H/T Peter Gunn
Tuesday, 6 January 2009
GRANDPA'S ON THE PORCH AGAIN.....
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering .
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said "Well...last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."
H/T Pete Hurrell
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Patch of the Day....
The message is clear even if it is photoshopped. Our NATO 'allies' must do more to help.
H/T Maurice B
Hubba.....
The good news is that she works for our friends at Bikinis Sports Bar and Grill San Marcos branch.
.375 Holland and Holland Magnum MkIII
H/T Thomas Harris
If rogue elephants, lions, leopards, and hippos invade Texas, he is ready for them!
Under Construction: The British Army's latest Eco- Friendly Artillery Piece.......
Follow it's construction
HERE
We have it on good authority that when completed it will be operated by a team of the local totty.
Driving Theory...........
The following are supposed REAL answers given on exams by the California Department of Transportation’s driving school (i.e. Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders).
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at
the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying,
“Guns don’t kill people. I do.”
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too shit-faced to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I’d probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer
drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave “hello” if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would hard to be a dickhead all day long.
H/T DML
Monday, 5 January 2009
If....
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can get going without pep pills,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, no fault of yours, things go wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can ignore a friend’s limited education and never correct him,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor, If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can say honestly that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, colour, religion, or politics,
Then, my Brother, you are as good as your dog.
H/T DML
Big Brother alive and well....
Police set to step up hacking of home PCs. Are they too dumb to find their own porn!!!!!
H/T Pete Hurrell
Reasons for crashing during winter in Norfolk......
...I nearly had a prang today, in the Doctors car park of all places.
H/T DML
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News....
Sex clinics 'to open' in EVERY school so pupils as young as 11 can be tested... without parental consent. WTF!
Where is Tony Blair? He's on holiday right now. Good. The last thing the middle east needs right now is that lying sack of s**t interfering.
BBC accused of 'pandering' to No10 after Andrew Marr visits Downing Street for fireside chat with Gordon Brown. Everybody knows that the BBC is Labour's PR department.
War veterans' clubhouse is handed to travellers. An effing disgrace. Travellers have no rights!
Pub chain launches 99p pint of beer - but is accused of encouraging binge drinking. Wetherspoons are hardly pubs. They are theme bars.
Israeli troops close in on Hamas stronghold. Hamas must be shocked by the total lack of support from the Arab nations. The only people who seems to be supporting them are the usual illiterates on the Arab street and the MSM.
Size eight women have most sex. Cool. Only one problem there aren't many size 8s in Norfolk!!
Obama's new life in Washington soured by resignation of cabinet nominee. Ooops. Not so squeaky clean after all.
Economic recovery may be delayed until 2010. Make that 3010. Brown has and is continuing to ruin Britain.
Secret army of ‘scallywags’ to sabotage German occupation. What a hoot. We need men like this today to sabotage Labour's 'occupation'.
Israel rains fire on Gaza with phosphorus shells. So what. A spot a napalm would do the Taleban a world of good. The media have created a scenario where wars have to be 'user friendly' where no one dies. There is no such thing as a nice clean war and our hands are being tied by the liberals in the media who despise everything our troops are fighting to protect.
India hands Pakistan 'proof' dossier on Mumbai attacks. Another potential 'flashpoint'.
Fears over earthquake 'swarm' at Yellowstone National Park.
This could be very serious. Scientists have been predicting a mega-quake for years.
Six European countries hit by shortages as Russia-Ukraine gas row deepens. Putin wants to have strategic 'influence' in all six countries. Someone had better start standing up to the bum before we have a full blown 'cold war' back on our hands.
Mugabe set to form government in February: The terror continues. He will now run amok as everyone is watching Gaza.
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So what have we learned in 2 Millennia?
"The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed lest Rome become bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance."
Cicero - 55 BC
Evidently nothing!!!
H/T Shelly
Fred Astaire and Eleanor Powell........
....I would like to them try this on 'Strictly Come Dancing'.
H/T Shelly
Sunday, 4 January 2009
Sheep.....
Q: How does a Welsh man find sheep in tall grass with an early morning mist?
A: Completely Irresistible!
H/T The Big Henry
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Survey....
A survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night:
5% said it was to get a glass of water…
12% said it was to go to the toilet…
83% said it was to go home!!!
H/T DML
The Sunday Best....
Let's Be Worthy of Their Sacrifice by Karl Rove
Recycling crisis: Taxpayers foot the bill for UK's growing waste paper mountain as market collapses. So much for going green.
It's miserable being an oligarch - I'm happier as a peasant, says man who once challenged Putin. Not a bad idea.
First 43 sites named in £100 million gipsy camp scheme. Just watch crime go through the roof in these areas.
NHS wasting £2.1 billion a year in procurement inefficiencies. That's only the tip of the iceberg.....
Our Army failed its test in Iraq. No, the Government and MoD failed our military and they continue to do so.
Gordon Brown unveils crisis jobs package. Trying to buy votes with more public sector non-jobs. If he wants to do something useful he should get the building sector to completely refurbish all the military bases in the UK. It would be money well spent and keep the builders busy until the recession ends.
Russian gas cuts start to hit Europe. Bolshevick Blackmail.
Unsinkable Palin eyes run against Obama. Oh yes.
China rattled by Sun King attack. The dissent in China is growing.
Charity homes built by Hollywood start to crumble. What do expect of something built by Jimmy Carter.
Taliban bases fall after major offensive. We still need to hit them at their camps in Pakistan.
U.K. May Take More Gitmo Detainees. Sorry we don't want them.
the Clarkypoos Bit...
Ring a ring o’ clipboards – we all fall down.
Ford Flex Limited. by Jay Leno
and finally Sometimes it's great to be garish by James May.
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Real Excuse Notes.....
These are apparently real excuse notes written by parents for the teachers. Is it any wonder that our kids seem to be doing worse than the kids from Asia?
* My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
* Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
* Dear School: Please excuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33
* Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
* Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
* Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
* Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
* Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
* I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears.
* Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
* Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
* My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
* Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
* Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.
H/T DML
Wow: Amazing Police Dog.....
Notice the suspect behind the car, apparently firing a gun - you see the smoke from the muzzle, and a split second later - the Shepherd Police Dog leaps across the roof of the car, clamps onto the suspect, and brings him down so quickly - you’ll watch it several times to really appreciate the valour of this dog.
H/T DML
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