H/T The Jawa Report
Friday, 13 February 2009
How the Battle of Trafalgar would pan out if it happened today....
Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
Nelson (reading aloud): "'England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it, full speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knots speed limit in this stretch of water."
Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness, and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"
Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
Hardy: "As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
Nelson: "In that case................................ kiss me, Hardy"
AND SADLY THAT JUST ABOUT SUMS IT ALL UP !!
H/T Niall
Site of the Day......
Knickerpicker for those of you who haven't yet got something your Valentine. Dress up your very own model.
H/T Liz B
Airfix never did this......
A PLANE buff has built a kit-model replica of a Spitfire.
Actually this story first appeared in July 2006. The MSM really should try and keep up.
H/T Liz B
Breaking News.....
An English woman was admitted to hospital after having phone sex.
Doctors removed 2 Nokias, 3 Motorolas and a Samsung.
No Siemen was found.
H/T Old Dude
New Cocktail.....
Most popular cocktail in New York - The Sully, named after Capt. Chesley B. "Sully" Sullenberger.
It's two shots of Grey Goose and a splash of water.
H/T Old Dude
The ASDA Greeter.....
A very loud, greasy, unattractive, tattooed, welfare dependent, chav, minger, woman wearing a Celtic top walked into ASDA in Castlemilk (a sprawling council estate on Glasgow's east side) with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The ASDA greeter said pleasantly, 'Good morning madam, and welcome to ASDA. Nice children you have there. Are they twins by any chance?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'F*ck naw, they're
nae twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the f*ck would you think they're twins? Are you blind, thick or just stupid?'
'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam,' replied the greeter. 'I just
couldn't believe you've been shagged twice.
Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at ASDA.'
H/T AJD
News.....
Municipal Porn Archive Lost Jules always has the best stories.
Strippers support A-Rod. I was engaged to a stripper a few years ago.
Brown promises bonus review – but it won’t be till end of year. For two reasons. 1) he won't be in power at the end of the year and 2) he is not about to jeopardise those nice city directorships has has lined up.
Revealed: The true horror of everyday life in Zimbabwe. Send in troops, NOW.
Tolerance? That's just double Dutch. Well said.
It's Lincoln's 200th Birthday from Diminished Expectations.
Gregg statement on his withdrawal. There is still some integrity on Washington.
Baby-faced boy, 13, becomes a father and insists: 'I'll be a good dad'. His parents should be charged with something and made legally responsible for the baby 'til it is 18. Why should taxpayers have to subsidise these 'illegal' offspring.
High life for Sir Humphrey : Extraordinary freebies enjoyed by Britain's mandarins revealed. Sack the lot. Nobody invites a civil servant to the races 'cos he is a nice guy. This is bribery plain and simple.
GPs to get bonuses for giving teenagers contraceptive implants and jabs without informing parents. And we wonder why British society is going down the shi**er.
Mayor Boris turns the air true blue in 'four-letter rant' at top Labour MP Keith Vaz. Good old Boris, Vaz deserved it.
Labour 'smeared independent statisticians' over report on TRUE number of foreign workers in Britain. Labour smear anyone who dares speak the truth.
Darling makes us wait an extra month for the budget. A pathetic attempt to buy votes in the June elections.
Teenage handbag thief outpaced by 72-year-old ex-sprinter. The little s**t will never live that down.
Pakistan admits Mumbai terrorists operated on its soil. Pakistan has become terrorist central.
Gordon Brown rules out aid to Zimbabwe despite Morgan Tsvangirai appointment. Hardly surprising as Brown and Mugabe follow the same marxist doctrine.
Spain to accept transsexuals into armed forces. Sums up the Spanish Army.
Cost of war in Iraq and Afghanistan rises to £4.5bn. Freedom isn't cheap. We need to double the military budget.
Bit by bit, Gordon Brown's fantasy is being pulled apart by the facts. Even the media are deserting Brown. He cannot last much longer.
Nicolas Sarkozy 'asked Carla Bruni to marry him minutes after meeting her'. Can you blame him.
Married? You’re in a minority now as wedding rates fall to record low. Labour have done everything they can to ruin marriage. They love those little single mums with their 14 offspring who will live of the state and vote Labour every time.
British to play smaller role as US troops fight ‘losing battle’. Only the Democrats could call Afghanistan a losing battle. They have to continue the GWOT but do they have the balls.
Hugo Chávez takes on ‘little Yankees’ to gain more time for revolution. Why is it that these revolutions always end up wrecking the country.
US military loses 222,000 weapons sent to Afghanistan since 2001. Not helpful.
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Why don't we get these in Norfolk.....
...I can think of nothing better to handle the global warming that is covering Norfolk at the moment. They should road-test this on Top-Gear.
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H/T DML
Profound Statements........
1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress. -- John Adams
2. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. -- Mark Twain
3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain
4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. -- Winston Churchill
5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. -- George Bernard Shaw.
6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. -- G. Gordon Liddy
7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. -- James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)
8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. -- Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University
9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. -- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian
10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. -- Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)
11. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. -- Ronald Reagan (1986)
12. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. -- Will Rogers
13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! -- P.J. O'Rourke
14. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. -- Voltaire (1764)
15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! -- Pericles (430 B.C.)
16. No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. -- Mark Twain (1866)
17. Talk is cheap . . . except when Congress does it. -- Anonymous
18. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. -- Ronald Reagan
19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. -- Winston Churchill
20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. -- Mark Twain
21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. -- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)
22. There is no distinctly native American criminal class...save Congress. -- Mark Twain
H/T Peter Gunn
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