More Here
H/T John Heinrichs
Thursday, 31 January 2008
Once a Pun a Time....part 2
16. She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
19. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
20. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
21. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
22. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
23. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
24. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
25. Every calendar's days are numbered.
26. A lot of money is tainted It t'aint yours and it t'aint mine.
27. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
28. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
29. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
30. A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at
large.
31. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
32. Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen em mall.
33. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
34. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
35. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
H/T Shelly
Wednesday, 30 January 2008
Once a Pun a Time...part 1
1. Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
2. A backward poet writes inverse.
3. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
4. Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.
5. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
6. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
7. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
8. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
9. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
10. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
11. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
12. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
13. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
14. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
15. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
H/T Shelly
News....
Clarkypoos ‘is secret sex idol’. And I hear the hamster is popular with the gay community!!
Russia's most famous - and glamorous - female bodyguard killed... What a waste.
More than 1m people could lose homes in credit crunch, warns City watchdog. The slump begins......greed has a downside.
£1,000bn cost of retired State workers – that's £43,000 for every family. Welcome to the 'welfare state'. Britain is facing bankrupcy thanks to the state sector. We need to halve it NOW.
BBC blunder as bosses forget to build prayer room for new Arabic TV channel. Why the f**k are they having an Arabic Channel in the first place.
Islamic extremist gang 'plotted to kidnap British Muslim soldier and behead him like a pig'. Hang the Islamoscum!
Iraqis use YouTube to send up life in war zone. Good old Torygraph, catches up with the rest of us in the end.
Army helicopters fire on looting gangs in Kenya. That's Kenya written off. I call in the Kofi effect! Just see what Mugabe gets up to while everyone is watching Kenya.
Robert McCartney's family still suffering. Justice seems to have gone AWOL.
A most interesting document has come into our possession. Samizdata on ID cards. ( H/T UCV)
Stephen Bruton - "Waiting for a Long Time"
"Bastard that he quit smoking, aye? Ended up with lung and throat cancer anyway. Not looking good.
Good fellow. Has run bands and produced for everyone from Kristofferson to Bonnie Raitt to John Cougar to work on Tom Petty records....the list would be longer than you'd want to scroll. I hope he gets better." Tom Harris
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Parvinder and Habib
Parvinder and Habib are panhandlers. They panhandle in different areas of town.
Habib panhandles just as long as Parvinder but only collects 2 to 3 dollars every day.
Parvinder brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Habib says to Parvinder 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?'
Parvinder says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say?'
Habib's sign reads, 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support.'
Parvinder says, 'No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars.'
Habib says, 'So what does your sign say?'
Parvinder shows Habib his sign.
It reads, 'I only need another $10 to move back to Pakistan.'
H/T Ted Foster
Words of encouragement.....
No matter what situations life throws at you
No matter how long and treacherous your journey may seem
Remember, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel
H/T Peter Gunn
The Good Wife....
“One winter morning during breakfast a husband and wife (who was a blonde) in northern Minnesota were listening to the radio. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.
You must park..." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
H/T Mark Scott
Tuesday, 29 January 2008
Should UK Adopt The Euro?
A cross-section survey of 1000 people in the UK, made up of Afghans,
Pakistanis, Indians, Poles, Iraqis, Somalis, Africans, Albanians,
Bosnians, Turks, Geordies, Brummies, Glaswegians and Liverpudlians were
asked if they thought Britain should change its currency to Euro.
99% said no, they were happy with the Giro.
H/T AJD Shootist.
(Giro=welfare)
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On their 50th Anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on.
She went to her husband, a retired Marine pilot, and said: "Honey, do you remember this?"
He looked up from his newspaper and said: 'Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married'
She said, 'Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night? '
He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I said; 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those tits and screw your brains out".
She giggled and said; "That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?"
He looked her up and down and replied, "Mission Accomplished".
H/T Thomas Harris
News....
Father 'beaten and stabbed to death in row with neighbour over son's football'. Death penalty anyone!
£10m and rising... Blair coffers swell with another job in the City. It doesn't say much for a company that would emply a lying bastard like Blair. The shareholders may have a say as well.
Phones tapped at the rate of 1,000 a day. It's worse than the Old Soviet Union. Unregistered cell phone and Skype for me!
Fears for future of Paras as training jumps cut. Once again our forces are being downgraded to save a few quid. May I suggest a 'jump' into Parliament Square.
Taliban gunmen take 200 children hostage. At this rate the Taliban will soon be running Pakistan. NBC weaponry is starting to look good.
Taxpayers face £500m bill for BAE projects. You can double that and add some. BAE have been ripping off the British taxpayer for years. They are incapable of suppliying kit on time and on budget!
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A moment of Gunner Zen.
These Redlegs of the 10th Mountain are living the dream... Direct Fire!
U.S. soldiers from 6th Field Artillery Regiment, 10th Mountain Division, fire a round from a howitzer during training at the Warrior Range in Kirkuk, Iraq, Jan.23, 2008. U.S. Army photo by Spc. Laura M. Buchta
H/T Mark Scott
Truisms...part 2
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have
you done wrong?
Made her chain too long
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer
to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
H/T The soon to be divorced Pete Hurrell
Monday, 28 January 2008
Truisms....part 1
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet
2) Telephone
3) Tell a woman
How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.
Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
H/T Pete Hurrell
BA 777 AAIB Findings
Apparently the AAIB are now investigating whether or not the crew may have been distracted by something on the ground..... 
H/T Tuscan Tony
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