Hackers break into jet fighter weapons project. Someone had better get some bigger firewalls. The Chinese are becoming a serious problem.
H/T DML
Tuesday, 21 April 2009
I blame the Chinese.....
Light News...
MPs award themselves a three-month summer holiday - that's one week longer than last year. Boot the lot out.
Russian journalist blasts 'Big Brother Britain' and compares it to life in the old Soviet Union. Socialist are control freaks and always have been.
A-road speed limits to be reduced to 50mph. Speed doesn't kill. Bad driving does.
Rural Britain to miss out on super-fast broadband. Oh crap!
Britain and EU diplomats walk out as Mahmoud Ahmadinejad calls Israel 'racist'. Why were they there in the first place?
Barack Obama visits CIA to calm uproar over release of secret memos. Not sure pissing off the CIA is a good idea.
Tamil protesters block Parliament's entrance and roads around Westminster. Why haven't they been moved on. If it were farmers the riot police would have gone in batons swinging.
Jacob Zuma vows to spread the 'rewards of liberation' in South Africa. A la Mugabe.
Speeders.......
A Senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 160Kmh; enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the N1, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 180Kmh, then 220, then 240Kmh. Suddenly, he thought, "What On earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!"
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him..
Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes.
Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," said the policeman.
H/T M Kohl
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Did you hear about the 83 year old woman who talked herself out of a speeding ticket by telling the young officer that she had to get there before she forgot where she was going?
Makes perfectly good sense to me....
H/T Shelly
A Parent's Worst Nightmare!
A father entered his daughter’s bedroom and saw a letter on the bed. With the worst premonition he read it with trembling hands.
Dear Mum and Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m telling you that I’ve eloped with my new boyfriend. I’ve found real love and he is so nice, especially with all his piercings, scars, tattoos, and his big motorcycle. But it is not only that, I’m pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that is one of my dreams.
I’ve learned that marijuana doesn’t hurt anyone and we’ll be growing it for us and his friends. They’re the ones providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we could ever want.
In the meantime, we’ll pray for science to find the AIDS cure so Ahmed gets better. He deserves it. Don’t worry about money, Ahmed has arranged for me to be in films that his friends Leroy and Jamal make in their basement.
Apparently I can earn $50 a scene and I get a $50 bonus if there are more than three men in the scene, and an extra $100 if they use a horse. Don’t worry Mum, now I’m 15 years old I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I’ll visit you and Dad so that you can meet your grandchildren.
Your loving daughter, Aimee
P.S. Dad, it’s not true, I’m at a neighbours house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than denting the car. Sorry about your BMW.
H/T DML
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Being a Grandparent...........
1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, 'But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!'
I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye!!
2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, '62.'
He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, 'Did you start at 1?'
3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, 'Who was THAT?'
4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: 'We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.'
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, 'I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!'
5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, 'Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?'
I mentally polished my halo and I said, 'No, how are we alike?'
'You're both old,' he replied.
6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. 'What's it about?' he asked.
'I don't know,' she replied, 'I can't read.
7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colours yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what colour it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying, 'Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!'
8. When my grandson Melvin and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, 'It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.'
9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, 'I'm not sure.'
'Look in your underwear, Grandpa,' he advised. 'Mine says I'm four to six.'
10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, 'Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.'
The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. 'That's interesting,' she said, 'how do you make babies?'
''It's simple,' replied the girl. 'You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'.'
11. Children's Logic: 'Give me a sentence about a public servant,' said a teacher.
The small boy wrote: 'The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.'
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. 'Don't you know what pregnant means?' she asked.
'Sure,' said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child.'
12. A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. 'They use him to keep crowds back,' said one child.
'No,' said another, 'He's just for good luck.'
A third child brought the argument to a close. 'They use the dogs,' she said firmly, 'to find the fire hydrants!
H/T DML
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