A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone.
She approached him. 'My name is Carmen,' she told him.
'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?'
'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men.....What's your name?' she asked.
He said, 'B. J. Titsengolf'
H/T DML
Friday, 2 January 2009
An Oldie: All in a name.....
Light News...
Trusting shopkeeper keeps store open on day off... and leaves customers a note and honesty box. Great, sadly now that everybody knows the story he won't be able to do it again 'cos very crook in the district will be waiting for the opportunity to clear him out.
How benefits make parents better off if they decide to split. Disgusting. The freaks, fairies and fantasists who run Labours policies hate the concept of marriage and normal families.
Britain slips down wealth league table, falling below Italy and France. If Brown stays in charge we will soon be below Zimbabwe.
Snorkeller shoots himself in groin with speargun. Bet that hurt!
Hardline Hamas leader killed in air strike on Gaza home. He is not so effing hard now!! The rest of the Hamas leadership will no doubt run away to the safety of Lebanon or Damascus if they haven't already.
Gaza rockets put Israel’s nuclear plant in battle zone. Not if Israel pushes Hamas into the sea it won't.
British Frontier Corps veteran recalls fighting Pashtun tribesmen. You will probably see a similar story in 50 years time as one of today's 'veterans' writes his memoires of the continuing war in Afghanistan.
A new year's resolution: Could we be a little more polite, please? Good Manners are rare these days.
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Photo or painting?
....yes I know it says photo on it, it just looks more like a painting to me.
H/Ts DML & Peter Gunn
Swearing at Work...
Dear Staff
It has been brought to the CEO’s attention that some individuals throughout the organisation have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.
Therefore, a list of 13th of next month New and Innovative “TRY SAYING” phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
1. Try Saying: 'I think you could do with more training'
Instead Of: 'You don’t have a f**king clue, do you?'
2. Try Saying: 'She’s an aggressive go-getter.'
Instead Of: 'She’s a f**king power-crazy bitch'
3. Try Saying: 'Perhaps I can work late'
Instead Of: 'And when the f**k do you expect me to do this?'
4. Try Saying: 'I’m certain that isn’t feasible'
Instead Of: 'F**k off asshole'
5. Try Saying: 'Really?'
Instead Of: 'Well f**k me backwards with a telegraph pole'
6. Try Saying: 'Perhaps you should check with…'
Instead Of: 'Tell someone who gives a f**k.'
7. Try Saying: 'I wasn’t involved in the project.'
Instead Of: 'Not my f**king problem.'
8. Try Saying: 'That’s interesting.'
Instead Of: 'What the f**k?'
9. Try Saying: 'I’m not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale.'
Instead Of: 'No f**king chance mate.'
10.Try Saying: 'It will be tight, but I’ll try to schedule it in'
Instead Of: 'Why the f**k didn’t you tell me that yesterday?'
11.Try Saying: 'He’s not familiar with the issues'
Instead Of: 'He’s got his head up his f**king ass.'
12.Try Saying: 'Excuse me, sir?'
Instead Of: 'Oi, f**k face.'
13.Try Saying: 'Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway'
Instead Of: 'Yeah, who needs f**king holidays anyway.'
H/T DML
Read of the Year.....so far
About. Jules Crittenden's 'autobiography' to date. Someone should snap up the movie rights.
Thursday, 1 January 2009
Theo's Pick of the Blogs for December.......
Pickup Line.....
So this guy walks into a bar and sees this comely, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool. Naturally, he approaches her and says, "Hey there gorgeous, how are you."
Already having a couple of power drinks under her belt she turns around, looks him right in the eye and says, 'Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it.'
Eyes now wide with interest he says "No kidding! I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"
H/T Shelly
Chinese Proverbs.....
Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
H/T DML
Cowboys.....
THREE COWBOYS ARE SITTING AROUND THE CAMPFIRE OUT ON THE LONESOME PRAIRIE; WITH THE BRAVADO FOR WHICH EACH IS FAMOUS, IT IS A NIGHT OF TALL TALES.
THE GUY FROM WYOMING SAYS, 'I MUST BE THE STRONGEST, MEANEST, TOUGHEST COWBOY THERE IS. WHY, JUST THE OTHER DAY, A BULL GOT LOOSE IN THE CORRAL. IT HAD GORED SIX MEN BEFORE I WRESTLED IT TO THE GROUND BY THE HORNS WITH MY BARE HANDS AND CASTRATED THAT SUCKER WITH MY TEETH.'
THE GUY FROM COLORADO COULDN'T STAND TO BE BESTED. THAT'S NOTHING, 'I WAS WALKING DOWN THE TRAIL YESTERDAY AND A FIFTEEN FOOT DIAMONDBACK RATTLER SLID OUT FROM UNDER A ROCK AND MADE A MOVE FOR ME. I GRABBED THAT BASTARD WITH MY BARE HANDS, BIT ITS HEAD OFF AND SUCKED THE POISON DOWN IN ONE GULP AND DIDN'T EVEN GET A BELLY ACHE.'
THE COWBOY VISITING FROM ALBERTA REMAINED SILENT, SLOWLY STIRRING THE CAMPFIRE COALS WITH HIS PECKER.
H/T Don Emslie
Light News...
He's against the Lisbon Treaty and not keen on the euro... meet the new president of the EU. Woo hoo. This could be the kick up the pants the EU needs.
Police force slammed for spending £10,000 on 'hippie nonsense' head massages for stressed call centre workers. Anyone who has phoned Plod in the last decade will now what a bunch of effing useless braindead civilians are employed in these centres.
Russia cuts Ukraine gas supplies. If we don't back the Ukraine their could be a re-run of Georgia this year.
Israeli military post footage of Gaza attacks on YouTube. That's one way to stick it to the media. this could be the year when the MSM start to lose their 'control' on world events.
Another day, another year, but all change for recently bereaved, dog-owning coastguards. Yet more bullshit regulations that have been foisted upon us without discussion.
Sorry, your bag is in Afghanistan. That's French baggage handlers for you.
New Years resolutions you can really keep...
Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish?
Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point.
1. I want to gain weight — at least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less.
4. Watch more TV. I’ve been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more.
6. Drink. Drink some more.
7. Take up a new habit — maybe smoking.
8. Spend more time at work.
9. Stop bringing lunch from home — I should eat out more.
10. Start being superstitious.
H/T DML
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Wednesday, 31 December 2008
Happy New Year Bedtime Totty.....
...a very Happy New Year to all our readers. 
(Incidentally this is our 7,500th post this year.)
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News....
Fallen Marines to be awarded Navy Cross. True heroes.
This 75p insult: 'Pay rise' for thousands of poor pensioners in care homes leaves them worse off than convicts. A bloody disgrace.
As Britain faces recession Whitehall mandarins lavish £320,000 on plasma TVs, hi-fi equipment and DVD players. Sack the worthless assholes. Not a single government department is run properly.
Primary school brings out DVD to teach pupils how to blow their noses and control sneezes. WTF!
The 'nanny state' guide to giving children of five alcohol. You couldn't make this stuff up.
Hunt on for Igor the runaway beaver who is leaving a trail of destruction throughout Devon. Ahhhh....
Britain faces gas shortage as Putin gives Ukraine until end of today to settle unpaid bill. This is becoming an annual event.
Nato troops cut off in Afghanistan as Pakistan fighting flares. Still not entirely sure whose side Pakistan is on.
Iranian students raid British Embassy residence in Gaza protest. Imadinnerjacket's rent-a-mob.
Ban on topless sunbathing urged for Australian beaches. Cue picture of topless totty on Bondi Beach
Anger over knighthood given to Treasury chief. He should be sacked with full loss of pension etc.
Israel 'rejects 48-hour ceasefire plan for Gaza'. No ceasefire until Hamas is destroyed.
Jules does not need your vote.......
....Best Individual Blog 2008 Finalist. He is building a good tally of non-votes so pop by and become a non-voter.
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