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Wednesday, 24 December 2008
Light News...
Ay Caramba! Mexican beauty queen caught in an SUV full of suspected gangbangers.
Local teens claim pranks on county's Speed Cams. This could catch on.
Probe into cosmetic surgeon who 'powered his 4x4 with his patients' excess flab'. Now that is different.
Firefighters told to take down their Christmas lights ... because they're a 'fire hazard'. Oh for f**ks sake.
UK economy suffers its biggest slump for 18 years. Nothing like scaring the crap out of people.
Is there nothing that can be done to free Zimbabwe of Robert Mugabe? Try a bullet.
Public buildings ranked among worst carbon emitters. And they lecture us.
Parents of airmen killed in Nimrod crash in legal battle with Defence Secretary. About time the MoD were held to account for their constant failings.
Plum pudding for one: solitary colonel who flies flag for Britain in far-off land. Poor sod.
The Ghost of Christmas presents....
Dearest Father Christmas, have you had a pleasant year?
You must be getting busy now that time is nearly here
I thought I'd write a letter (which I never norm'ly do)
In the hope that you can help me out and make my dreams come true
I don't want to sound ungrateful for your efforts all these years
But your choice of pressies sometimes left me fighting off the tears.
So this year, Father Christmas, when you pick the gift for me,
Can you please leave something vaguely useful underneath my tree?
So for example Santa Claus, I'll take the chance to warn
That I'd never wear an aftershave named Thrust or Ram or Horn
And when I see, beneath the tree, a shiny ribboned box
I don't expect the contents to be pink and yellow socks.
Or a car wash kit with chamois, wax and stuff to make it glisten,
And what the hell's with talcum powder? Don't you ever listen?
A pair of pants. That's super, thanks I'll nip upstairs and try 'em
(If I'd needed sodding underpants, don't you think I'd buy 'em?)
And another thing now Santa, could you maybe tell me why
You think I'd make a good impression in a Homer Simpson tie?
Or be pleased with cufflinks, handkerchiefs: why ever did you reckon
I was after twenty razor blades as used by David Beckham?
I know you know that JD is my favourite of tipples
Yet my stocking seems to hold a box of "Mini Chocolate Nipples".
And from Waterstones, a little something someone thought was funny:
"The little book of female wisdom." (Waste of fucking money...)
So this year Father Christmas, I'll attempt to make it clear.
I'll accept a crate of Kronenburg (or other premium beer)
A pack of fags would go down well and would avoid my scorn
But Santa, if you're still not sure, just give me loads of porn!
H/T DML
The 12 Days of Christmas Cutbacks....
Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the “Twelve Days of Christmas” subsidiary:
1. The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;
2. Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;
3. The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;
4. The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;
5. The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;
6. The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;
7. The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;
8. As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;
9. Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;
10. Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;
11. Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line;
Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney’s association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (”thirteen lawyers-a-suing”), a decision is pending.
Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
H/T DML
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Tuesday, 23 December 2008
Merry Winter Solstice Holiday!
For my Democrat 'friends':
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. We also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2008, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. And without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishes. By accepting these greetings you are accepting these terms.
This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for herself or himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.
For my Republican friends:
Here’s wishing all of you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
H/T John B
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To all our readers.....
....normal blogging will continue throughout the Holidays. I would personnally like to thank all those who donated to the Christmas Fund and have ensured that it will be a very 'merry' Christmas chez Theo.
Light News....
Police called to 10,000 violent cases in schools in a year. That's what happens when you give up proper discipline. Bring back the cane.
Police failing to investigate 40% of crimes - because they are too hard to solve. No wonder crime is on the increase.
Online retailers prepared for £100m sales blitz with 5million planning to login on Christmas Day. Another nail in the High Street coffin.
Putin's Christmas present for West... a threat to Europe's gas supply, missiles for Iran and law to let him be president again. The guy is a bloody nutter.
Brown bounce over, new poll shows. The sooner we get rid of him the better.
Families to be warned by text message in the event of a nuclear disaster. If they are that close methinks they may have already noticed.
Soldiers beheaded as Mexican drug cartels step up terror to protect $15bn-a-year trade. Mexico is becoming a mess.
East Timor on brink of anarchy admits UN. That's what happens when the UN are involved.
Electric shock: green Prius fails to pay its way. Probably cos it's crap.
US drones kill seven in Pakistan attack. The Taleban are no longer safe in Pakistan.
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Diary of a Snow Shoveler.....
December 8: 6:00 PM.
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9:
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a lovelier place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. I shoveled for the first time in years, felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again what a perfect life.
December 12:
The sun has melted all our lovely snow, such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry; we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14:
Snow, lovely snow! Last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15:
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. I Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels. I stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16:
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17:
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20:
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. That took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. They might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22:
Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt 'til August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel, and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel! Tried to hire Bob, who has a plow on his truck, for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I
think the asshole is lying.
December 23:
Only 2" of snow today, and it warmed up to "0". The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What, is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she's lying.
December 24:
6" more snow. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over everywhere I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the Goddamn snowplow.
December 25:
Merry F#@%**>! Christmas. 20 more inches of the "@!#%&***"slop tonight. We are snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the
microwave.
December 26:
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea.
She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27:
Temperature dropped to -30, and the pipes froze. Plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him; he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.
December 28:
Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!!!
December 29:
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30:
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver. He is now suing me for a million dollars; not for only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his a$$. The wife went home to her mother. 9 more inches of snow predicted.
December 31:
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8:
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.
Why am I tied to the bed?
H/T Nebraska Bob
Monday, 22 December 2008
Child care in the Uk.....is a shambles!
this is what happens when you allow a bunch of do-gooding effing liberals to care for your society. Parents (who are actually married) create a good family not these bloody single mothers who live off the state, who every time they want a 'payrise' have another baby.
Council 'lost information about vulnerable children'
New Haringey head was in charge in problem neighbouring council
H/T DML
US v The Rest......
..my personal view but the US cars have the edge in style. 2005_r44.jpg)
..there again I think that the 1970/80s Aston Martin Vantage is the sexiest thing on 4 wheels.
Why doesn't Ford sell the Mondeo in the US?
the Fusion on the left is basically the same car as the Mondeo on the right. Which one do you prefer? PS There is still a waiting list for the F 150 pick up. There again I would by a Mustang tomorrow if they were sold over here and if I had the cash.
H/t Pete Hurrell
Video of the Season: A Soldier's Christmas......
...we posted this poem a while ago. This is a stunning video version and must be seen.
H/T Guidons who has a great blog.
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