Wednesday, 13 May 2009
International Security levels....an oldie but a classic
The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats in Islamabad and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.
It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case.
And at a local level...
New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shut, I hope Austrulia will come end riscue us". In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". There has not been a situation yet that has warranted the used of the final escalation level.
H/T Rodney
A man is sitting in a bar far from home when Barack Obama comes
on TV. The man looks at the TV and says, "Obama is a horse's ass."
Out of nowhere, a local jumps up and punches him in the face,
knocking the first guy off his bar stool, then stomps out.
He gets up, rubbing his cheek and orders another beer.
Shortly after, Michelle Obama appears on the TV. He looks at the
TV and says, "She is a horse's ass too!"
Out of nowhere, another local punches him on the other side of the
face, knocking him off his bar stool again.
He gets back up and looks at the bartender, "I take it this is
Obama country?"
"Nope." replies the bartender. "Horse country."
H/T Shelly
Coincidence?
2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia
2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing
2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs around the globe.
Has any one else noticed this???!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It gets worse........ Next year......
2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?
H/T Rodney
Katie Price and Peter Andre are splitting up.
Apparently it all kicked off at the weekend when he heard on the news that the Pope had been in Jordan.
H/T Tim
News.....
Phwoar is over. Once again the MoD prove what a bunch of assholes they are.
'Repay the expenses or I'll kick you out of the party': Cameron's warning to Tory MPs. Good move. Don't see Brown doing the same.
2.2 MILLION: Jobless total rockets again as 244,000 are thrown out of work since Christmas. The real figure is way higher.
High-flier: Red Arrows welcome first female pilot who is currently patrolling skies above Iraq. Well someone has to make the tea.
Landlady transforms pub into 'smoking research centre' in legal loophole so customers can smoke indoors. Absolutely brilliant.
US soldier who shot five troops was 'broken' by counsellors. Never been convinced by counselling.
America threatens trade war with China. Bit late now. It is very hard to find stuff not made in China.
Baby Peter 'failed by NHS staff who saw him 35 times'. Someone should be sacked but I doubt if they will.
Britain and Argentina lodge rival claims to seabed around Falklands. Better start 'warming up' the Navy or what's left of it.
The superyacht top ten. Some people have waaaay to much money.
Pakistan drops hundreds of commandos in Taleban's Swat strongholds. About time too.
and finally.....
Gordon Brown says every police force should walk people home if they feel unsafe. WTF!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
