ranking American killed was Lt Gen Lesley McNair, killed by the US Army Air Corps. So much for allies.
2. T he youngest US serviceman was 12 year old Calvin Graham, USN. He was wounded and given a Dishonorable Discharge for lying about his age. His benefits were later restored by act of Congress.
3. At the time of Pearl Harbor, the top US Navy command was called CINCUS (pronounced "sink us"), the shoulder patch of the US Army's 45th Infantry division was the Swastika, and Hitler's private train was named " Amerika." All three were soon changed for PR purposes.!
4. More US servicemen died in the Air Corps than the Marine Corps. While completing the required 30 missions, your chance of being killed was 71%.
5. Generally speaking, there was no such thing as an average fighter pilot. You were either an ace or a target. For instance, Japanese Ace Hiroyoshi Nishizawa shot down over 80 planes. He died while a passenger on a cargo plane.
6. It was a common practice on fighter planes to load every 5th round with a tracer round to aid in aiming. This was a mistake. Tracers had different ballistics so (at long range) if your tracers were hitting the target 80% of your rounds were missing. Worse yet tracers instantly told your enemy he was under fire and from which direction. Worst of all was the practice of loading a string of tracers at the
end of the belt to tell you that you were out of ammo. This was definitely not something you wanted to tell the enemy. Units that stopped using tracers saw their success rate nearly double and their loss rate go down.
7. When allied armies reached the Rhine, the first thing men did was pee in it. This was pretty universal from the lowest private to Winston Churchill (who made a big show of it) and Gen. Patton, who had himself photographed in the act.
8. German Me-264 bombers were capable of bombing New York City, but they decided it wasn't worth the effort.
9. German submarine U-1206 was sunk by a malfunctioning toilet.
10. Among the first "Germans" captured at Normandy were several Koreans. They had been forced to fight for the Japanese Army until they were captured by the Russians, and forced to fight for the Russian Army until they were captured by the Germans, and forced to fight for the German Army until they were captured by the US Army.
SAVING THE BEST FOR LAST....
11. Following a massive naval bombardment, 35,000 United States and Canadian troops stormed ashore at Kiska, in the Aleutian Islands. 21 troops were killed in the assault. It would have been worse if there had been any Japanese on the island.
H/T Shelly
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Funny Quotes About Sex....
“What do I know about sex? I’m a married man.” –Tom Clancy
“I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.” –Steve Martin
“Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.” –Henry Miller
“The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn’t mean that God doesn’t love heterosexuals. It’s just that they need more supervision.” –Lynn Lavner
“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.” –P. J. O’Rourke
“As the French say, there are three sexes – men, women and clergymen.” –Rev. Sydney Smith
“It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.” –Matt Barry
“You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.” –Drew Carey
H/T DML
Tuesday, 9 December 2008
Christmas Poem......
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS,
HE LIVED ALL ALONE,
IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE MADE OF
PLASTER AND STONE.
I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY
WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE,
AND TO SEE JUST WHO
IN THIS HOME DID LIVE.
I LOOKED ALL ABOUT,
A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE,
NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS,
NOT EVEN A TREE.
NO STOCKING BY MANTLE,
JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND,
ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES
OF FAR DISTANT LANDS.
WITH MEDALS AND BADGES,
AWARDS OF ALL KINDS,
A SOBER THOUGHT
CAME THROUGH MY MIND.
FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT,
IT WAS DARK AND DREARY,
I FOUND THE HOME OF A SOLDIER,
ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY.
THE SOLDIER LAY SLEEPING,
SILENT, ALONE,
CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR
IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME.
THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE,
THE ROOM IN SUCH DISORDER,
NOT HOW I PICTURED
A UNITED STATES SOLDIER.
WAS THIS THE HERO
OF WHOM I'D JUST READ?
CURLED UP ON A PONCHO,
THE FLOOR FOR A BED?
I REALIZED THE FAMILIES
THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT,
OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS
WHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT.
SOON ROUND THE WORLD,
THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY,
AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE
A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY.
THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOM
EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR,
BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS,
LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE.
I COULDN'T HELP WONDER
HOW MANY LAY ALONE,
ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE
IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME.
THE VERY THOUGHT
BROUGHT A TEAR TO MY EYE,
I DROPPED TO MY KNEES
AND STARTED TO CRY.
THE SOLDIER AWAKENED
AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE,
'SANTA DON'T CRY,
THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE;
I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM,
I DON'T ASK FOR MORE,
MY LIFE IS MY GOD,
MY! COUNTRY, MY CORPS.'
THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER
AND DRIFTED TO SLEEP,
I COULDN'T CONTROL IT,
I CONTINUED TO WEEP.
I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS,
SO SILENT AND STILL
AND WE BOTH SHIVERED
FROM THE COLD NIGHT'S CHILL.
I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE
ON THAT COLD, DARK, NIGHT,
THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOR
SO WILLING TO FIGHT.
THEN THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER,
WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE,
WHISPERED, 'CARRY ON SANTA,
IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE.'
ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH,
AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT.
'MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND,!
AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.'
This poem was written by a Marine.
H/T Maurice B
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News...
HE’S the longest-serving British Army member in Afghanistan. And he is sooo cute.
The Government wants to run everything. It's an old Trot trait. They need to be booted out and soon.
Irish 'poison pork' to stay on shelves, says defiant Tesco. Another good reason not to go to Tesco. My butcher is both better and cheaper than the supermarkets.
Revealed: The town where HALF the people claim say they are too sick to work. If they are that bloody sick they should be 'put down'.
Alleged 9/11 mastermind wants to confess to plot. If they want to be martyrs so be it. Strap them to a nuke and martyr them all over Waristan.
Sharon Shoesmith sacked by Haringey Council. She should not be allowed to keep her pension.
British Admiral to lead new EU anti-pirate force for Somalia. He may need more than 6 ships.
Pakistan refuses to extradite Mumbai terrorists. Pakistan is rapidly losing it ally status. Anyway you can't trust a country that cheats at cricket.
Jacob Zuma thwarts efforts to force Robert Mugabe out. Zuma is a crook and a commie just like Mugabe.
Google Earth accused of aiding terrorists. Sometimes there can be too much information on the net.
Obama speechwriter photographed groping Hillary Clinton likeness. And he will claim he was drunk!!!
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Christmas Carols for the Disturbed....
1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and ...
6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me!
7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy ... oooh look at the Froggy ... can I have a chocolate ... why is France so far away?
10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells ...
H/T DML
Oliver Postgate.........
A tribute to Oliver Postgate who has died.
This explains a lot about modern Britain. A whole generation grew up watching this!!
The Clangers - 'Treasure'
Ivor the Engine - 'Snowdrifts'
And of course Bagpuss
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