We've got our own troubles, Mr Bear. Clarkypoos looks forward to 2009. (H/T Liz B)
NHS squanders millions on agency staff - with some nurses earning up to £128 an HOUR. The NHS continues to waste public money by the billion.
Whitehall is failing to count the 170,000 extra migrant workers in the UK. When the Israeli's have finished off Hamas maybe they would like to start on Whitehall.
The Blunkett Bobbies who solve just one crime every four years. These glorified traffic wardens are now patrolling Norfolk in police cars. Where did the real plod go?
Residents are warned not to wash as toxic gas hits town in Birmingham. They wash in Birmingham!!!
The new £4.7m school that won't call itself a 'school'... because it has 'negative connotations'. More PC lunacy.
Vaseline tops list of beauty products women just can't live without. Cue spoof ad.....
British Muslims fighting alongside Taliban, commanders claim. Find them, kill them, identify them, then deport their families.
Britain in grip of longest cold snap for 10 years. It's not that cold.
A century after its birth, is the state pension on its last legs? Another reason for Britains pending bankruptcy. Nice idea as long as nobody lives beyond 70.
US servicemen unconvinced by Barack Obama. No s**t. Obama is the military's worst enemy.
Russian warplanes to exercise in Greek airspace. More of Putin's willy waving.
Ministers 'have no idea if soldiers get priority healthcare'. Ministers have no idea, period.
Chancellor Alistair Darling on brink of second bailout for banks. What with? Old Monobrow has emptied Britains coffers..jpg)
Death from above: how Predator is taking its toll on al-Qaeda. They can run but it won't save them.
Saturday, 3 January 2009
News...
Do you ever worry about the NHS at all ? You should -
These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow....
The patient has no previous history of suicides.
Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.
She is numb from her toes down.
While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
H/T DML
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Last year we were read in 195 countries.......
..incidentally the UN only has 192 members. Maybe we should be in charge of 'world peace'.
73% of our readers are in the US/Canada.
December was our best month ever with:
67,842 Absolutely Unique Visitors
150,507 Visits
311,506 Page Views
Friday, 2 January 2009
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Some New Year groaners to cheer up your day.....
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a peach.
10. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
11. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
12. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
13. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
14. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In Feudalism it's your Count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
H/T DML
An Oldie: All in a name.....
A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone.
She approached him. 'My name is Carmen,' she told him.
'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?'
'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men.....What's your name?' she asked.
He said, 'B. J. Titsengolf'
H/T DML
Light News...
Trusting shopkeeper keeps store open on day off... and leaves customers a note and honesty box. Great, sadly now that everybody knows the story he won't be able to do it again 'cos very crook in the district will be waiting for the opportunity to clear him out.
How benefits make parents better off if they decide to split. Disgusting. The freaks, fairies and fantasists who run Labours policies hate the concept of marriage and normal families.
Britain slips down wealth league table, falling below Italy and France. If Brown stays in charge we will soon be below Zimbabwe.
Snorkeller shoots himself in groin with speargun. Bet that hurt!
Hardline Hamas leader killed in air strike on Gaza home. He is not so effing hard now!! The rest of the Hamas leadership will no doubt run away to the safety of Lebanon or Damascus if they haven't already.
Gaza rockets put Israel’s nuclear plant in battle zone. Not if Israel pushes Hamas into the sea it won't.
British Frontier Corps veteran recalls fighting Pashtun tribesmen. You will probably see a similar story in 50 years time as one of today's 'veterans' writes his memoires of the continuing war in Afghanistan.
A new year's resolution: Could we be a little more polite, please? Good Manners are rare these days.
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Photo or painting?
....yes I know it says photo on it, it just looks more like a painting to me.
H/Ts DML & Peter Gunn
Swearing at Work...
Dear Staff
It has been brought to the CEO’s attention that some individuals throughout the organisation have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.
Therefore, a list of 13th of next month New and Innovative “TRY SAYING” phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
1. Try Saying: 'I think you could do with more training'
Instead Of: 'You don’t have a f**king clue, do you?'
2. Try Saying: 'She’s an aggressive go-getter.'
Instead Of: 'She’s a f**king power-crazy bitch'
3. Try Saying: 'Perhaps I can work late'
Instead Of: 'And when the f**k do you expect me to do this?'
4. Try Saying: 'I’m certain that isn’t feasible'
Instead Of: 'F**k off asshole'
5. Try Saying: 'Really?'
Instead Of: 'Well f**k me backwards with a telegraph pole'
6. Try Saying: 'Perhaps you should check with…'
Instead Of: 'Tell someone who gives a f**k.'
7. Try Saying: 'I wasn’t involved in the project.'
Instead Of: 'Not my f**king problem.'
8. Try Saying: 'That’s interesting.'
Instead Of: 'What the f**k?'
9. Try Saying: 'I’m not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale.'
Instead Of: 'No f**king chance mate.'
10.Try Saying: 'It will be tight, but I’ll try to schedule it in'
Instead Of: 'Why the f**k didn’t you tell me that yesterday?'
11.Try Saying: 'He’s not familiar with the issues'
Instead Of: 'He’s got his head up his f**king ass.'
12.Try Saying: 'Excuse me, sir?'
Instead Of: 'Oi, f**k face.'
13.Try Saying: 'Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway'
Instead Of: 'Yeah, who needs f**king holidays anyway.'
H/T DML
Read of the Year.....so far
About. Jules Crittenden's 'autobiography' to date. Someone should snap up the movie rights.
Thursday, 1 January 2009
Theo's Pick of the Blogs for December.......
Pickup Line.....
So this guy walks into a bar and sees this comely, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool. Naturally, he approaches her and says, "Hey there gorgeous, how are you."
Already having a couple of power drinks under her belt she turns around, looks him right in the eye and says, 'Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it.'
Eyes now wide with interest he says "No kidding! I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"
H/T Shelly
Chinese Proverbs.....
Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
H/T DML
Cowboys.....
THREE COWBOYS ARE SITTING AROUND THE CAMPFIRE OUT ON THE LONESOME PRAIRIE; WITH THE BRAVADO FOR WHICH EACH IS FAMOUS, IT IS A NIGHT OF TALL TALES.
THE GUY FROM WYOMING SAYS, 'I MUST BE THE STRONGEST, MEANEST, TOUGHEST COWBOY THERE IS. WHY, JUST THE OTHER DAY, A BULL GOT LOOSE IN THE CORRAL. IT HAD GORED SIX MEN BEFORE I WRESTLED IT TO THE GROUND BY THE HORNS WITH MY BARE HANDS AND CASTRATED THAT SUCKER WITH MY TEETH.'
THE GUY FROM COLORADO COULDN'T STAND TO BE BESTED. THAT'S NOTHING, 'I WAS WALKING DOWN THE TRAIL YESTERDAY AND A FIFTEEN FOOT DIAMONDBACK RATTLER SLID OUT FROM UNDER A ROCK AND MADE A MOVE FOR ME. I GRABBED THAT BASTARD WITH MY BARE HANDS, BIT ITS HEAD OFF AND SUCKED THE POISON DOWN IN ONE GULP AND DIDN'T EVEN GET A BELLY ACHE.'
THE COWBOY VISITING FROM ALBERTA REMAINED SILENT, SLOWLY STIRRING THE CAMPFIRE COALS WITH HIS PECKER.
H/T Don Emslie
Light News...
He's against the Lisbon Treaty and not keen on the euro... meet the new president of the EU. Woo hoo. This could be the kick up the pants the EU needs.
Police force slammed for spending £10,000 on 'hippie nonsense' head massages for stressed call centre workers. Anyone who has phoned Plod in the last decade will now what a bunch of effing useless braindead civilians are employed in these centres.
Russia cuts Ukraine gas supplies. If we don't back the Ukraine their could be a re-run of Georgia this year.
Israeli military post footage of Gaza attacks on YouTube. That's one way to stick it to the media. this could be the year when the MSM start to lose their 'control' on world events.
Another day, another year, but all change for recently bereaved, dog-owning coastguards. Yet more bullshit regulations that have been foisted upon us without discussion.
Sorry, your bag is in Afghanistan. That's French baggage handlers for you.
New Years resolutions you can really keep...
Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish?
Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point.
1. I want to gain weight — at least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less.
4. Watch more TV. I’ve been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more.
6. Drink. Drink some more.
7. Take up a new habit — maybe smoking.
8. Spend more time at work.
9. Stop bringing lunch from home — I should eat out more.
10. Start being superstitious.
H/T DML
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