Wednesday, 29 April 2009
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a Redneck, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
H/T M Kohl
Very Light News......
Now even Top Gear could fall foul of Harman sexism law. Oh I don't know. A bit of Vicki Butler-Bonkalot wouldn't go amiss.
Hundreds of Brits 'will get swine flu in weeks'... and pandemic could strike 40% of us. You can always rely on the media to blow things out of proportion and start a panic.
Taleban advance is halted by Pakistan's combined air and ground onslaught. About time.
April 19th, Rally on the Green Round Up, Part 1. The Oath Keepers Rally.
Us vs. pirates. Ted Nugent on the pirates.
and finally.......
Queen thanks Yeomen of the Guard on 500th anniversary of Henry VII's death. A proper protection detail.
and finally....
Obama’s Notre Dame commencement robe: Will there be another ‘cover-up’ at the highest level? (H/T Hamden)
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Film Review: 'The Reader'
Short Review: Dear Penthouse, I was a teenage boy in post World War II Germany and I met this nazi chick on the street. I got dirty bringing coal up to her apartment and you'd never guess what happened to me.
Read Scott's full review here.
Heavy Horses at Work.....
....sadly the numbers of these beautiful creatures are in decline.
H/Ts Peter Gunn & DML
Holywood Squares.....
If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when ‘ Hollywood Squares’ game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q.If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q.You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.
Q.Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say ‘I Love You’?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are ‘Do It,’ ‘I Can Help,’ and ‘I Can’t Get Enough’?
A. George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment.
Q.As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q.Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley W eaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q.If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A.. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q.When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
H/T DML
Tuesday, 28 April 2009
COUNTRY OF TEXAS...........
In case things get a little tough during the next few months we Texans have a plan...
Maybe you don't know it, but Texas is the only state with a legal right to secede from the Union... (Reference the Texas-American Annexation Treaty of 1848.)
We Texans love y'all Americans, but we'll probably have to take action since Barack Obama won the election and is now the President of the U.S.A. We'll miss ya'll though.
Here is what can happen:
1. Barack Hussein Obama, after becoming the President of the United States, begins to try and create a socialist country, then Texas announces that it is going to secede from the Union.
2. George W. Bush becomes the President of the Republic of Texas. You might not think that he talks too pretty, but we haven't had another terrorist attack and the economy was fine until the effects of the Democrats lowering the qualifications for home loans came to roost.
So what does Texas have to do to survive as a Republic?
1. NASA is just south of Houston, Texas. We control the space industry.
2. We refine over 85% of the gasoline in the United States.
3. Defense Industry--we have over 65% of it. The term "Don't mess with Texas ," will take on a whole new meaning.
4. Oil - we can supply all the oil that the Republic of Texas will need for the next 300 years. What will the other states do? Gee, we don't know.
Why not ask Obama?
5. Natural Gas - again, we have all we need and it's too bad about those Northern States. John Kerry and Al Gore will just have to figure out a way to keep them warm...
6. Computer Industry - we lead the nation in producing computer chips and communications equipment - small companies like Texas Instruments, Dell Computer, EDS, Raytheon, National Semiconductor, Motorola, Intel, AMD, Atmel, Applied Materials, Ball Misconduct, Dallas Semiconductor, Nortel, Alcatel, etc. The list goes on and on.
7. Medical Care - We have the research centers for cancer research, the best burn centers and the top trauma units in the world, as well as other large health centers. The Houston Medical Center alone employees over 65,000 people..
8. We have enough colleges to keep educating and making smarter citizens - University of Texas, Texas A&M, Texas Tech, Texas Christian, Rice, SMU, University of Dallas, University of Houston, Baylor, UNT (University of NorthTexas ), Texas Women's University, etc. Ivy grows better in the South anyway.
9. We have an intelligent and energetic work force and it isn't restricted by a bunch of unions. Here in Texas, we are "Right to Work" state and therefore, it's every man and woman for themselves. We just go out and get the job done. And if we don't like the way one company operates, we get a job somewhere else..
10. We have essential control of the paper, plastics, and insurance industries, etc.
11. In case of a foreign invasion, we have the Texas National Guard, the Texas Air National Guard, and several military bases. We don't have an Army, but since everybody down here has at least six rifles and a pile of ammo, we can raise an Army in 24 hours if we need one. If the situation really gets bad, we can always call the Department of Public Safety and ask them to send over the Texas Rangers.
12. We are totally self-sufficient in beef, poultry, hogs, and several types of grain, fruit and vegetables, and let's not forget seafood from the Gulf. Also, everybody down here knows how to cook them so that they taste good. We don't need any food.
13. Three of the ten largest cities in the United States, and twenty-three of the 100 largest cities in the United States are located in Texas. Texas also has more land than California, New York, New Jersey, Connecticut, Delaware, Hawaii, Massachusetts, Maryland, Rhode Island and Vermont combined.
14. Trade: Three of the ten largest ports in the United States are located in Texas.
15. We also manufacture cars down here, but we don't need to. You see, nothing rusts in Texas so our vehicles stay beautiful and run well for decades.
This just names a few of the items that will keep the Republic of Texas in good shape. There isn't a thing out there that we need and don't have.
Now to the rest of you folks in the United States under President Obama:
Since you won't have the refineries to get gas for your cars, only President Obama will be able to drive around in his big 9 mpg SUV. The rest of the United States will have to walk or ride bikes. You won't have any TV as the Space Center in Houston will cut off all satellite communications. You won't have any natural gas to heat your homes, but since Mr. Obama has predicted global warming, you will not need the gas as long as you survive the 2000 years it will take to get enough heat from Global Warming.
In other words, the rest of ya'll in the U.S.A. are screwed!
Signed,
The People of Texas
P.S. This is not a threatening letter - just a note to give you something to think about! Sleep well tonight 'cause the eyes of Texas are upon you!!
H/T Shelly
Video: Mistakes on a Plane
Jon Stewart's take on Air Force one (well, not really AF 1, since POTUS wasn't on board):
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | M - Th 11p / 10c | |||
| Mistakes on a Plane | ||||
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H/T Mark H
Real Family Fortunes Responses..........
Q. Name a famous brother and sister
A. Bonnie & Clyde
Q. Name a dangerous race
A. The Arabs
Q. Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers
A. A horse
Q. Name something that floats in the bath
A. Water
Q. Name something you wear on the beach
A. A deckchair
Q. Name something Red
A. My cardigan
Q. Name a famous royal
A. Mail
Q. Name a number you have to memorise
A. 7
Q. Name something in the garden that’s green
A. Shed
Q. Name something that flies that doesn’t have an engine
A. A bicycle with wings
Q. Name something you might be allergic to
A. Skiing
Q. Name a famous bridge
A. The bridge over troubled waters
Q. Name something a cat does
A. Goes to the toilet
Q. Name something you do in the bathroom
A. Decorate
Q. Name an animal you might see at the zoo
A. A dog
Q. Name something associated with the police
A. Pigs
Q. Name a sign of the zodiac
A. April
Q. Name something slippery
A. A conman
Q. Name a kind of ache
A. Fillet ‘O’ Fish (?)
Q. Name a food that can be brown or white
A. Potato
Q. Name a jacket potato topping
A. Jam
Q. Name a famous Scotsman
A. Jock
Q. Name something with a hole in it
A. Window
Q. Name a non-living object with legs
A. Plant
Q. Name a domestic animal
A. Leopard
Q. Name a part of the body beginning with ‘N’
A. Knee
Q. Name a way of cooking fish
A. Cod
Q. Name something you open other than a door
A. Your bowels
H/T DML
Classic.......
Courtesy of The Old Stick and Rudder Co who have some great videos if you visit their gallery.
For cricket fans to know!
The first "Testicular Guard" was used in cricket in 1874 & the first helmet was used
in 1974.
It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important!
H/T Pete H
Wow: Carl Edwards Horrible Flip into the Fence 2009 Aaron's 499 at Talladega NASCAR Sprint Cup Finish
I recommend watching all of this clip. It is best best version I could find.
H/Ts Charlie H & Gary P
A few sites you may like.....
on 205th Magazine. Mainly Totty.
Uncoached. Assorted stuff.
Flabber. Dutch hottie in fluffy pink bunny suit paintballing.
Unreality Mag. Assorted weird stuff.
Mick Landers. Some great stuff.
Video: Duck and Cover
They way the fool in the Red Shed is going this has just become relevant again.
News....
Helmand heroine. Good girl. She is also cute.
It's official: Women ARE more equal than men as Harman shakeup gives preferential treatment. More bull from Harriet Harmful.
Lord Of The Flies savages: Gang of children stripped, beat and tortured boy, 15, before leaving him for dead in a shallow grave. Hang them.
The butler did it... but magistrates remove his electronic tag so he can continue looking after the Countess anyway. One can't survive without one's staff.
Big Brother climbdown: Smith does U-turn after admitting public don't want a huge database. They will do it on the sly instead.
Nelson's battlefield: Forgotten clumps of trees that map out victory in Battle of the Nile. Must be saved. And we could plant a Trafalgar version.
Swine flu confirmed in Britain. No doubt found in the House of Commons. Actually it would be rather ironic if the Taleban were wiped out by swine flu.
Sri Lanka army 'to stop shelling' Tamil Tiger enclave. Jolly nice of them.
Zimbabwe jets could be seized. They have jets!!!!!
Pakistan's President says Osama bin Laden could be dead. What about that old poof Zaraqueeri?
Yorkshireman 'spoke with Irish accent after brain surgery'. So he is still illiterate.
Territorial Army recruits to be fast-tracked to the front line. So they can cut back the regulars. Get rid of the MoD and use the billions saved to increase our military.
Elephants abandon troubled Zimbabwe. Not stupid these elephants.
Pupils aged 11 to learn about gay sex. WTF!!!
and finally.....
More Naked Anti-Germanism. Some naked yodelling from Jules.
Video: 3rd Battalion of the 505th Parachute Regiment: "The Panthers"
Finally one with good a soundtrack.
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50 Things To Do In An Elevator..............
1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!
4. Whistle the first seven notes of It's a Small World incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: Got enough air in there?
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: Noogie patrol coming!
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. Censored by your son.
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go plink at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: I've got new socks on!
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter gotta go, gotta go then sigh and say oops!
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing Mary had a little lamb while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler Chutes away! whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says human head on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce You're one of THEM! and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say mmmm...tasty!
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers through it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask is that your beeper?
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say Ding! at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say I wonder what all these do and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your personal space.
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: Wanna see wha in muh mouf?
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: I must find a more suitable host body.
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear X-Ray Specs and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say I think it's getting larger.
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler Bad touch!
H/T DML
Monday, 27 April 2009
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