Thursday, 29 January 2009
A woman brought a very limp duck into a vet's surgery.
As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said 'I'm so sorry, your Duck, 'Cuddles' has passed away'
The distressed owner wailed 'Are you sure ?'
'Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead' he replied.
'How can you be so sure,' she protested. ' I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something'
The Vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his paws on the table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the Vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog, and took it out, and returned a few minutes later with a cat.The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, mewed softly
astrolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, 'I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck'.
The vet turned to his PC, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. '$150!', she cried, '$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!'
The vet just shrugged, and said 'I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab report and the Cat scan, it's now $150'
H/T Margo's Maid
Party Preference......
According to a Glamour Magazine poll, 22% of men prefer going to a strip club for their bachelor party.
The other 78% were standing next to their fiancé when answering the question.
H/T DML
News....
Page 3 Tory in PC bust-up. F**k the council.
Now Gordon Brown's own MPs brand him a 'headless chicken' over recession. Brown is finished. Someone should put him out of his misery.
Bitter Siberian winds set to bring snow and give UK coldest winter for 13 years. Woo hoo. A proper winter.
Heavy horses that are 'rarer than pandas' are facing extinction, breeders warn. We must save these magnificent creatures.
Israel targets Hamas weapons factory in overnight strike. Keep on hitting them where ever they hide.
Van ends up balanced on cliff edge in scene resembling The Italian Job. Close.
Barack Obama 'may send letter' to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to smooth US-Iranian relations. Is he really that naive? Oh yes.
Britain opens door to 36,000 Gurkha veterans after policy U-turn. About bloody time too.
Annual house prices plunge 16.6 per cent. Freefall.
Forced to kneel on gravel: the mother deemed a danger to Mugabe. The torture goes on.
Cross-party support fades as Barack Obama rescue passes first test. Too much pork.
'Too many' cannot read and write. And that's just our politicians.
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
Reasons to live In Canada....
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA
1. Vancouver: 1.5 million people and two bridges. You do the math.
2. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is just 5 hours from downtown.
3. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations.
4. There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on.
5. Weed.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA
1. Big rock between you and B.C.
2. Ottawa who?
3. Tax is 5% instead of the approximately 200% it is for the rest of the country.
4. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of.
5. You live in the only province that could actually afford to be its own country.
6. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia groups.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATCHEWAN
1. You never run out of wheat.
2. Your province is really easy to draw.
3. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours.
4. People will assume you live on a farm.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN MANITOBA
1. You wake up one morning to find that you suddenly have a beachfront property.
2. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes.
3. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter.
4. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood.
5. You can pass the time watching trucks and barns float by.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO
1. You live in the centre of the universe.
2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump.
3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election.
4. The only province with hard-core American-style crime.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC
1. Racism is socially acceptable.
2. You can take bets with your friends on which English neighbour will move out next.
3. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada.
4. You can blame all your problems on the 'Anglo *#!%!'
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEW BRUNSWICK
1. One way or another, the government gets 98% of your income.
2. You're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies.
3. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick .
4. Everybody has a grandfather who runs a lighthouse.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA
1. Everyone can play the fiddle. The ones who can't, think they can.
2. You can pretend to have Scottish heritage as an excuse to get drunk and wear a kilt.
3. You are the only reason Anne Murray makes money.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND
1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island, you still got the big, new bridge.
2. You can walk across the province in half an hour.
3. You can drive across the province in two minutes.
4. Everyone has been an extra on 'Road to Avonlea.'
5. This is where all those tiny, red potatoes come from.
6. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND
1. If Quebec separates, you will float off to sea.
2. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse.
3. The workday is about two hours long.
4. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders to your wedding.
H/T Pete Hurrell
Wednesday, 28 January 2009
Late News....
Britain's recession will be deepest, IMF warns. Thank you Brown. You have wrecked the country.
Will Obama Emulate The Century's Worst President? Hell yes. And a lot quicker too.
Two Obamas and Two Middle Easts. And twice the trouble.
The Day America Lost the War on Terror. The next four years are going to be a 'free for all' for every terrorist and dictator.
H/T Shelly
We are going to need more than 6 of them.....
HMS Daring makes home port debut.
also Information Dissemination has some other Navy news.
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
Groan....
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?"
I said, "No, permanent."
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue.?"
I said "No, just a watch."
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name,
it's P something T something R.
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work??
I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
H/T Old Dude
A Reply from the Inland Revenue.....
Dear Mr Addison,
I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise.
I will address them, as ever, in order.
Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we, at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy; traditionally referred to such documents.
Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies is at best a little ill-advised.
In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.
Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking facade of a university system."
A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:
1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;
2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrows of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.
I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the money. Please forward it by Friday.
Yours Sincerely,
H J Lee Customer Relations
H/T Liz B
(From the Guardian 2003)
Fair Dinkum Mate!...........An Aussie Poem....
If you’re a True Blue Aussie, then talk the way we do.
Like “Stone the Crows” and “Ridgy Didge” and “Ow ya goin' Blue”.
Waltz along Matildas and sing of Gundagai,
Talk about the swagmen and eat the big meat pie.
If you’ve never humped a Bluey, or thrown a boomerang,
And never eaten damper, with Vegemite or jam;
If you’ve never seen the "Outback", from Bourke to Timbuktu,
Then sorry mate, but you can’t be, a “Dinkum Real True Blue”.
Aussie blokes and sheilas, are “Bonza” through and through,
They’ve camped down by a “Billabong”, and played a Didgeridoo;
They drive around in Holdens, and go to “Two-Up Schools”,
They play the game of Rugby League, and a lot of "Aussie Rules".
Aussies live “Down Under”, and are very proud of that.
They’ve fought in many battles, and wear the old "Slouch Hat";
They’ve fished the Murrumbidgee, and burnt the “Gidgee Tree”.
They’ve hunted “Crocs” at “Walkabout” with Crocodile Dundee.
Have you heard the Kookaburras laugh, and the Curlews when they cry,
The Goannas scamper up a tree, and the “Roos” go bounding by;
Have you seen the signs of nature, in Australia’s Great Outback,
From Darwin to “The Alice”, and down The Birdsville Track?
Have you ever sailed in Moreton Bay, or surfed at Bondi Beach,
Have you ever caught a Melbourne Tram, or walked down Flinders Street;
Have you journeyed to The Darling Downs, or crossed “The Great Divide”,
And travelled on “The Nullarbor” to reach the other side?
Have you been to Tumbarumba, shooting “Kanga Bloody Roos”,
Have you been down to “The Local” for a night out on “The Booze”;
Have you travelled The Pacific, The Bruce, The Sturt and Hume,
Have you ever seen “The Min-Min Light”, and been across to Broome?
If you’re a "Dinkum Aussie", and done what Aussies do,
You must be feeling very proud, to be a real "True Blue";
No matter what part of Australia, The north, south, east or west,
By being a "Fair Dinkum Aussie", you’re one of the world's very best.
H/T DML
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
