Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the sticky tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mum just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from mens' bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mum?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's Mums like me.
What kind of little girl was your Mum?
1. My Mum has always been my Mum and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did Mum need to know about Dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your Mum marry your Dad?
1. My Dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mum eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My Grandma says that Mum didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mum doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because Dad's such an idiot.
2. Mum. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mum is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.
What's the difference between Mums & Dads?
1. Mums work at work and work at home and Dads just go to work at work.
2. Mums know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but Mums have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Mums have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your Mum do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't have spare time.
2. To hear her talk, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your Mum perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. You know her hair. I'd die it, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your Mum, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mum smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.
H/T M Kohl
Monday, 30 March 2009
WHY GOD MADE MUMS.....
Sunday, 29 March 2009
Comparing Obama-Lincoln [Reagan's Ghost speaks]......from Rico
I have yet to be amused by comparisons of BHO to Lincoln. There is no comparison as far as I can see.
I am not amused by efforts in Maryland to change the state song to (among other things) remove oblique references to Lincoln as a tyrant. Honest history does not portray Lincoln as a living saint.
I am not amused that in order to lower my tax burden it took a substantial capital gains loss to do so. I found that move overwhelmingly counterproductive to my eventual efforts to amass sufficient financial resources to permit me to retire for real.
Ronnie
Rico writes....
Ronnie is quite right. There is NO valid comparison of BHO to Lincoln, BUT I think that while 'some' (Copperheads a.k.a. Democrats) liked to falsely 'call' Lincoln a tyrant, their modern-day versions (Communists a.k.a. Democrats) and BHO actually WANT BHO TO BE A TYRANT!
After all....it's not really fascism in their minds if THEY do it!
NOT AMUSING. NOT AT ALL!!! 
Sunday 'Headlines'.......
American dyslexics fight for the right to arm bears
Burglar let off after claiming he was just ‘quantitative easing’.
Ukrainian bride delivery ‘left next door’.
Change in policy as Government announces plan to build two million ‘unaffordable homes’.
H/T DML
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Little Johnny....
For his birthday, little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.'
The next day the father saw little Johnny heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'
Little Johnny told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no Fucking bike!'
H/T 45 Govt
Quotes from will Rogers.....
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman... neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral:
When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
H/T Shelly
F1 Totty....
Jenson Button wins Australian Grand Prix as Brawn GP claim one-two. A great result for the team's first outing.
'Oi! Where the f**k do you think you are going?'
H/T DML
This is their Display from the 1999 Royal Tournament. This is a must see for those of you who have not seen or heard of them. I am not sure the US has a similar display team.
While we are at it meet The Kings Troop Royal Horse Artillery.....
And it would not be complete without the Royal Navy's Field Gun Race. I worked on two Royal Tournaments and never got bored of watching these races. Many of our US readers will have never seen this before.
The Ultimate Blogging Accessory.....
Personally I would have a Lay-Z-Boy instead of that recliner thing. 
More Here
H/T DML
Some one-liners concerning the current mess we are in!
1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building standing. Its called the stock market.
2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Walmart Street.
3. The difference between a pigeon and an investment banker. The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW.
4. What's the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas and an investment banker? A tie!
5. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left side nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left.
6. I want to warn people from Nigeria. If you get any emails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall for it.
7. What worries me most about the credit crunch, is that if one of my checks is returned stamped 'insufficient funds,' I won't know whether that refers to mine or
the bank's.
H/T Peter Gunn
The Sunday Best......
Blue movies on expenses: How Jacqui Smith's husband watched pornographic movies... paid for by the taxpayer. Sadly she lacks the honour to resign. The scandal over her second house finance should have finished her.
'We were told: Go and spend it, boys,' says MP who claimed £310,000 for his holiday home. MPs should get a salary and nothing more.
Only five of England's 44 bishops want the bells to ring out on St George's Day. Sack the 39, and replace them. The Church of England is infested with limp-wristed liberals.
Police are being crippled by targets, says hard hitting report by 'Robocop' Mallon. And I thought it was all the donuts.
Revealed: The law firm which earns £11m in a year ... fighting the NHS. Ridiculous.
Now we need ID cards for a trip to the Isle of Wight. Soon you will nedd ID to leave the house.
Disloyalty. Humiliation. The week that Brown's grand vision was brutally shattered. He is totally finished.
WILLIAM REES-MOGG: Demolished by one man and his blog. Hannan's destruction of Brown.
G20 summit: blow for Gordon Brown as £1.4 trillion spending blueprint is leaked. How much!
Government advertisements run 10,000 times a day. How much it is costing and how many of the ad agencies are Labout donors?
Pakistan intelligence agency elements must stop support for Taliban, al-Qaeda: US. Fat chance.
Barack Obama's team prepare etiquette and gifts for President's meeting with Queen. If he gives her a DVD of 'The Queen' she will set the corgis on him.
Al-Qaeda's spreading tentacles in West Africa opposed by traditional leaders. It's a start.
Only a united front at the London G20 can save the world from ruin. 'United' is being a tad optimistic.
Spy chiefs fear Chinese cyber attack. Why are Chinese companies being allowed access to such projects?
G20 protesters face police with Tasers. This could be fun.
British two-ton ‘Dragon gun’ terrifies Taliban. Amazing. Don't mess with the Marines.
US and Iran open Afghanistan peace talks. Nothing good will come from this.
Iran missile experts in North Korea 'to help with rocket launch'. Iran are back to playing silly buggers. Obama's sucking up to them is going to backfire big time.
Obama tries to halt a ticking time-bomb. Too late.
Sudan: Strike obliterates Iranian ship at sea. Glad someone is keeping watch.
Canada says will defend its Arctic. And we must help.
the Clarkypoos bit......
Stand still, wimp – only failures run off to be expats.
Corporal Punishment and the Mazda6 2.2 five-door Sport Diesel.
not forgetting little Jimmy May....
Taming the tough times
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Saturday, 28 March 2009
Saturday Night is Bath Night.....
There could be a lot of posts tommorrow as I have over 200 emails backed up.
FIREARMS FOR LIBERALS
It has been discovered that Republicans secretly inserted new gun control laws into the stimulus package. The gun dealer must inquire as to whether the buyer voted for Obama and if so, must sell him the new gun for liberals . . .
They anticipate great success in states like New Hampshire, Connecticut, New York, Massachusetts and parts of California.
H/T Stormbringer
Video: Lego Silence of the Lambs: Put the F-ing Lotion in the Basket
Caution: Language. But it is bloody clever.
H/T Pete H
Comparing Obama-Lincoln.....by Rico
Another GREAT comparison of OBAMA and LINCOLN.
Sure doesn't sound anything like the hopey-changeytude emanating from the Messiah's orifice on a daily basis to me.....
Kicking us while we're down.......by Rico
Billary's BEST FRIEND in the world (after themselves, of course) CHINA, is certainly NOT missing the chance to kick us while we're down....but without the sympathetic "I feel your pain" remark, and a bit too much glee in their kicks that clearly say "I sure hope THIS really hurts!"
Beijing's Governor of the People's Bank of China ZHOU Xiaochuan, taking full advantage of the "Kick Me" signs Obama-Geithner-Bernanke seem to be wearing proposes that we need a new world reserve currency and that some Central Banks give up control over their reserves and operations to a "Global" currency/unit/fund (managed by the IMF? the UN?).
This from the MOST secretive and non-transparent bankers in the world (the Swiss can only envy the Chinese here)!
Well......if George Soros and the Useless Nitwits like the idea, it must indeed be VERY BAD NEWS for the likes of you and I.
Top holders of US debt:
I'm not completely unsympathetic to Chinese 'concerns' over holding so much US Gov't debt and their doubts about the future of the US dollar (being paid back in devalued dollars, or being paid back at all), especially considering that the US Government "owes" itself roughly $4.806 trillion (swapping the immortal Wimpy's "I'll gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today" routine for Obama's metrosexual "I'll gladly repay you someday for more money today"), followed by the Chinese with roughly $1.4 trillion. These numbers are climbing.
I'd seriously consider suggesting that we join the Fwench in the EU like Bulgaria and Romania did in 2007, BUT WITH THE OBAMA BUDGET WE DO NOT QUALIFY FOR EU MEMBERSHIP!!!!!
They require a national budget deficit less than 3% and a national debt less than 60% of GDP. We aren't even close.
So THANKS TEAM OBAMA for yet more hope and change!!!!! In less than 100 days you have made America as ineligible for membership in the EU as Albania! THAT'S CHANGE WE CAN BELIEVE IN!!!
- I wonder if we can get Zimbabwe to 'adopt' us now?
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Jenson's Pole Sitter!
Jensen Button secures pole position for Australian GP as Lewis Hamilton flops. The most exciting grid for years.
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Video: Local News Birthday Wishes Failure......
...once they start they can't stop even as they realise the names are bogus.
Local News Birthday Wishes Failure - Watch more Funny Videos
News.....
Immigrant Minority Persecuted......by the Swiss! Jules finds all the good stories.
Two hundred British schoolchildren identified as potential terrorists. Deport the teachers responsible.
'Holy Mary, Help Us in Our Hour of Need!'. Bloody hell.
We're not handing over the Falklands: Brown's vow as he meets Argentinian leader. No s**t.
As the rest of Britain fights for its financial life, teachers demand a four-day week AND 10% pay rise. Due to the appalling state of British education most of them should be sacked.
Why shouting at your children is as bad as smacking them. Oh for f**ks sake.
Queen is not amused by Brown's Royal succession plan. Nobody is amused by Brown.
British engineer blows away land speed record for wind-powered vehicles after 10-year quest. Cool.
This is an earlier video of it.
Time for the Tories to get horrible. Not sure they have it in them.
G20 summit: Thousands to protest in London. This should go tits up.
MoD criticised for building abandoned 'super hangar'. The MoD are bloody useless.
Hunt for war criminal Ratko Mladic stretches to Kenyan beach. So does the hunt for Obama's birth certificate.
Russia sets up military force in Arctic claim. The Canadians may need some help.
Britain opens new embassy in Zimbabwe. For that money we could have sent the Paras on a long weekend break to Zim and got rid of Mugabe.
Thailand will not try pirates who killed British man for murder. Then the British should stop going there.
British soldiers victims of a mental conflict without end. A disgrace. Our troops deserve far better treatment.
Barack Obama offers new strategy to tame Pakistan. He had better up the defence budget.
Is there any gold inside Fort Knox, the world's most secure vault? No one seems to have checked.
Treasury reserves will have to be raided to fund Afghan surge. Stop wasting money on bent bankers and increase the defence budget.
Grade inflation gone wild. Drinking raises grades!!
the Clarkypoos Bit......
I learnt a lot at school but not from a teacher.
