Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
"Since Valentine's day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks,
"will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
David's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad.
Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," David says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden," his father asks in shock.
"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that
maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if
other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone
a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how
much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride.
"David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him."
H/T Nebraska Bob
Thursday, 14 February 2008
Happy Valentines Day
Catholic Definitions
AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basket ball teams.
JONAH: The original 'Jaws' story.
JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own!
KYRIE ELE ISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava. For you non-Catholics it means Lord have mercy.
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by a HMO. (The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.)
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.
PROCESSION: The ceremonial formati on at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.
H/T Shelly
Blondes.....we need them.
A Blonde goes over to her friend's house wearing a TGIF tee-shirt.
The friend says 'Why are you wearing a 'Thank God It's Friday' tee-shirt on Monday?'
'Oh crap!' the blonde says. 'I didn't realize it was a religious T-shirt. I thought it meant Tits Go In Front'.
H/T Pete Hurrell
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News...
Police chief blames drinks industry for Binge Britain by selling alcohol 'cheaper than water'. Raise the drinking age to 21 and ban alcopops. Taser all drunk teenagers.
Bank of England warns of tougher times ahead. Gordon Brown never could do maths. Now we are going to pay the price. The public sector needs to be cut by 40%.
Did Mossad blow up the Hezbollah 'Master Terrorist' who kidnapped Terry Waite? I hope so! Nice to think Mossad are back in business. I have a list of targets for them if they are short of ideas!!
Georgian billionaire's sudden death 'suspicious'. It looks like Putin has gone back to the old days of the KGB.
Murdered baby was seen by 30 health workers. Sack the bloody lot of them. The social services in Britian are a waste of time and money. Better give the money to the idiots (they are anti smacking)at the NSPCC and Barnardos and give them the power to get things done.
Terror law in tatters as extremists go free. Just whose side are our judges on. Incidentally any lawyer who defends extremists and terrorists should be arrested, charged and struck off for aiding and abetting terror!!
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Editors note...
I have changed the archives to weekly to speed things up. The question is shall I reduce the content to 2 days worth to really speed things up? As this 'new' blog is now about 6 weeks old I am opening it up for suggestions so leave a comment if you have one.
'All American'.
Soldiers from Bravo Company, Special Troops Battalion, 82nd Airborne Division, Task Force Gladius wait for a CH-47 Chinook helicopter at the landing zone at Forward Operating Base Morales-Frasier on Jan. 20, 2008. The Chinook will air lift them into the Surobi District of Afghanistan to protect another CH-47 that made a hard landing there. DoD photo by Sgt. Johnny R. Aragon, U.S Army. (Released)
Wednesday, 13 February 2008
Bedtime Totty...
Incidentally I have reduced the number of days posted to 4 to speed things up a bit.
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
"Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And, who was the woman you were with?"
"Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to be ruining her
reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me
now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry Father, but I'll not name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers what'd you
get?"
"Three month's vacation and five good leads."
H/T Nebraska Bob
More French Pilots practiseing their crop-dusting skills...
..if we ever declare war on aphids they will come in very handy!!!
News....
Whites to lose their majority in US by 2050. Immigration will be the main issue this November.
Pakistani nuclear scientists 'abducted'. To much to hope it was us that nicked them.
Why Amanda Platell can't stand Natasha Kaplinsky. I agree. Kaplunk is the most fatuous tart on television.
Miliband voices British 'concerns' as Americans seek death penalty in 9/11 Guantanamo trial. The only concern I have is how such a useless prick like Miliband ended up as our Foreign Secretary!
Steven Spielberg pulls out of Beijing Olympics role over crimes against humanity in Sudan. Good. It is about time the Chinese were put on the spot.
Anxiety of Queen over sharia law controversy. She has the power to sack the bum and so she should.
Russia threatens nuclear attack on Ukraine. Doesn't Ukraine have some nukes of her own? If not someone give them some.
Man who refused to pay mortgage for 15 years is granted 'squatters' rights'. Nice to see the banks get shafted. More people should try this.
Best of the Blogs....
Jules Crittenden who has had an attack of the Tabloids, and is all the better for it!
Maggies Farm who have some great recipes among other things.
Grouchy Old Cripple likes his pussies wet!!
Neptunus Lex who is still zooming around!
Iowahawk Chaucerises the Batty Archbish.
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Fascinating things on old tombstones!
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York: Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was.
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In a Thurmont, Maryland cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no place to go.
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In a Ribbesford, England cemetery: Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread, And the Lord sent them manna. Clark Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.
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In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.
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In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.
H/T Shelly
Blast from the past.......and the Ruskies are still at it.
Putin wants the Cold War back, may I suggest we humour him and raise readiness levels to where they were 20 years ago. The US Navy might want to start enforcing exclusion zones before something silly happens. Both China and Russia are starting to play silly buggers and if unchallenged they will think they can do as they please.
