H/T Jerry
Thursday, 5 November 2009
Time Machine.............
President Obama and Gordon Brown are shown a time machine which can see 100
years into the future.
They both decide to test it by asking a question each.
President Obama goes first:
"What will the USA be like in 100 years time?"
The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out:
"The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries"
Gordon Brown thinks "It's not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of that" so he asks:
"What will Britain be like in 100 years time?"
The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout.
But he just stares at it.
"Come on Gordon" says Obama, "Tell us what it says"
"I can't! It's all in Arabic!"
H/T Maurice
News......
Heathrow Blow
Gay Harvard Law School Grad Sets Fire to 9/11 Chapel in NYC
Climate change belief given same legal status as religion
Iran protests: opposition clashes with security forces
Republicans celebrate election victories in double blow to Barack Obama
US 'disappointed' at Italian verdict on CIA kidnap
Iraq tries to lure British tourists in search of adventure
Venezuela denies Israeli charges it is Iran 'base'
Simon Mann faces Scotland Yard grilling as he lands in Britain
Yemen civil war spills over border as Saudi official is killed in attack
Democrats losing support just a year into President Obama’s term
and finally......
The Long Arm of IDF Naval Commandos
Dear Alcohol,
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours.
As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around at the holidays (hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings).
However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone Calls and text messages: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation after 2 a.m. can have much substance or necessity. Why would you make me call my ex's? Especially when I know, for a fact, they DO NOT want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night.
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal. But, why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chilli sauce along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with wine & topped off with a Kit Kat AFTER a few cheese curls & chilli cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater but, I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer this issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.
4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop! This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order. Bu t, the 3 p.m. hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out (face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn or wherever). The hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.
In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Friday 3 p.m. (pre happy hour) on your possible solutions. And hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you,
Your Biggest Fan
H/T DML
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A few more one-liners
61. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
62. We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
63. I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
64. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
65. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
66. My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
67. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
68. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
69. I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
70. I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.
71. I should’ve known it wasn’t going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I’m a Libra and she’s a bitch.
72. I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”
73. Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
74. When in doubt, mumble.
75. I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.
76. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
77. A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
78. Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
79. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
80. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
H/T DML
DAY LATE AND A DOLLAR SHORT
THIRTY YEARS WAR
That's the optimistic name for the war we are in right now . . .
Real world constraints kept me from the computer . . . I was supposed to post yesterday . . . H-E-E-E-Y it's not an excuse its a REASON ! ! ! STORMBRINGER
Republic of Tofurkey
Glenn Beck Imitates Gore's Laugh. Worth a watch. Hear Gore explain nutrition! "Not a laughable issue, Methane." No. Didn't think so!
Dennis Miller explains FOX. According to HuffPo, it's a "slam." Is that why liberals don't know how to vote? They're not sufficiently medicated to know what they're hearing and seeing? That's Really Remarkable.
David Satter: Yesterday Communism, Today Radical Islam
Reuters: Obama Struggles with Bush Legacy. Yeah. That's what he does best, all righty! The Democratic Majority Starts to Unravel.
"After their rout Tuesday in key state elections, Democrats would be wise to take a lesson from history. No, we're not talking 1994, when the GOP took back Congress after two years of Clinton. We're talking 1938.
"That little-remembered year during the depths of the Great Depression was one of the most edifying in electoral history. With FDR in the White House, and still very popular, a rogue Congress with radical ideas embarked on a series of legislative initiatives that helped push a recovering economy back into depression.
"The result: Democrats lost 80 seats in the 1938 election, after gaining seats in 1930, 1932, 1934 and 1936."
Humility and Modesty at the Rebel. Not for the Prim.
Wednesday, 4 November 2009
Air Chief Marshal Sir Keith Rodney Park GCB, KBE, MC & Bar, DFC, RAF
Keith Park did not get the recognition that many felt he deserved after the Battle of Britain but this has now been rectified with the unveiling this morning of his statue on forth plinth of Trafalgar Square.
Rather than give you a historical recitation I think it better if those who got to see him in action should have their say. All things considered I thing Bader demonstrated a genersotiy of spirit that was notably lacking in a few others.
Park and 127 other New Zealander fighter pilots served during the Battle of Britain.
He was the only man who could have lost the war in a day or even an afternoon
Johnnie Johnson
The awesome responsibility for this country’s survival rested squarely on Keith Park’s shoulders. British military history of this century has been enriched with the names of great fighting men from New Zealand, of all ranks and in every one of our services. Keith Park’s name is carved into history alongside those of his peers.
Douglas Bader
If any one man won the Battle of Britain, he did. I do not believe it is realised how much that one man, with his leadership, his calm judgment and his skill, did to save, not only this country, but the world.
Lord Tedder, Chief of the Air Staff
Pithy Obama jokes -
Q: Why does Barack Obama oppose the Second Amendment?
A: It stands between him and the First.
Q: What's the difference between Rahm Emanuel and a
carp?
A: One is a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other is a fish.
Q: What's the difference between Greta Van Susteren and Barack Obama?
A: Greta only talks out of one side of her mouth.
Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted
felon?
A: A fund raiser.
Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet
and a penitentiary?
A: One's full of tax evaders, blackmailers and threats
to society. The other is for prisoners.
Q: What's the difference between a large pizza and the
typical Obama backer?
A: The pizza can feed a family of four.
Q: What's the difference between Simba and Obama?
A: Simba is an African lion while Obama is a lyin'
African.
Q: If Pelosi and Obama were in a boat and it started to
sink, who would be saved?
A: America !!
Q: What's the difference between Obama and Hitler?
A: Hitler wrote his own book.
Q: Why doesn't Obama pray?
A: It's impossible to read the teleprompter with your
eyes closed.
H/T Shelly
A few one-liners...part 3
41. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
42. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
43. Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
44. God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
45. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
46. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
47. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
48. Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
49. Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.
50. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
51. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
52. The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
53. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
54. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
55. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
56. Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
57. It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.
58. Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
59. Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
60. Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
H/T DML
THE FINAL INSPECTION
The soldier stood and faced God,
Which must always come to pass.
He hoped his shoes were shining,
Just as brightly as his brass.
'Step forward now, you soldier,
How shall I deal with you ?
Have you always turned the other cheek ?
To My Church have you been true?'
The soldier squared his shoulders and said,
'No, Lord, I guess I ain't.
Because those of us who carry guns,
Can't always be a saint.
I've had to work most Sundays,
And at times my talk was tough.
And sometimes I've been violent,
Because the world is awfully rough.
But, I never took a penny,
That wasn't mine to keep...
Though I worked a lot of overtime,
When the bills got just too steep.
And I never passed a cry for help,
Though at times I shook with fear.
And sometimes, God, forgive me,
I've wept unmanly tears.
I know I don't deserve a place,
Among the people here.
They never wanted me around,
Except to calm their fears.
If you've a place for me here, Lord,
It needn't be so grand.
I never expected or had too much,
But if you don't, I'll understand.
There was a silence all around the throne,
Where the saints had often trod.
As the soldier waited quietly,
For the judgment of his God.
'Step forward now, you soldier,
You've borne your burdens well..
Walk peacefully on Heaven's streets,
You've done your time in Hell.'
H/T Roger J
News.....
Proof of India’s involvement in militancy found
Britain betrayed as hated EU treaty becomes law
Five British soldiers shot dead by rogue Afghanistan policeman
Republicans win Virginia and New Jersey elections in blow for Barack Obama
£4,350 per family to bail out Britain's banks
Pablo Escobar burnt £1m in cash to keep warm on the run
Many who stormed US embassy in Tehran now oppose Iranian regime
China approves Disney theme park after decade of negotiations
MDT Armours Gideon
Bomb Disposal Hero Killed in Afghanistan Just Days Before Leave
A bad night for Barry...
A Hard Look at "The Mission"
Atheists to Launch a DDOS Attack Against God?!?
It's Barack Obama's first anniversary - but there's precious little to celebrate
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Lesbonics...........
1. What do you call a pantry full of lesbians? ..
A licker cabinet.
2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian? …
A Klondyke.
3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns? .
Militia Etheridge.
4. Why can’t lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?
Because they can’t eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.
5. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe? ….
Fur Traders.
6. What is a lesbian dinosaur called? …..
A Lickalotapuss.
7. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers? …
Well Hung.
8. Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned? …
She was found face down in Ricki Lake.
9. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar? .
Even the pool table doesn’t have balls.
10. What do you call lesbian twins? .
Lick-a-likes.
11. What’s the definition of confusion? …
Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.
12. What’s the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?
One’s a snack cracker, the other’s a crack snacker.
13. What do you have when you’ve got 50 lesbians and 50 state workers?
100 people that don’t do dick.
H/T DML
Tuesday, 3 November 2009
10 Famous Quotes That Were Cut Short.........
No man is good enough to govern another man without that other's consent. And if you don't like it, too bad. I'm the president." - Abraham Lincoln
"It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. That's what I keep telling myself, anyway. Man, she was hot. I am going to be thinking about that ass for a long, long time." - Alfred Lord Tennyson
"Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are. But feel free to shoot yourself in the face. That is not a waste." - Kurt Cobain
"Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall. No, not that one! That was the only thing keeping the commies out." - Ronald Reagan
"An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing. The married guys know what I'm talking about. Am I right, fellas?" - Mahatma Gandhi
"There never was a good war or bad peace. Except that one time when we freed ourselves from the British. That was awesome. Overall, I would say that was a good war." - Benjamin Franklin
"We have nothing to fear but fear itself. Oh God, I think I see a spider crawling up my pant leg. Get it off. GET IT OFF!" - Franklin D.Roosevelt
"Let my people go! No? OK, what if we leave you all the fat chicks?" - Moses
"Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius -- and a lot of courage -- to move in the opposite direction. But what do I know? I'm only Albert Fucking Einstein." - Albert Einstein
H/T DML
The LEFT direction.............from Rico
Here are a couple more (and I have many more charts, but to spare you from MEGO - my eyes glaze over) supporting graphs for ObaMao's statement "right direction for economy."
Yeah...if you're a bleeding Marxist, but not if you're one of the "too small to matter" taxpaying proletariat.
This is what the LEFT direction looks like.
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