US laser warplane under threat from Barack Obama. Any defence cuts will be seen aa a green light for all the troublemakers out there.
Bah humbug! Police ban shops from serving customers mulled wine. Keystone Killjoys.
President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's Christmas C4 speech sparks row. What do you expect from the liberals assholes that run channel 4. Brown should sell it off.
Dmitry Medvedev issues warning to ex-Soviet states. Putin's puppet. The Soviet era is back.
Dozens of militant rockets, mortars barrage Israel. Time for Israel to go in and eradicate Hamas.
Thursday, 25 December 2008
Light News...
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The perfect eggernogger recipe:
1 bit of ready made custard
Bit of vanilla
Bit of cloves
Bit of cream
Pour Myers Dark rum in it and stir until you can't taste anything else.
H/T Thomas Harris
Christmas Carols.....
Once in Royal David's City from King's College Chapel.
Hark the Herald Angels Sing - St.Paul's Cathedral - London
Wednesday, 24 December 2008
Article of the Day...
The President Comforts a Marine Mom.
H/T Shelly
also...
Defense Spending Would Be Great Stimulus. I couldn't agree more. Someone should tell the twit in Number 10.
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Light News...
Ay Caramba! Mexican beauty queen caught in an SUV full of suspected gangbangers.
Local teens claim pranks on county's Speed Cams. This could catch on.
Probe into cosmetic surgeon who 'powered his 4x4 with his patients' excess flab'. Now that is different.
Firefighters told to take down their Christmas lights ... because they're a 'fire hazard'. Oh for f**ks sake.
UK economy suffers its biggest slump for 18 years. Nothing like scaring the crap out of people.
Is there nothing that can be done to free Zimbabwe of Robert Mugabe? Try a bullet.
Public buildings ranked among worst carbon emitters. And they lecture us.
Parents of airmen killed in Nimrod crash in legal battle with Defence Secretary. About time the MoD were held to account for their constant failings.
Plum pudding for one: solitary colonel who flies flag for Britain in far-off land. Poor sod.
The Ghost of Christmas presents....
Dearest Father Christmas, have you had a pleasant year?
You must be getting busy now that time is nearly here
I thought I'd write a letter (which I never norm'ly do)
In the hope that you can help me out and make my dreams come true
I don't want to sound ungrateful for your efforts all these years
But your choice of pressies sometimes left me fighting off the tears.
So this year, Father Christmas, when you pick the gift for me,
Can you please leave something vaguely useful underneath my tree?
So for example Santa Claus, I'll take the chance to warn
That I'd never wear an aftershave named Thrust or Ram or Horn
And when I see, beneath the tree, a shiny ribboned box
I don't expect the contents to be pink and yellow socks.
Or a car wash kit with chamois, wax and stuff to make it glisten,
And what the hell's with talcum powder? Don't you ever listen?
A pair of pants. That's super, thanks I'll nip upstairs and try 'em
(If I'd needed sodding underpants, don't you think I'd buy 'em?)
And another thing now Santa, could you maybe tell me why
You think I'd make a good impression in a Homer Simpson tie?
Or be pleased with cufflinks, handkerchiefs: why ever did you reckon
I was after twenty razor blades as used by David Beckham?
I know you know that JD is my favourite of tipples
Yet my stocking seems to hold a box of "Mini Chocolate Nipples".
And from Waterstones, a little something someone thought was funny:
"The little book of female wisdom." (Waste of fucking money...)
So this year Father Christmas, I'll attempt to make it clear.
I'll accept a crate of Kronenburg (or other premium beer)
A pack of fags would go down well and would avoid my scorn
But Santa, if you're still not sure, just give me loads of porn!
H/T DML
The 12 Days of Christmas Cutbacks....
Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the “Twelve Days of Christmas” subsidiary:
1. The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;
2. Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;
3. The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;
4. The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;
5. The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;
6. The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;
7. The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;
8. As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;
9. Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;
10. Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;
11. Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line;
Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney’s association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (”thirteen lawyers-a-suing”), a decision is pending.
Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
H/T DML
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Tuesday, 23 December 2008
Merry Winter Solstice Holiday!
For my Democrat 'friends':
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. We also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2008, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. And without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishes. By accepting these greetings you are accepting these terms.
This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for herself or himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.
For my Republican friends:
Here’s wishing all of you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
H/T John B
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To all our readers.....
....normal blogging will continue throughout the Holidays. I would personnally like to thank all those who donated to the Christmas Fund and have ensured that it will be a very 'merry' Christmas chez Theo.
Light News....
Police called to 10,000 violent cases in schools in a year. That's what happens when you give up proper discipline. Bring back the cane.
Police failing to investigate 40% of crimes - because they are too hard to solve. No wonder crime is on the increase.
Online retailers prepared for £100m sales blitz with 5million planning to login on Christmas Day. Another nail in the High Street coffin.
Putin's Christmas present for West... a threat to Europe's gas supply, missiles for Iran and law to let him be president again. The guy is a bloody nutter.
Brown bounce over, new poll shows. The sooner we get rid of him the better.
Families to be warned by text message in the event of a nuclear disaster. If they are that close methinks they may have already noticed.
Soldiers beheaded as Mexican drug cartels step up terror to protect $15bn-a-year trade. Mexico is becoming a mess.
East Timor on brink of anarchy admits UN. That's what happens when the UN are involved.
Electric shock: green Prius fails to pay its way. Probably cos it's crap.
US drones kill seven in Pakistan attack. The Taleban are no longer safe in Pakistan.
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