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H/T Shelly
Monday, 6 April 2009
More Mensa Funnies....
Here are the winners of this year's Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which, once again, asked readers to take any word from the dictionary,alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who is both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which
lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people
that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web..
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
H/T Shelly
Sunday, 5 April 2009
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Naval Student....
A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.
"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?" asked the captain.
"Throw out an anchor, sir." replied the naval student.
"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?" asked the captain.
"Throw out another anchor, sir." answered the student.
"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?" asked the captain.
"Throw out another anchor." replied the student.
"Hold on," said the Captain. "Where are you getting all your anchors from?"
The naval student replied, "From the same place you're getting all of your storms, sir."
H/T DML
TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOUR HEALTH INSURANCE HAS CHANGED TO A CHEAPER HEALTH CARE PLAN
(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.
(9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."
(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
(6) The only item listed under Preventive Care Coverage is "an apple a day..."
(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not a typographical error.
(3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."
(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.
AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED A VERY CHEAP HEALTH CARE PLAN:
(1) You ask for Viagra and they give you a Popsicle stick and Duct Tape.
H/T Old Dude
Not that is a 'houseboat'....
1916. "U.S.S. Franklin, used as training ship. Admiral Farragut's flagship
H/T Nebraska Bob
New lyrics........from Rico
Our very own TOTUS has inspired NEW LYRICS to an old venerable tune. Instead of "Hail to the Chief" we can ALL now sing "Hail to the Thief!"
It's appropriate, and actually fits the situation quite well...
Quote.....
"Nobody knows the age of the human race, but everybody agrees that it is old enough to know better." - Anon
H/T DML
The Sunday Best....
Royal Show to be last in its 160-year history. A Sad day for British agriculture.
Three homes Hoon: Iraq war Minister claimed expenses on one home, rented out second ... and lived in third for free. Another crook.
MPs slammed for going on a £70,000 trip to New Zealand...to investigate binge-drinking. Make them repay the money.
MPs 'not trusted' to review their own pay and expenses. They can't be trusted on anything.
Social workers said because I was a soldier, I was more likely to be violent to my own children. Sack the social workers.
Top British judge accuses Human Rights Court of creating ‘federal law of Europe’. We should quit it. We do not need 'human rights' legislation.
REVEALED: How Navy let 99 sailors die to avoid damaging stricken sub. A tragety.
Cartoon strip aimed at under-12s depicts Christian boy as Islamaphobe thug. Revoke their charitable status.
The Wider View: British supercar that's known as the fastest kettle in the world. But does it make tea?
White House apologises after calls to Hillary Clinton were redirected to a sex line. Was it Monica?
North Korea launches missile in 'satellite test'. And no one shot it down.
Nato accused of failures in Afghanistan by head of Britain's Armed Forces. As usual the Anglosphere is doing most of the work.
Hugo Chavez says relations with US unlikely to get better. With his commie chum Obama.
All that G20 pomp will never impress the voters. It didn't fool anyone. It was an expensive joke.
Alistair Darling: I was wrong on recession. So resign.
Gordon Brown’s gang pulls a $1 trillion con trick. And the liberals have bought it.
Runaway scooter carries off woman. WTF! (H/T JMH)
MoD reveals nuclear sub incidents. It's like bloody dodgems down there.
'Lap dancing nun' to perform for cardinals and bishops. What fun.
a bit of Clarkypoos
Fiat Qubo.
and little Jimmy May on Garages
and finally....
Vietnam Marine Receives Silver Star 42 Years Later. (H/T Stormbringer)
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C.O.T.U.S..........by Rico
The COTUS (Commissar of the US) ...you know him, the "yes, we can" (si, se puede) asshole that won the election thanks to a critical mass of SOROS megabucks, ACORN criminal voter fraud, white-librul "guilt" and 52% of the electorate being too stupid to breathe (but able to breed). Yeah, THAT guy.
HE HAS A PLAN.
White is the new black. Given that ALL typical white people are racists, the objective of Team Obama is to cater to certain people by granting lavish benefits at great burden to the working stiff [read: taxpayer]. They will be educated to the exclusion of those with more ability, and given preference in employment to the exclusion of those with skills, talent, and aptitude.
Wondrous plan, that. Worked a treat in Zimbabwe (formerly Rhodesia), just take a look!
BOTTOM LINE: You ofay chuck mofo's CAN NEVER PAY ENOUGH in real money to pay for the intangible priveleges of being white.....naw, that IS racist...let's say for being CAPABLE (as in, having ability-motivation-drive, race/color/creed is not germane unless you're a COMMUNIST talking out of your ass).
And I seem to have mis-placed the family plantation.
Oh.
We never HAD one...
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WHY ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REGULAR JOBS..
1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."
2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (now that is beautiful)
7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State footb all coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height."And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."
8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton ."
9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above is locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."
11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)
12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former pl ayer: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
14 Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."
H/T Ted
Saturday, 4 April 2009
"Speshul" all right...last remarks re: G-20.........by Rico
These idiots are "speshul" all right. Yes, I mean the G-20 attendees, the press, and all of those morons responsible for electing them instead of impeaching and/or hanging them for crimes against humanity.
A last blast...er, comment regarding the WEALTH REDISTRIBUTION SCAM they foisted upon us. Yeah, that $ trillion dollars to the IMF I gassed-on about yesterday. It relates to the SDR (special drawing rights) scam discussed.
SDR's as a world reserve currency has ALL THE TEXTURE, STICKINESS, AND STENCH OF A REDISTRIBUTION SCAM.
It is fiat money printed on a global scale, shared among ALL members of the IMF (some of the world's crummiest regimes).
The SDR consists ONLY of USD, GBP, EUR, and JPY...so you can see whose citizens pay the cost of their currencies being diluted and debased as the truly crap countries cash-in their new SDR's.
- International financial scofflaw Argentina gets over $2 bn worth of SDR's.
- Nigeria will get a similar amount (look for their world-renowned e-mail scammers/phishers to start dangling SDR-related bait to the ready-to-be-fleeced soon).
- Syria gets $350 million to protect Hexbollah from devaluation that is driving up the local currency price of Semtex.
WORSHIP OBAMA! (...the stuttering idiot) AREN'T YOU GLAD HE RODE TO THE RESCUE AT THE G-20!
The Ultimate Par 3.....
This par 3 is in South Africa.
The green is shaped like the African continent and completely surrounded by a sea of sand. You hit off a cliff over 1,400 feet above the hole and it takes 26 seconds for your ball to land.
You have to take a helicopter to get to the hole. They post spotters around the green to let you know where your ball lands because you can't possibly see it.
Padraig Harrington is the only person to ever par it. He did it in a playoff after a recent tournament there. It is the 19th hole and only used for playoffs.
Watch him do it with a sandy.
H/T Shelly
MORE HERE
Teaser.....
Count them and wait!
Count them again after the picture has changed . .
This will drive you crazy!
WHERE DOES THE EXTRA MAN COME FROM? don't ask me;
H/T Shelly
Headlines from the G20.....
Trillion dollar bail out issued on RBS cheque.
Trillion dollar rescue package under threat as world leaders unable to agree how many zeros to put on cheque
World leaders just wish Obama ‘wouldn’t keep touching them that way’.
H/T DML
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