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Monday, 17 March 2008
HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Florexico.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States.
Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
Florexico voters still having trouble with voting machines.
H/T Thomas Struckmeyer
Sunday, 16 March 2008
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Honey Grog ....
4 cups cider or apple juice
juice of one orange
1/4 cup honey
2 tbsp butter or margarine
1 cinnamon stick, 3 inches long
1 tsp grated orange peel
1/4 tsp ground nutmeg
3/4 cup light rum
Combine all ingredients except rum in a medium saucepan and bring to a simmer, stirring occasionally.
Simmer 5 minutes.
Stir in rum just before serving, if desired.
H/T Pete Hurrell
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on turning off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator!!!! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic. 'You impotent bastard,' She screamed at him, 'how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!'
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
'I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids.'
H/T Peter Gunn
Almost seven years ago I sat, as did millions of other Americans, and watched as our government underwent a peaceful transition of power.
At first, I felt a swell of pride and patriotism as I watched George W. Bush take his oath of office. However, all that pride quickly vanished as I later watched the Clintons board Air Force One for the last time.
I saw 21 Marines, in full dress uniform with rifles, fire a 21-gun salute to the outgoing President and first lady. It was then that I realized how far America 's military had deteriorated under the Clinton administration.
Every last one of them missed....
H/T Thomas Harris
The Sunday Best...
Queen furious with Gordon Brown after she was not consulted on plans for patriotic oath. Off with his head!!
Gun injuries soar as police 'experts' blast themselves and colleagues by mistake. Give us the guns to defend ourselves.
Russian 'Jackal accused of planning to assassinate Putin and Medvedev'. Pity someone stopped him. Deport him to the UK he could come in handy.
Tories would 'save up' tax cuts. Who is this wanker Philip Hammond? Another 'Clueless Conservative Clot'.
Anger as Labour's 'petty vandals' strip Black Rod of half his powers. Time for the Army to 'strip' the government of their powers.
Cult blogger Civil Serf identified and suspended from Whitehall. Methinks the gov doesn't like bloggers.
Army unveils all-terrain 'Pitbull'. Unveiling is not quite the same as deploying. And why tell the Taleban they are coming it will give them time to come up with some nasty surprises. Once again the MOD jeopardise our boys safety in exchange for spin.
Iran celebrates election by ending nuclear talks. Let's go back to plan A. Nuke the bastards.
McCain wants rethink of UK Afghanistan policy. We have an Afghanistan policy!!
Support for Labour hits 25-year low. Boot the scum out.
TA to expel soldiers who won’t go to war. What about all those REMFs sitting behind nice safe desks in Whitehall. Send them out. They need the exercise.
Fears of another Tiananmen as Tibet explodes in hatred. Time to shut out China.
Join me in a saucy oath to Britain. Clarkypoos on Britishness and Renault Laguna Sport Tourer Dynamique
and finally...
Ten ways to get kicked off a plane
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Spitzer tossed
Eliot Spitzer was ousted from his synagogue.
His rabbi was able to overlook his personal indiscretions and his betrayal of the public trust - but he could not forgive him for buying retail.
H/T Shelly
Saturday, 15 March 2008
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A Definition of Spin!!
An Israeli tourist in the USA is visiting the Bronx zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The Israeli runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the Israeli brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the Israeli, says "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life."
"Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right."
" Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know,
and tomorrow's newspaper will have this on the first page. Where do you come
from?"
"I am on vacation from Israel."
The journalist leaves. The following morning the Israeli buys the newspaper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions and reads, on first page:
TOURIST FROM ISRAEL ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.
H/T Judith S
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Understanding Engineers
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
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Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
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What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.
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Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. the nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through arecreational area?"
H/T Shelly
Fairey Rotodyne....1950's technology. The forerunner to the Osprey.
Another great British invention that was abandoned. And you wonder why our industry is dead!!
More details at it's Wikipedia page
News..
The MPs' goldmine: They work just 13 years to get a pension it would take you 62 years to get. MPs should not be paid. They should do it for the love of their country. Political service should be an honour not an effing meal tickets for the dishonest and dishonourable scum that infest British politics.
High-Level al-Qaida Figure Is Captured. Wire his danglies to the mains until he gives up Bin Liner!
Beware Commies in Fairtrade jerseys. Clarkypoos on the Commie rabble that are still out there.
Paramedic sues elderly couple after twisting ankle on front step during emergency call. Stephen Canning should be sacked immeadiately. Scrounging scumbag.
Attacks on staff and pupils, false allegations and death threats: The crimes of Britain's 32 worst pupils (who were still allowed back into classrooms). Send them to Afghanistan!
Inside the amazing cave city that housed 25,000 Allied troops under German noses in WWI. Damn clever us British chaps.
Coroner: Radio would have saved SAS captain. So who's head is going to roll. No ones. The MOD will continue to kill our troops with complete abandon until someone shut's them down.
China unleashes guns and tear gas as Tibet protests turn violent. Stop buying crap with Made in China on it. Thee are plenty of other countries making the stuff we need.
Iran's call to vote ignored by millions. Who can blame them. They only had the choice of Islamonazis or Islamoloonies!! Democracy didn't enter into it.
James May: Time for a new watch. Dash-mounted stopwatches, chronograph wristwatches, macho timepieces... do we really need them?
I fought for my land against the US. Now I fight alongside them. Took him long enough to work out we are the good guys.
The race to the off-licence gets under way as drinkers run to beat the Budget. Darling hasn't got a clue. Britain's economy is wrecked beyond recovery.
For sale: mansions, towns and shooting ranges. Please call: Russia's army. Who would want to live in Putin's Russia?
Priest hurt in faith-hate attack. Find them, Hang them.
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John Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6am.
While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA)was perking, he shaved with his electric razor(MADE IN HONG KONG).He put on a dress shirt(MADE IN SRI LANKA),designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE)and tennis shoes(MADE IN KOREA).
After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet(MADE IN INDIA)he sat down with his calculator(MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch(MADE IN TAIWAN)to the radio(MADE IN INDIA)he got in his car(MADE IN GERMANY)filled it with GAS(from Saudi Arabia)and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.
At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his Computer(MADE IN MALAYSIA),Joe decided to relax for a while.
He put on his sandals(MADE IN BRAZIL)poured himself a glass of wine(MADE IN FRANCE)
and turned on his TV(MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA .
H/T Don Emslie
Friday, 14 March 2008
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