H/T Pete Hurrell
Wednesday, 26 November 2008
Five Reasons Computers Are Female....
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
4. The message “Bad command or filename” is about as informative as “If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you.”
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your salary on accessories for it.
H/T DML
Tuesday, 25 November 2008
New Stock Market Terms
CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer
CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.
H/T Peter Gunn
Who said what.....
It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775."
The teacher said. "Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'"
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863" said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "F*ck the Indians."
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Chandrasekhar put his hand up: "General Custer, 1862."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glared around and asked "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Chandrasekhar answers,"'George H.W. Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells,"'Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004."
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're screwed!"
And Handrasekhar said quietly, "I think it was the American people, November 4, 2008."
H/T Shelly
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News...
Marine Makes Insurgents Pay the Price. The 'terrorists' are slow learners. They will not win.
One person injured in elevator explosion. Dangerous things elevators.
Zimbabwe on the Verge of Collapse. No s**t.
The day New Labour died: Brown ditches historic pledge not to raise income tax in £1TRILLION gamble to save economy. Britain is ruined!
U.S. agents 'bugged Tony Blair's private phone calls for years'. Don't blame them. Probably the most untrustworty PM we have ever had.
PETROL: The stealth taxes that will put 5p on a litre. More backdoor thievery.
France demands £7bn farm subsidies before talks begin. F**k the French farmers. They are bloody useless.
Revealed: the true target of US Predator strike. As long as we get them all it doesn't matter in which order.
Somali pirates hijack Yemeni ship. We know where they are. So what's stopping us.
Voting setbacks slow down the Hugo Chávez ‘red machine’. The people are tired of his bulshit.
2 in 3 new jobs paid for by tax. The Socialist State continues to expand.
Obama Team Mulls Role for Miss Lewinsky in New Administration. Yeah. Keeping 'lil Billy busy while Hillary plays at being a statesman.
The Mechanic. Jules has been playing again!
and finally a thanksgiving recipe.
The Official Maggie's Farm high fat, high carb, high cal Mashed Potatoes
Monday, 24 November 2008
Advert: The Trident girls bounce back....
Ever wondered what three girls bouncing on pogo sticks in bikinis would look like?
H/T Geocast TV
Fox Network Response
In response to Obama's complaint that FOX News doesn't show enough Black and Hispanic people on their network, FOX has announced that they will now air " America's Most Wanted" TWICE a week.
H/T Don Emslie
Light News...
Social workers sacked over 'sick' image of paedophile Gary Glitter carrying a child in a shopping bag. But it's fine to sit back and allow a couple to torture a toddler to death.
Yobs have overturned your car? Call the AA say police. Do the Police serve any useful purpose?
Alistair Darling must cut whole state, not just tax pennies. The 'State' votes Labour so expect it to continue to grow.
Germany tells Russian leader to respect the Nato alliance. The Germans may want to increase their defence budget.
UK at 'real risk' of power shortages, report warns. We are becoming a third world country. What do expect with a socialist dictator in charge.
How to keep US carmakers on the road by Mitt Romney.
Hard Times For Lefty Peaceniks by Jules Crittenden
and finally.
13 cheerleader bikini videos to warm you up
Corrigan Brothers- Afternoon Show 18th November 2008
Previously known as 'Hardy Drew and the Nancy Boys'.
Socialism Alive and Well.....
Supertax planned for top earners.
Convienient that the £150,00 threshold is just above Cabinet Ministers Salaries. Gordon Brown may pay a bit extra but that will be spun as him making sacrifices for the country. Having got us into this mess he should be 'sacrificed.'
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Sailors from the "Eightballers" of Helicopter Sea Combat Squadron 8 prepare an MH-60S Sea Hawk helicopter before morning flight operations.
H/T Blackfive
Sunday, 23 November 2008
Blog post of the Day...
Would you send used Land Rovers into this? A great article on the use of the dangerous and flimsy 'snatch landrovers' by the MoD.
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Zimbabwean Drums.....
The drums are calling you old man, and grow louder by the day.
They are calling you to judgment it's now your time to pay,
For the wrongs you've done Zimbabwe , the trust which you betrayed.
So hear those drums a pounding, hear well, and be afraid!
The drums are calling you old man, and grow louder by the day.
For The cries of those you murdered grow stronger every day,
In a land we called Rhodesia , Twas truly God's own land,
You trashed it with your gluttony and evil thieving hand.
The drums are calling you old man, and grow louder by the day,
You starved your kinfolk of their food; the meek, your favored prey,
With all your years of tyranny and lavish trips abroad
Their proud heritage you squandered, through patronage and fraud.
The drums are calling you old man, and grow louder by the day;
Twas not the world that brought you down, but Christians who could pray.
God heard the prayers of His saints to stop you in your pride,
The gates of hell, I believe, are broad and high and wide
The drums are calling you old man, and grow louder by the day,
The drums have sound their verdict; listen to what they say,
They foretell of your demise, and they have much to tell.
So hear the drums, old man, and listen to them well.
The drums are calling you old man, and grow louder by the day
Your 'war vets' will now leave you, to flee another way
Now listen to those drums old man their message is not vague
They are pounding out across the world "We'll see you in the Hague !!"
By Alf Hutchison inspired by an unnamed e mail workers day 2008
TO THE MEMORY OF ALL RHODESIANS WHO GAVE THEIR LIVES
WE WILL REMEMBER THEM
H/T Old Dude
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Great idea....
This was written by a construction worker in Fort McMurray. Read on . . .
'I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes, and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit. In order to earn that pay check, I work on a rig site for a Fort McMurray construction project. At any time I am required to pass a random urine test, with which I have no problem. HOWEVER, what I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test. Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check because I have to pass one to earn it for them?
Understand - I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do on the other hand have a problem with helping someone sit on their fanny, drinking beer and smoking dope. Could you imagine how much money this country would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check? '
H/T Peter Gunn
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