H/T Scotty
Wednesday, 29 April 2009
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Film Review: 'The Reader'
Short Review: Dear Penthouse, I was a teenage boy in post World War II Germany and I met this nazi chick on the street. I got dirty bringing coal up to her apartment and you'd never guess what happened to me.
Read Scott's full review here.
Heavy Horses at Work.....
....sadly the numbers of these beautiful creatures are in decline.
H/Ts Peter Gunn & DML
Holywood Squares.....
If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when ‘ Hollywood Squares’ game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q.If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q.You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.
Q.Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say ‘I Love You’?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are ‘Do It,’ ‘I Can Help,’ and ‘I Can’t Get Enough’?
A. George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment.
Q.As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q.Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley W eaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q.If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A.. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q.When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
H/T DML
Tuesday, 28 April 2009
COUNTRY OF TEXAS...........
In case things get a little tough during the next few months we Texans have a plan...
Maybe you don't know it, but Texas is the only state with a legal right to secede from the Union... (Reference the Texas-American Annexation Treaty of 1848.)
We Texans love y'all Americans, but we'll probably have to take action since Barack Obama won the election and is now the President of the U.S.A. We'll miss ya'll though.
Here is what can happen:
1. Barack Hussein Obama, after becoming the President of the United States, begins to try and create a socialist country, then Texas announces that it is going to secede from the Union.
2. George W. Bush becomes the President of the Republic of Texas. You might not think that he talks too pretty, but we haven't had another terrorist attack and the economy was fine until the effects of the Democrats lowering the qualifications for home loans came to roost.
So what does Texas have to do to survive as a Republic?
1. NASA is just south of Houston, Texas. We control the space industry.
2. We refine over 85% of the gasoline in the United States.
3. Defense Industry--we have over 65% of it. The term "Don't mess with Texas ," will take on a whole new meaning.
4. Oil - we can supply all the oil that the Republic of Texas will need for the next 300 years. What will the other states do? Gee, we don't know.
Why not ask Obama?
5. Natural Gas - again, we have all we need and it's too bad about those Northern States. John Kerry and Al Gore will just have to figure out a way to keep them warm...
6. Computer Industry - we lead the nation in producing computer chips and communications equipment - small companies like Texas Instruments, Dell Computer, EDS, Raytheon, National Semiconductor, Motorola, Intel, AMD, Atmel, Applied Materials, Ball Misconduct, Dallas Semiconductor, Nortel, Alcatel, etc. The list goes on and on.
7. Medical Care - We have the research centers for cancer research, the best burn centers and the top trauma units in the world, as well as other large health centers. The Houston Medical Center alone employees over 65,000 people..
8. We have enough colleges to keep educating and making smarter citizens - University of Texas, Texas A&M, Texas Tech, Texas Christian, Rice, SMU, University of Dallas, University of Houston, Baylor, UNT (University of NorthTexas ), Texas Women's University, etc. Ivy grows better in the South anyway.
9. We have an intelligent and energetic work force and it isn't restricted by a bunch of unions. Here in Texas, we are "Right to Work" state and therefore, it's every man and woman for themselves. We just go out and get the job done. And if we don't like the way one company operates, we get a job somewhere else..
10. We have essential control of the paper, plastics, and insurance industries, etc.
11. In case of a foreign invasion, we have the Texas National Guard, the Texas Air National Guard, and several military bases. We don't have an Army, but since everybody down here has at least six rifles and a pile of ammo, we can raise an Army in 24 hours if we need one. If the situation really gets bad, we can always call the Department of Public Safety and ask them to send over the Texas Rangers.
12. We are totally self-sufficient in beef, poultry, hogs, and several types of grain, fruit and vegetables, and let's not forget seafood from the Gulf. Also, everybody down here knows how to cook them so that they taste good. We don't need any food.
13. Three of the ten largest cities in the United States, and twenty-three of the 100 largest cities in the United States are located in Texas. Texas also has more land than California, New York, New Jersey, Connecticut, Delaware, Hawaii, Massachusetts, Maryland, Rhode Island and Vermont combined.
14. Trade: Three of the ten largest ports in the United States are located in Texas.
15. We also manufacture cars down here, but we don't need to. You see, nothing rusts in Texas so our vehicles stay beautiful and run well for decades.
This just names a few of the items that will keep the Republic of Texas in good shape. There isn't a thing out there that we need and don't have.
Now to the rest of you folks in the United States under President Obama:
Since you won't have the refineries to get gas for your cars, only President Obama will be able to drive around in his big 9 mpg SUV. The rest of the United States will have to walk or ride bikes. You won't have any TV as the Space Center in Houston will cut off all satellite communications. You won't have any natural gas to heat your homes, but since Mr. Obama has predicted global warming, you will not need the gas as long as you survive the 2000 years it will take to get enough heat from Global Warming.
In other words, the rest of ya'll in the U.S.A. are screwed!
Signed,
The People of Texas
P.S. This is not a threatening letter - just a note to give you something to think about! Sleep well tonight 'cause the eyes of Texas are upon you!!
H/T Shelly
Video: Mistakes on a Plane
Jon Stewart's take on Air Force one (well, not really AF 1, since POTUS wasn't on board):
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | M - Th 11p / 10c | |||
| Mistakes on a Plane | ||||
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H/T Mark H
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