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Tuesday, 2 December 2008
Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.
Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.
About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says,
"Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"
Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please... just one more time before I die."
She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep.
Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours.
Do you think we could..."
At this point the wife sits up and says,
"Listen Morris, I have to get up in the morning... you don't."
H/T Rodney
Monday, 1 December 2008
Urgent:
USMC Wants You. A great cause needs your help.
Anyone who knows of similar schemes in the US/UK or anywhere else drop me a line and I will promote it. It must be genuine as I am sure they will be. Also anyone wanting to promote a parcels for the troops etc send the details and we will see if we can help.
The Boring Stat Pron...
In November we had...
51,315 Absolutely Unique visitors
130,362 Visits
and 282,087 Page Views.
Not bad for a Norfolk Peasant. Although I couldn't do it without the Team who are just amazing.
Signalman Job Interview..
Gary wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector puts this question to him: “What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?”
Gary says, “I would switch the points for one of the trains.”
“What if the lever broke?” asked the inspector.
“Then I’d dash down out of the signal box,” said Gary, “and I’d use the manual lever over there.”
“What if that had been struck by lightning?”
“Then,” Gary continues, “I’d run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box.”
“What if the phone was engaged?”
“Well in that case,” persevered Gary, “I’d rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there.”
“What if that was vandalized?”
“Oh well, then I’d run into town and get my uncle Bill.”
This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, “Why would you do that?”
“Because he’s never seen a train crash.”
H/T DML
44 US Presidents - George Washington to Barack Obama
44 US Presidents from George Washington to Barack Obama morphed to the music Boléro by Ravel.
H/T Old Dude
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The Lads are going to DC.....
.....ok so we are anti-Obama. However we do support 'The Corrigans' and their great song,'There's no-one as Irish as Barack Obama'. I you haven't heard it yet it's in the sidebar.
Click to enlarge.
News...
Britain thinking of joining euro. Don't f**king bet on it. ((H/T Matt)
Bollywood rises up from Tim Blair.
What DID Jacqui Smith know? Now even the Cabinet turns on Home Secretary over Tory MP arrest fiasco. God she is a dishonest cow. She is incapable of telling the truth.
Arrest...or assault? Judge's disgust after soldier is held down and hit EIGHT times. Sack the Plod responsible. Of course nothing will happen they are protected by their chums at the Lodge.
Welcome to Soviet Britain: The Labour heartlands where figures reveal that half the population relies on the state for a job. Buying votes with jobs. We should sack all non essential public employees they are a massive drain on government funds. The money could be better spent.
Union chief 'demanded £100,000' to leave grace-and-favour London flat. There is nothing greedier than a union pig.
Pentagon hires British scientist to help build robot soldiers. Robo-wars are coming.
40,000 die every year after hospital blunders, MPs are told. Welcome to 'universal health care'. Private healthcare must be made tax deductable so that those in work or with pensions can have the chance to opt out of the NHS.
Zimbabwe's cholera epidemic hits 10,000. No-one will help until it is over a million or 2. The Western Governments doesn't give a crap and should be ashamed of it.
Britain's 'curry king' calls for 10-year block on new immigrants. Raise the drawbridge and start shipping out the undesirables and sod their human rights.
Mumbai attacks - city fears five terrorists are 'missing'. Sadly they will re-appear.
Promotion for PC Angela Cornes who ignored victim Banaz Mahmod. Another useless bloody copper. Is there any form of intelligence required to be a policeman. There used to be good cops out there. Since Labour came to power they all seem to be either ignorant thugs or imcompetant layabouts. The British people deserve better from the police.
Nato plays it cool over Georgia and Ukraine. Which translated means 'we surrender'. Putin's bully-boy tactics seem to be working.
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Sunday, 30 November 2008
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Oh for f**ks sake....
Three fire engines called to remove Santa hat from Cambridge college roof.
See them in action here..
H/T DML
Improve your sales techniques.....
“Presenter Jeremy Jacobs will be holding his Seminar, Communicate With Clarity (which is all about telephone marketing), this Tuesday, December 2nd at Barnet Football Club”
You can contact his organizing team by e-mail events@communicatewithclarity.co.uk or call +44(0)8453 313171
For more details on the event go to http://www.communicatewithclarity.co.uk
Ireland declares war on France......
The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
"Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!" a heavily accented voice says. "This is Paddy down at the Hogshead Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you Frenchies!"
"Well, Paddy," the President replies, "This is indeed important news! How big might your army be?"
"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me brother Seamus, me other brother Sean, me next door neighbor Flaherty, and the entire darts team from down the pub. That makes eight!"
The President laughs and replies, "Paddy, you should know that I have 400,000 highly-trained and well-equipped soldiers in my army."
"Begorra!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back..."
Sure enough, two hours later Paddy calls again. "Frenchie, the War is still on. We have managed to get ourselves some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" the President asks.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Sarkozy sighs, amused. "Paddy, I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. And since you have last called, we have recruited an additional 10,000 soldiers, bringing the total to 410,000."
"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Froggie, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well, so we are 12 men now!"
After a moment, the President clears his throat. "Paddy, I have 100 bombers and 250 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, my army has grown to 450,000 men."
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "Let me talk to me mates."
That afternoon, the President's phone rings once again. "Mr. President," states Paddy "I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."
"Really?" asks the President. "I'm sorry to hear that. Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and have come to the sad conclusion that there's no fookin' way that we can feed 450,000 French prisoners of war."
H/T Canis 61
I knew it, I knew it !!! I knew they would finally release the ingredients in Viagra:
3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% Fix-A-Flat
H/T Peter Gunn
The Sunday Best....
Marine rugby-tackles suicide bomber. Stick him in the English Rugby Squad.
Game beware: it's the return of the poacher. Shoot them, 'cos the police won't get out of bed to help.
Porn bill for couple who can't download. Dodgy lawyers with a dodgy scam.
Why are The British Creating So Many Muslim Terrorists? from The Elephant Bar.
Police accused of using phone calls from Home Office mole in bid to entrap Shadow Minister. A dirty trick from a corrupt and power crazy government.
How Ministers on £138,000 a year dodge Darling's new 45 per cent top tax rate. As I predicted. These socialist scum are beneath contempt.
As Labour fears a spy in the Treasury, outraged MPs threaten to hijack the Queen’s Speech. Boot the pig out.
Mumbai attacks: India raises security footing to 'war level'. Pakistan should tread very carefully.
Mugabe regime arrests soldiers amid fears of pay revolt. His days are numbered if he loses the support of the army. Is a coup imminent?
Britain tries to block France from 'U-turn' on farm subsidies deal. Farm subsides should go. Politicians have no business telling farmers what they can do.
In pictures: 20 of the world's most dangerous places. Includes all the 'usual suspects'.
Met left reeling after raid on MP branded 'Mugabe-style overkill'. The Met have become too beholden to their political masters. The need to re-establish their independence or lose what little public support they have left.
Quangos spend £10m seeking more money. All quangos should be shut down. They are a waste of taxpayers money and are used as a political 'jobs for the boys' scheme.
Pakistan threatens West over India standoff. Pakistan's nukes need to be neutralised. The country is too unstable to be allowed to have them.
Bin Laden-inspired group wants Asian caliphate. More Islamoloonies. They are getting everywhere.
‘In with a bang’ Obama dismays the faithful. All spin and no substance. The liberal media continue to give Obama a free ride.
President-elect Barack Obama proposes economic suicide for US. He hasn't a clue.
Let Bombay remind us: they haven't gone away. And there are thousands of them in our midst. It is not if but when we get hit again.
Chasm between the two Britains is laid bare. Labour has destroyed Britain. We may never recover.
Clarkypoos road test...
Ford Fiesta Titanium 1.6
May's law of accidents. Can mathematics stop you bumping into things?
and finally a couple of articles by Alan Caruba.
The UN Celebrates "Palestinians", Hates Jews.
The Religion of Peace Strikes Again.
Stormbringer on the Mumbai Attacks......
'I caution our brethren in the community not to underestimate these forces and whoever is behind them. Despite the fact that their plan contained many moving parts it was brilliant in it's simplicity and the ability of the assault elements to successfully engage several specific targets simultaeneously.
In analyzing the terrorist operation; it is significant that they first hit the Colaba police station - possibly as a single unit - and killed the Chief of Mumbai's anti-terrorist squad plus two other senior officials. These actions served as diversions to delay the police response.
Ultimately, a platoon-sized terrorist force was able to overcome the crews of two ships at sea and hijack them, land, then break up into dedicated teams and move toward and attack 10 separate objectives (including the police station). Their targets were places where foreigners are known to congregate: the Taj Mahal and Trident hotels, the orthodox Jewish center, the Cama hospital, the CSP train station, a cinema, and a cafe. They were able to hit all targets practically simultaneously. In addition two taxis were blown up near the airport in the north and the docks in the southern part of the city.
What is particularly disturbing is the striking military theme of the terrorist attacks - the overall plan was completely in accordance with the philosophy behind our own conventional military doctrine i.e. "MOOSEMUSS" - Mass / Objective / Offensive / Simplicity / Economy of Effort / Maneuver / Unity of Command / Surprise / Security. The only aspect of this operation that differentiates it from our own is the fact that it was a one-way suicide mission - there was no apparent intent to withdraw and exfiltrate.
Two other aspects of this incident are disturbing; if indeed al Qaeda or a sympathetic movement is behind this operation it is the first time they have engaged multiple targets with seperate elements outside of a full-on combat zone (i.e. Iraq or Afghanistan) and it is also the first time in the course of the Kashmir-related violence that mass groups of Westerners were sought and singled out as targets.
The terrorist leadership has no doubt taken notice of the effectiveness of this low-tech approach. Such a mission could easily be carried out on any continent, to include North America. Short of a "backpack nuke" scenario, we will probably never again see an operation as sophisticated as the 9/11 plot. On the other hand, we now have every reason to expect terrorist attacks on our own soil, inspired by what happened this week in Mumbai.
That the Mumbai attacks were significant on several different levels is the armchair tactician's take . . . but on a more sinister level there is agreement within my community that this particular raid (the Mumbai attacks) were not what they appear to be, i.e. ". . . an operation in disguise as another . . ."
This is BRILLIANT of course. . . the concept that the entire operation was either some kind of capabilities exercise / rehearsal a la the Dieppe Raid . . . or it was a diversion in itself; " . . . a practice run for a larger attack planned for elsewhere . . ."
WHATEVER it was at this time we MUST assume that ". . . in some cave they're doing AARs (After Action Reviews) on it all, viewing film clips and tweaking the model . . ."
One lesson my fellow Veterans & I must take from this incident: from this point on, we go nowhere unarmed.'
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