Saturday, 17 May 2008
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Army Pensioners
Army found they had too many officers and NCOs and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.
They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points of his body. The officer to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000. The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his up stretched hands to his toes.
He walked out with £96,000. The third one was a grizzly old Sergeant Major who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my todger to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the woman from the MOD that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers had received. But the old Sergeant Major insisted and MOD, ever careful with the Public Purse, decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The MO arrived and instructed the Sarnt Major to 'drop 'em', which he did.
The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Sarnt Major's todger and began to work back.
"Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'
And the Sergeant Major replied, 'Basra'.
H/T Killem
WHY SENTENCE STRUCTURE IS SO IMPORTANT
The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said: 'Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off.'
'Could you jack off?' she says, 'I feel like shit.'
H/T Canis 61
"...To the guy doing my wife. You know who you are. Yes I know. No I am not angry, I would just ask a few things of you. After all you are giving it to my wife.
1.Please stop leaving the seat up, I keep getting blamed and it is starting to get old.
2.You may be giving me a chance to go fishing more often but please stop drinking all my beer. It is fine if you have a couple while you visit (god knows I drink plenty before I find her attractive), but please leave me a few as I have to be there longer than you.
3.If you do drink the last one buy more or leave money on the counter I will pick some up...."
H/T Thomas Harris
Illusion .....
Look at Einstein, and then step back from your computer ten or fifteen feet. 
H/T Jeffrey Nihart
Men's and women's brains.....v funny.
Mark Gungor explains the difference between the male and the female brain
News...
How rip-off holiday firms DOUBLE prices during half-term. And this is a surprise!!!!
Only one teenage thug in every SEVENTEEN is sent to prison. Time for chain-gangs.
A totalitarian regime in thrall to a Tsar who's creating the new Facist empire. Another bully boy who is going to cause all sorts of trouble.
Osama bin Laden targets Israel on anniversary. Well that's one way of getting himself killed.
Soaring bills leave families just £50 a week. There is going to be some serious belt-tightening. Just watch to see how many more non-jobs Labour creates in the public sector to hide the rise in un-employment.
Robert Mugabe announces date of presidential run-off with Morgan Tsvangirai. I am surprised he didn't also announce the result!!!
James May: Come fly with me.
Defence chiefs have last-minute doubts about £4bn carriers. We need to start spending a lot more on defence. We can start by emptying the MP's pension fund because they don't deserve it.
Republicans look to John McCain to save them from meltdown. Translation: The media are going to do everything to get a Democratic victory.
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A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil crisis here in our country.
Well, there's a very simple answer.
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
We just didn't know we were getting low.
The reason for that is purely geographical.
Our OIL is located in The North Sea
Our DIPSTICKS are located in Westminster !!!
H/T Andi Bridgwater
Friday, 16 May 2008
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Light news.....
From hijacker to airport cleaner. You couldn't make it up!!
Oil price rise tax windfall 'is enough to scrap October's 2p rise in petrol duty'. Dream on, the Gov needs every penny it can scrape together.
Euro 2008: al-Qa'eda threatens terrorist attack. Another threat from the cave-dwellers.
Texas invaded by 'crazy Raspberry' ants. Well it makes a change from Mexicans.
Files linking Hugo Chavez to rebels 'not faked'. He is a bug that needs squashing.
Rioting Rangers fans ‘threat to England’s World Cup bid’. We don't want the World Cup and after the farce of the Olympics we will never be allowed to host anything again.
McCain: I will win Iraq, kill bin Laden and start President's Question Time. Not unless he gets rid of the State Department and all the rest of the Beltway Bozos who cock everything up. Whitehall is the same, nothing but an expensive nuisance.
Computers and Women
After years of research, scientists have discovered that women do not like the standard mouse given away with PC's. Scientists found that there is not a physical reason for their aversion; It is more of a Psychological problem.
Some women reported that their mouse 'just didn't feel right' in their hands. Based on the research, a new mouse has been designed especially for women.
Various field tests have been carried out on the new design:
Julie from Hounslow said - 'It feels so much better. More comfortable, more like how it's supposed to be'
Susan from Chelmsford added - 'I think mice were originally designed just for men, but this new type is definitely made for women. It fits right in with my lifestyle'
Hillary from Kent said - 'I took to it like a duck to water, every woman should have one'! 
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