H/T Peter Gunn
Tuesday, 16 December 2008
NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND.
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing
her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the
monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure
enough, there was definite movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As
crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the trick &
bring her out of the coma.' The husband was skeptical, but they
assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few
minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The
nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.
The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'
H/T Rodney
Monday, 15 December 2008
Richard Nixon, Jimmy Carter, and Bill Clinton are on the Titanic.
When it starts to sink Carter yells, “Quick, save the women and children!”
Nixon: “Screw the women and children”
Clinton: “Do we have time?”
H/T DML
Poem of the Day....
Goodbye to my England, So long my old friend
Your days are numbered, being brought to an end
To be Scottish, Irish or Welsh that's fine
But don't say you're English, that's way out of line.
The French and the Germans may call themselves such
May Norwegians, the Swedes and the Dutch
You can say you are Russian or maybe a Dane
But don't say you're English ever again.
At Broadcasting House the word is taboo
In Brussels it's Scrapped, in Parliament too
Even schools are affected, staff do as they're told
They must not teach children about England of old.
Writers like Shakespeare, Milton and Shaw
The pupils do not learn about them anymore
How about Agincourt, Hastings , Arnhem or Mons
When England lost hosts of her very brave sons.
We are not Europeans, how can we be?
Europe is miles away over the sea
We're the English from England, let's all be proud
Stand up and be counted- Shout it out loud.
Let's tell our Government and Brussels too
We're proud of our heritage and the Red, White and Blue
Fly the flag of Saint George or the Union Jack
Let the world know - we want OUR ENGLAND BACK !!!!
H/T Liz B
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
The most important car for 100 years acccording to James May......
...the Fuel Cell powered Honda FCX Clarity. You even get a glimpse at Jay Leno's car collection.
The next time you see a little old lady with shaky hands, you'll remember this story.
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.
Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she askes the sales clerk: 'Dddooo youuuu hhhave ddddiillldosss?'
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing replies 'Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models.'
The old lady then asks: 'Ddddoooo yyyouuuu cccarrry aaa pppinnkk oonnee, ttteeennn iincches lllong aaanndd aabbbooouutt ttwwoo iincchess tthiicck…aaand rruuns bbby bbbaatteerrieees s?'
The clerk responds: 'Yes we do.'
She asks: 'Ddddooo yyyoouuu kknnooww hhhooww tttooo ttuuurrnn tthhe sssunnoffaaabbii ttch offff?
H/T Don Emslie
News...
Sovietizing the Economy: The Final Phase. from Prolibertate
House prices to crash 30% by end of next year, warns Barclays boss. Don't you just love an optimist!!
These cowards won't defeat us: Commander's contempt for Taliban who used child bomber to kill Royal Marines. Good man.
After 130 years of fundraising, Sally Army told to stop rattling collecting tins because it might 'offend other religions'. Oh for f**ks sake.
We will not prop up plummeting pound, say ministers. They have lost control of the economy, actually I am not sure they ever had control.
Shoes thrown at George Bush during surprise farewell visit to Iraq. He should have caught one and sent it back with interest.
Former Defence chiefs accuse Government of 'failing' Armed Forces. Talk about stating the bleeding obvious. The MoD are also to blame for not standing up to the government and protecting their cosy little REMF jobs. We do not need a ministry for the military. They are more than capable of looking after themselves.
Old Etonian becomes Thailand's new prime minister. Bloody Etonians get everywhere.
Britain faces humiliating Iraq withdrawal. Only according to the idiots of the British Liberal Media who have done everything to undermine our troops in Iraq.
North and South split as US battles to save GM, Chrysler and Ford. The unions finished the British Car industry and could do the same for the US.
The various benefits of Fruit and Veg....as long as they are accompanied by large quantities of meat.
Click to enlarge
H/T Peter Gunn
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
The Second Coming....
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, “OK, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?”
The mother says, “It’s my daughter, Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight, and she’s sick most mornings.”
The doctor gives Darla a thorough examination, then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant — about four months would be my guess.”
The mother says, “Pregnant?!? She can’t be. She has never even been left alone with a man! Have you Darla?”
Darla says, “No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man!”
The doctor walks over to the window and just stares out of it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, “Is there something wrong out there, doctor?”
The doctor replies, “No, not really. It’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and three wise men came over the hill. I’ll be darned if I’m going to miss it this time!”
H/T DML
Sunday, 14 December 2008
Great Orators of the Democratic Party...
'One man with courage makes a majority.' - Andrew Jackson
'The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.' - Franklin D. Roosevelt
'The buck stops here.' - Harry S. Truman
'Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country.' - John F. Kennedy
And for today's democrats...
'It depends what your definition of 'IS' is?' - Bill Clinton
'That Obama - I would like to cut his NUTS off.' - Jesse Jackson
'Those rumors are false .... I believe in the sanctity of marriage.' - John Edwards
'I invented the Internet' - Al Gore
'The next Person that tells me I'm not religious, I'm going to shove my rosary beads up their ***.' - Joe Biden
'America is--is no longer, uh, what it--it, uh, could be, uh what it was once was...uh, and I say to myself, 'uh, I don't want that future, uh, uh for my children.' '' - Barack Obama
'I have campaigned in all 57 states.' - Barack Obama
'You don't need God anymore, you have us democrats.' - Nancy Pelosi (said back in 2006)
'Bill is the greatest husband and father I know. No one is more faithful, true, and honest than he.' - Hillary Clinton (said back in 1998)
H/T Shelly
The Sunday Best....
Man, 50, accused of using squirt gun to spray fox urine on teen pranksters. Great idea. Let's try it on Brown. Tally Ho.
The sea eagle, extinct in Britain, could soar again over Norfolk. Cool.
Hilary Benn: The UK should not look solely to British farmers to feed the nation. Wanker! Britain must be self-sufficient food production. We should only import those foods that we cannot grow here.
Army hit by crisis as hundreds of troops quit to save marriages. You can hardly blame them. Labour has cut our forces too much. Not enough troops or kit to go round.
General Gordon does a Churchill (But Winston's enraged grandson says: 'you aren't fit to lick his boots'). Brown is a disgrace. If he were a horse he would be shot.
It's the only new steam train in 40 years...Nice to know we can still make something.
Nude Virgin Mary cover prompts Playboy apology. Some people are too sensitive.
£130 million refurbishment bill for Jack Straw's new offices. Why do we continue so show surprise at stuff like this? We know what a bunch of worthless pricks Labour are.
Mumbai attacks: How Indian-born Islamic militants are trained in Pakistan. Most 'terrorists' seem to be trained in Pakistan at the moment.
Why Eurocrats believe that No to EU treaty is the Irish for Yes. They will not stop until they get their way. They need to be chopped down to size.
Pakistan 'linked to 75% of all UK terror plots', warns Gordon Brown. So why don't we ban flights from Pakistan?
Senate scandal snares Obama’s chief aide. Fact: Democrats are dishonest and always have been.
Silenced - the sharpest voice against Mugabe. And still we do nothing.
The Clarkypoos Bit
The BBC’s letting loonies gag me with mink knickers.
Volvo XC60.
and James May
Why men are so keen to mess up the kitchen.
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
Thought for the Day...
"Life's tough......It's even tougher if you're stupid." - John Wayne
H/T Peter Gunn
Farm Humour....
A man from a neighboring ranch knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door.
'Is yer Dad home?' the rancher asked
'No sir, he ain't,' the boy replied. 'He went into town.'
'Well,' said the rancher, 'Is yer Mom here?'
'No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad.'
'How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?'
'He went with Mom and Dad.'
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
'Is there anything I can do fer ya?' the boy asked politely 'I know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad.'
'Well,' said the rancher uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant.'
The boy considered for a moment. 'You would have to talk to Pa about that', he finally conceded.
'If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard.'
H/T Shelly
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
