H/T Ted
Tuesday, 28 April 2009
50 Things To Do In An Elevator..............
1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!
4. Whistle the first seven notes of It's a Small World incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: Got enough air in there?
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: Noogie patrol coming!
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. Censored by your son.
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go plink at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: I've got new socks on!
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter gotta go, gotta go then sigh and say oops!
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing Mary had a little lamb while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler Chutes away! whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says human head on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce You're one of THEM! and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say mmmm...tasty!
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers through it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask is that your beeper?
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say Ding! at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say I wonder what all these do and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your personal space.
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: Wanna see wha in muh mouf?
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: I must find a more suitable host body.
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear X-Ray Specs and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say I think it's getting larger.
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler Bad touch!
H/T DML
Monday, 27 April 2009
WILL WE STOP THE TALIBAN IN PAKISTAN?........by STORMBRINGER
This is strategic analysis of the highest order and you can bet dollars to doughnuts the CIA, the DIA and the US State Dept are looking long & hard at these developments.
Can a guerrilla force of 500 knock over a modern, established nation-state? In 1959 Fidel Castro pulled such a maneuver off, but Cuba of the Batista regime did not possess an army as professional and well-equipped as the Pakistani Army.
Contrary to popular opinion, the majority of the Cuban people were not with Fidel's revolution . . . and the majority of the Pakistani population is not with the Taliban. It is only possible for the Taliban to make such advances in the Federally Administered Tribal Regions, which are semi-autonomous and only nominally controlled by the government of Pakistan.
I suggest.....................continue reading
Free tickets - hurry, they are going fast...
I have 4 extra tickets for the Robbie Knievel (son of Evel Knievel) event at the United Spirit Arena in Lubbock, Texas if anybody wants them. He's going to try to jump 1000 Obama supporters with a bulldozer. Should be a good time!
H/T Shelly
News.....
Is swine flu already here? Expert's fear as deadly virus spreads to more countries. The media love a good excuse to spread fear and panic.
Brown's £5,000 expenses bribe: Labour MPs offered cash if they back his reforms. He is desperate.
EU judges want Sharia law applied in British courts. F**k em.
Cruise ship opens fire on pirates after Somalis attack luxury liner with AK47s. Miniguns on the bow would be fun.
Gay Tory frontbencher faces police probe after Miss Universe death threat live on TV. Boot him out.
Iran's President 'would support two-state solution' for Israel. Twaddle.
Viagra rival 'can be rubbed directly into skin'. That's handy.
Miss California becomes Right-wing pin-up. It's called free speech.
Defence no longer a no-go area for cuts, says George Osborne. Hands off defence.
Many reported dead as Pakistani army attacks Taleban near Swat. It's a start, but Pakistan has to do more.
US pins its hopes on ‘Dad’s Army’ to turn tide in fight for local loyalties. Let's hope it works.
The Hotline.....
Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Please stay on the line until we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, please listen carefully until the voices tell you which number to press.
If you are borderline, it doesn’t matter which number you press– no one will answer.
If you are manic-depressive, please press 7 as fast as you can for the next 24 hours, and then crash for the following 24 hours.
If you have bipolar affective disorder, please leave a message after the beep and before the beep and after the beep.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you have ADD, wander away from the phone and start another task.
If you suffer from generalized anxiety disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
If you suffer from social phobia, please hang up and go to a party.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone, and mother’s maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
Thank you for calling the Psychiatric Hotline.
H/T DMl
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