H/T DML
Friday, 27 June 2008
Thursday, 26 June 2008
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News....
End of the John Lewis list: MPs to be banned from buying TVs and installing new kitchens on expenses. It is time that MP's expenses were made public and held up to scrutiny.
Out goes corned beef, in comes pasta salad as new-style army rations combat 'menu fatigue'. Bring back bacon burgers and biscuits AB.
A quarter of adults to face 'anti-paedophile' tests. And they wonder why no-one wants to look after children any more.
Nuclear missiles could blow up 'like popcorn'. Imadinnerjacket would like extra butter on his!!
How to build a greener H-bomb. You mustn' damage the enveronment!!!!
Blond, white schoolboy is al-Qa'eda extremist, say police. Nothing a good birching won't cure!!
Mother told baby's bare bottom is pornographic. Porn no. Odd yes!! There is a 21 year old lad who will be forever grateful to ASDA.
Zimbabwe's last white farmer forced to quit. I don't see Zimbabwe's farming ever recovering from Mugabe.
Nelson Mandela attacks Zimbabwe's 'tragic failure of leadership'. Actually he spent more time condemming the Iraq War. All Mandela did was briefly mention Zim and 'a tragic failure of leadership' is hardly harsh. The liberal fools who have elevated this commie terrorist to an effing 'messiah' are wetting themselves with excitement over this 'rebuke'. A slap with a soggy stick of celery has more clout to it.
Taleban 'siege' of Peshawar threatens Pakistan's grip. We are going to have to sort this mess out as well. Genetic weapons anyone?
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A little humour...
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage.
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Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.
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The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
'Look Miss,' said the foreman, 'have you any actual experience in picking lemons?'
'Well, as a matter if fact, yes!' she replied.? 'I've been divorced three times.'
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
H/T Chad
A class of five-year old schoolchildren return to the classroom after playing in the playground during their break time.
The teacher says to the first child 'Hello Becky, what have you been doing this Playtime?'
Becky replies 'I have been playing in the sand box.'
'Very good,' says the teacher 'if you can spell 'sand' on the
blackboard, I will give you a cookie.'
Becky duly goes and writes 's a n d' on the blackboard.
'Very good,' says the teacher and gives Becky a cookie.
The teacher then says, 'Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?'
Freddie replies, 'Playing with Becky in the sand box.'
'Very good,' says the teacher, 'if you can spell 'box' on the blackboard, I will also give you a cookie.'
Freddie duly goes and writes 'b o x' on the blackboard.
'Very good,' says the teacher and gives Freddie a cookie.
Teacher then says, 'Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?'
'No,' replies Mohammed, 'I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing sand at me, calling me nasty names and asking to see under my jacket in case I had explosives.'
'Oh dear,' says the teacher, 'that sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me - I'll tell you what, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' I will give you a cookie.'
H/T Joker
Wednesday, 25 June 2008
Lawyer v Texan.....
A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As he climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over
here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the US and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you
own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?"
The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my turn!"
The old farmer smiled and said, "No, I give up. You can have the duck!"
H/T Shelly
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Whatever happened to.......frilly tennis knickers?
Shagapova is wearing shorts and screaming a lot.
Her boy friend must be deaf!!
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