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Sunday, 4 January 2009
Survey....
A survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night:
5% said it was to get a glass of water…
12% said it was to go to the toilet…
83% said it was to go home!!!
H/T DML
The Sunday Best....
Let's Be Worthy of Their Sacrifice by Karl Rove
Recycling crisis: Taxpayers foot the bill for UK's growing waste paper mountain as market collapses. So much for going green.
It's miserable being an oligarch - I'm happier as a peasant, says man who once challenged Putin. Not a bad idea.
First 43 sites named in £100 million gipsy camp scheme. Just watch crime go through the roof in these areas.
NHS wasting £2.1 billion a year in procurement inefficiencies. That's only the tip of the iceberg.....
Our Army failed its test in Iraq. No, the Government and MoD failed our military and they continue to do so.
Gordon Brown unveils crisis jobs package. Trying to buy votes with more public sector non-jobs. If he wants to do something useful he should get the building sector to completely refurbish all the military bases in the UK. It would be money well spent and keep the builders busy until the recession ends.
Russian gas cuts start to hit Europe. Bolshevick Blackmail.
Unsinkable Palin eyes run against Obama. Oh yes.
China rattled by Sun King attack. The dissent in China is growing.
Charity homes built by Hollywood start to crumble. What do expect of something built by Jimmy Carter.
Taliban bases fall after major offensive. We still need to hit them at their camps in Pakistan.
U.K. May Take More Gitmo Detainees. Sorry we don't want them.
the Clarkypoos Bit...
Ring a ring o’ clipboards – we all fall down.
Ford Flex Limited. by Jay Leno
and finally Sometimes it's great to be garish by James May.
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Real Excuse Notes.....
These are apparently real excuse notes written by parents for the teachers. Is it any wonder that our kids seem to be doing worse than the kids from Asia?
* My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
* Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
* Dear School: Please excuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33
* Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
* Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
* Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
* Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
* Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
* I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears.
* Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
* Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
* My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
* Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
* Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.
H/T DML
Wow: Amazing Police Dog.....
Notice the suspect behind the car, apparently firing a gun - you see the smoke from the muzzle, and a split second later - the Shepherd Police Dog leaps across the roof of the car, clamps onto the suspect, and brings him down so quickly - you’ll watch it several times to really appreciate the valour of this dog.
H/T DML
Saturday, 3 January 2009
Sports News.....
NASCAR NEWS...Jeff Gordon fires his entire pit crew.......
This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of the government's program to employ Harlem youngsters.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars worth of high tech equipment.
It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team as most races are won or lost in the pits.
However-Gordon got more than he bargained for! At the crew's first practice session, not only was the Inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.
H/T Shelly
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Strategic Planning.......as practised by the Labour Party
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed down from generation to generation, says that when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.
In the Public Service, however, a whole range of far more advanced strategies is often employed, such as:
1. Change riders.
2. Buy a stronger whip.
3. Do nothing: "This is the way we have always ridden dead horses".
4. Visit other countries to see how they ride dead horses.
5. Perform a productivity study to see if lighter riders improve the dead horse's performance.
6. Hire a contractor to ride the dead horse.
7. Harness several dead horses together in an attempt to increase the speed.
8. Provide additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.
9. Appoint a committee to study the horse and assess how dead it actually is.
10. Re-classify the dead horse as "living-impaired".
11. Develop a Strategic Plan for the management of dead horses.
12. Rewrite the expected performance requirements for all horses.
13. Modify existing standards to include dead horses.
14. Declare that, as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overheads, and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line than many other horses.
15. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.
H/T Rodney
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News...
We've got our own troubles, Mr Bear. Clarkypoos looks forward to 2009. (H/T Liz B)
NHS squanders millions on agency staff - with some nurses earning up to £128 an HOUR. The NHS continues to waste public money by the billion.
Whitehall is failing to count the 170,000 extra migrant workers in the UK. When the Israeli's have finished off Hamas maybe they would like to start on Whitehall.
The Blunkett Bobbies who solve just one crime every four years. These glorified traffic wardens are now patrolling Norfolk in police cars. Where did the real plod go?
Residents are warned not to wash as toxic gas hits town in Birmingham. They wash in Birmingham!!!
The new £4.7m school that won't call itself a 'school'... because it has 'negative connotations'. More PC lunacy.
Vaseline tops list of beauty products women just can't live without. Cue spoof ad.....
British Muslims fighting alongside Taliban, commanders claim. Find them, kill them, identify them, then deport their families.
Britain in grip of longest cold snap for 10 years. It's not that cold.
A century after its birth, is the state pension on its last legs? Another reason for Britains pending bankruptcy. Nice idea as long as nobody lives beyond 70.
US servicemen unconvinced by Barack Obama. No s**t. Obama is the military's worst enemy.
Russian warplanes to exercise in Greek airspace. More of Putin's willy waving.
Ministers 'have no idea if soldiers get priority healthcare'. Ministers have no idea, period.
Chancellor Alistair Darling on brink of second bailout for banks. What with? Old Monobrow has emptied Britains coffers..jpg)
Death from above: how Predator is taking its toll on al-Qaeda. They can run but it won't save them.
Do you ever worry about the NHS at all ? You should -
These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow....
The patient has no previous history of suicides.
Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.
She is numb from her toes down.
While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
H/T DML
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Last year we were read in 195 countries.......
..incidentally the UN only has 192 members. Maybe we should be in charge of 'world peace'.
73% of our readers are in the US/Canada.
December was our best month ever with:
67,842 Absolutely Unique Visitors
150,507 Visits
311,506 Page Views
Friday, 2 January 2009
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Some New Year groaners to cheer up your day.....
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a peach.
10. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
11. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
12. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
13. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
14. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In Feudalism it's your Count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
H/T DML
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