Courtesy of Geocast TV
Monday, 9 February 2009
News....
50 De-Stimulating Facts. And I thought Brown was the master of wasting taxpayers money.
High-ranking Foreign Office diplomat arrested over anti-Semitic gym tirade. Sums up the FO's attitude to Israel. The whole lot are bloody useless.
Climber who fell 370ft rescued after helicopter spots lighter flame from eight miles away. Lucky escape. Why not create a mobile phone with a homing beacon/panic button for emergencies.
Labour areas receive FOUR times more Lottery cash than Conservative constituencies. No s**t.
Golly-phobia gets the Beeb in a right tizz. Sod the BBC.
Families of British servicemen killed in Iraq to get Government help to visit country. A good idea. There again if they had been properly equipped many of them would still have their sons and daughters.
Giant bird goes on Rod Hull and Emu rampage. How had is it to catch a bird?
Zimbabwe cholera epidemic 'will hit 100,000'. Hopefully it will spread to South Africa, then they may drop their support for Mugabe.
Barack Obama is a novice - and it shows. I can think of several much better words.
US military develops anti-aircraft laser. Will it survive Obama's defence cuts?
Iran, 30 Years On: Was it worth it? They wanted change and have been suffering from it ever since. Serves them right.
Treasury’s bank bonus team to get own payout. Why? And how much will be 'donated' back to the Labour party.
Compulsory visas for South Africans. As long as we let the Zimbabweans in.
Taleban release video of Pole being beheaded as warning to foreigners. We must wipe them out by any means necessary.
Australian PM says arsonists guilty of mass murder as bushfire toll rises to 131. Hope they catch them. Does Oz have the death penalty?
Money Saving Tips......
In these harsh times we all seem to be looking for ways to stretch our meagre salaries or savings out.
I hope my following suggestions may give some ideas how to best manage in these dark days:
DON'T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.
DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.
HOMEOWNERS: Prevent burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.
SAVE money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y,
DON'T waste money buying expensive binoculars; simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
AN empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.
HOUSEWIVES, the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.
OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books, simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
SAVE on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
SAVE a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam, they will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence.
OLD people, if you feel cold indoors this winter, simply pop outside for ten minutes without a coat, when you go back inside you will really feel the benefit.
CAN'T afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of cling film and press them into your eyes.
WHY pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen chips from the freezer and try piecing together potatoes.
MIX tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto! Toffee.
MAKE your own inexpensive mints by leaving blobs of toothpaste to dry on a window sill. Use striped toothpaste to make humbugs.
SHOPPERS, when buying oranges, get more for your money by peeling them before taking them to the counter to be weighed.
WOMEN: Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't care less anyway and you could use the saved energy to Hoover the house afterwards
H/T AJD
Navy releases prisoner.......
U.S.Navy releases Al Qaeda Terrorist
The US Navy today announced that it has released a senior Al Qaeda terrorist after questioning him extensively for 27 days while being held prisoner aboard a US aircraft carrier in the Arabian Sea .
In a humanitarian gesture, the terrorist was given $50 US and a white 1962 Ford Fairlane automobile upon being released from custody.
The attached photo shows the terrorist on his way home just after being released by the Navy.
H/T Rico
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Must See Video of the Day: Convoy ( GB )
.. they just played the original Convoy by CW MacCall so I thought I would post the British version. It's a brilliant spoof.
Ice Cream News.......
Baskin Robbins is introducing a new ice cream in honor of the new President, "Barocky Road".
It's half vanilla, half chocolate, surrounded by fruits and nuts!
H/T Nebraska Bob
People were in their pews at church....
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, “Don't you know who I am?”
The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”
“Aren't you afraid of me?” Satan asked.
“Nope, sure ain't,” said the man.
“Don't you realize I can kill with a single word?” asked Satan
“Don't doubt it for a minute,” returned the old man in an even tone.
“Do you know that I can cause you profound horrifying AGONY for all eternity?” persisted Satan.
“Yep,” was the calm reply.
“And you're still not afraid?” asked Satan.
“Nope,” said the old man
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, “Well, why aren't you afraid of me?”
The man calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for 44 years.”
H/T Stormbringer
Sunday, 8 February 2009
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Golf Humour....
A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole my son? "
The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?"
The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray. "
The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green.
The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.
The young man says, "I don't know about you father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down."
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A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.
As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?"
The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?"
H/T Old Dude
The Economic Situation.......from Rico.
This applies to both sides of the pond.
'The guy who 'called' the bursting of the 'tech' bubble and later the beginning-of-the-end of the 'housing' bubble JR Talbott has some distressing predictions.
- The housing slump has just begun. Expect 4-5 more years.
- We are not half-way through it yet, and won't be until we hit 1997 levels for housing prices.
What? He argues that housing prices remained 'flat' for about 120 years, began increasing in 1981, but surged out of proportion to everything else from 1997-2006. His arithmetic is hard to refute. His book "Contagion" is like reading Nostrodamus, except JR is more specific and accurate. It's hard to argue with a blistering annual 30% rate of decline for home prices.
January car sales dropped 37% in January '09, but that hides the REAL story. Chrysler sales down 55%, GM sales down 49%, and Ford sales down 40% (yeah...Toyota <32%>/Nissan<30%>/Honda<28%> have not been unscathed either).
So that's two big things, HOUSING and CARS that are in the tank and our politicians are full of rhetoric and considering indiscriminate spending (pork)...neither of which will get the job done. There will be no end-zone dance at the rate our elected 'economic geniuses' are moving...glacially (except when it is to the Left and in the wrong direction, of course). There is a slim-to-none chance of Washingtoon pulling the fat from the fire by the fiscal and monetary methods that are being tried now.
Short of CUTTING TAXES, and CUTTING THE SIZE OF GOVERNMENT the Carter years are going to seem like loads-o-fun!'
H/T Rico
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The Sunday Best....
Expenses row: 'Lodger' deal earns Jacqui Smith £100,000 as she claims sister's house is main home. Thieving bitch.
Troubled RBS wants to pay staff £1bn bonus after taxpayers' £20bn bail-out. No way.
Death threats made to Carol Thatcher over 'golliwog' row, her agent claims. The BBC are being assholes, as usual.
President Blair: Former PM set to become EU chief as Sarkozy battles to win him the post. That should guarantee our leaving the EU.
MoD accused of wasting money after producing 33-page guide on dealing with transsexuals in the Armed Forces. Is there a single brain cell in the MoD?
The SS Grit Britain is on its way: Tons of road salt shipped here as more heavy snow is predicted. Six inches is not heavy snow.
Sleaze, spin and how the Obamas are already turning into Tony and Cherie Blair. As predicted. No wonder Blair met Obama first they are cut from the same sleazy cloth.
Snow surrender - I saw no roaming polar bears or ravening timber wolves, just the final proof that our nation is now as soft as slush. Couldn't agree more.
Britain under attack from 20 foreign spy agencies including France and Germany. And the Home Office is too incompetent to stop them.
British teenagers have lower IQs than their counterparts did 30 years ago. The correct phrase is 'thick as s**t'.
CIA warns Barack Obama that British terrorists are the biggest threat to the US. And an even bigger threat to us.
Joe Biden tells Munich conference: 'US will talk to Iran and ally with Russia against terror'. Clueless klutz.
French fighter planes grounded by computer virus. Atchooo....
Bankers 'used corporate credit cards to pay for prostitutes'. Why is this no surprise.
Barack Obama endures most difficult week since taking office. And it was only week 3.
Gordon Brown's been shamed and scorned - and upstaged by Tony Blair. He is finished. How much longer will he hang about wrecking Britain.
The BBC just carries on giving offence. The TV licence will be gone soon. They can no longer justify it.
Spy centre will track you on holiday. People can still afford holidays!!
Obama puts brake on Afghan surge. That is because he wants to cut back the military. He cannot do it and increase troop numbers in Afghanistan. Troops are still needed in Iraq for a while.
Netanyahu stokes fears to take poll lead. Israel needs to stay strong.
Researchers Develop "Brain-Controlled" Wheelchair Robotic Arm. Let's have robotic mice for us bloggers.
the Clarkypoos bit......
BMW 730d SE.
Little Jimmy May.....
So who is The Stig?
and the Hamster.
No one can afford to buy a real car now: Richard Hammond alive and kicking
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ATM Procedures....
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.mvpro4.jpg
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Reinsert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and reenter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Recheck makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
H/T DML
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