Teachers report widespread abuse. It was the teaching unions that 'abolished' discipline in schools. Now they are whining about the consequences.
UK deficit 'more than predicted'. Actually it was predicted by everyone with any brains. Sadly that excludes the Socialist rabble running this country.
The schoolboy 'torturers': Police quiz two children as boys, 9 and 11, are slashed, burned and thrown into 30ft ditch. WTF! Name them and prosecute their parents.
Back again: Deported twice but Algerian bag thief saunters in to Britain for the SECOND time in two years. What do customs do all day?
I'll lead us to a nuke-free world, promises Obama hours after North Korea fires long-range missile. He is without doubt the most dangerous idiot on the planet. He is going to get into a full scale world war.
British troops fear for fate of mascot Sandbag the dog who could be killed when they leave Iraq. Bring him home. Customs will never notice.
Second tragedy for Tsvangirai as his two-year-old grandson drowns in his swimming pool. One accident maybe, but two?
Firefighters told to use poles to test fire alarms... as stepladders 'are too dangerous'. Next they will be banned from using hoses 'cos they are heavy!!!!
Archbishop of York calls for St George's Day to be 'unifying' public holiday. This guy should be head of the Church of England. Sadly as he is not some pansy-assed liberal his chances are slim.
Paul Boateng to leave Cape Town after bullying claims. He has always been an odious creep.
Barack Obama goes ahead with missile defence shield despite disarmament pledge. A spot of self-preservation as DC is a likely target.
Hay fever 'could be cured by sex'. Why do I see a lot of hayfever sufferers testing this theory all summer long.
UN fails to reach accord on North Korea rocket launch. The UN fails at everything. We should quit.
Somali pirates 'capture' 20,000-tonne German ship. We must start hitting their bases.
Barack Obama can't make rogues like North Korea play by his rules. He is a fantasist.
Leave Turkey’s bid to join EU to us, Nicolas Sarkozy warns Barack Obama. Sarko would do well in the UK.
and finally....
Tip Of The Day: Never tick off a guy that owns a backhoe. (H/T JMH)
Monday, 6 April 2009
News....
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Airline Announcements
United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!
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On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have. '
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'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane'
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An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.
She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'
'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'
The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'
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As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella, WHOA!'
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After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.'
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Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'
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Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo , Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo . Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'
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'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.'
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'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses......except for that gentleman over there.'
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Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City . The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.'
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After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'
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Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways.'
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Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.'
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A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!' Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry i f I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!'
H/T Nebraska Bob
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More Mensa Funnies....
Here are the winners of this year's Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which, once again, asked readers to take any word from the dictionary,alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who is both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which
lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people
that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web..
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
H/T Shelly
Sunday, 5 April 2009
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Naval Student....
A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.
"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?" asked the captain.
"Throw out an anchor, sir." replied the naval student.
"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?" asked the captain.
"Throw out another anchor, sir." answered the student.
"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?" asked the captain.
"Throw out another anchor." replied the student.
"Hold on," said the Captain. "Where are you getting all your anchors from?"
The naval student replied, "From the same place you're getting all of your storms, sir."
H/T DML
TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOUR HEALTH INSURANCE HAS CHANGED TO A CHEAPER HEALTH CARE PLAN
(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.
(9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."
(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
(6) The only item listed under Preventive Care Coverage is "an apple a day..."
(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not a typographical error.
(3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."
(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.
AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED A VERY CHEAP HEALTH CARE PLAN:
(1) You ask for Viagra and they give you a Popsicle stick and Duct Tape.
H/T Old Dude
Not that is a 'houseboat'....
1916. "U.S.S. Franklin, used as training ship. Admiral Farragut's flagship
H/T Nebraska Bob
New lyrics........from Rico
Our very own TOTUS has inspired NEW LYRICS to an old venerable tune. Instead of "Hail to the Chief" we can ALL now sing "Hail to the Thief!"
It's appropriate, and actually fits the situation quite well...
Quote.....
"Nobody knows the age of the human race, but everybody agrees that it is old enough to know better." - Anon
H/T DML
The Sunday Best....
Royal Show to be last in its 160-year history. A Sad day for British agriculture.
Three homes Hoon: Iraq war Minister claimed expenses on one home, rented out second ... and lived in third for free. Another crook.
MPs slammed for going on a £70,000 trip to New Zealand...to investigate binge-drinking. Make them repay the money.
MPs 'not trusted' to review their own pay and expenses. They can't be trusted on anything.
Social workers said because I was a soldier, I was more likely to be violent to my own children. Sack the social workers.
Top British judge accuses Human Rights Court of creating ‘federal law of Europe’. We should quit it. We do not need 'human rights' legislation.
REVEALED: How Navy let 99 sailors die to avoid damaging stricken sub. A tragety.
Cartoon strip aimed at under-12s depicts Christian boy as Islamaphobe thug. Revoke their charitable status.
The Wider View: British supercar that's known as the fastest kettle in the world. But does it make tea?
White House apologises after calls to Hillary Clinton were redirected to a sex line. Was it Monica?
North Korea launches missile in 'satellite test'. And no one shot it down.
Nato accused of failures in Afghanistan by head of Britain's Armed Forces. As usual the Anglosphere is doing most of the work.
Hugo Chavez says relations with US unlikely to get better. With his commie chum Obama.
All that G20 pomp will never impress the voters. It didn't fool anyone. It was an expensive joke.
Alistair Darling: I was wrong on recession. So resign.
Gordon Brown’s gang pulls a $1 trillion con trick. And the liberals have bought it.
Runaway scooter carries off woman. WTF! (H/T JMH)
MoD reveals nuclear sub incidents. It's like bloody dodgems down there.
'Lap dancing nun' to perform for cardinals and bishops. What fun.
a bit of Clarkypoos
Fiat Qubo.
and little Jimmy May on Garages
and finally....
Vietnam Marine Receives Silver Star 42 Years Later. (H/T Stormbringer)
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C.O.T.U.S..........by Rico
The COTUS (Commissar of the US) ...you know him, the "yes, we can" (si, se puede) asshole that won the election thanks to a critical mass of SOROS megabucks, ACORN criminal voter fraud, white-librul "guilt" and 52% of the electorate being too stupid to breathe (but able to breed). Yeah, THAT guy.
HE HAS A PLAN.
White is the new black. Given that ALL typical white people are racists, the objective of Team Obama is to cater to certain people by granting lavish benefits at great burden to the working stiff [read: taxpayer]. They will be educated to the exclusion of those with more ability, and given preference in employment to the exclusion of those with skills, talent, and aptitude.
Wondrous plan, that. Worked a treat in Zimbabwe (formerly Rhodesia), just take a look!
BOTTOM LINE: You ofay chuck mofo's CAN NEVER PAY ENOUGH in real money to pay for the intangible priveleges of being white.....naw, that IS racist...let's say for being CAPABLE (as in, having ability-motivation-drive, race/color/creed is not germane unless you're a COMMUNIST talking out of your ass).
And I seem to have mis-placed the family plantation.
Oh.
We never HAD one...
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WHY ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REGULAR JOBS..
1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."
2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (now that is beautiful)
7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State footb all coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height."And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."
8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton ."
9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above is locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."
11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)
12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former pl ayer: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
14 Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."
H/T Ted
Saturday, 4 April 2009
"Speshul" all right...last remarks re: G-20.........by Rico
These idiots are "speshul" all right. Yes, I mean the G-20 attendees, the press, and all of those morons responsible for electing them instead of impeaching and/or hanging them for crimes against humanity.
A last blast...er, comment regarding the WEALTH REDISTRIBUTION SCAM they foisted upon us. Yeah, that $ trillion dollars to the IMF I gassed-on about yesterday. It relates to the SDR (special drawing rights) scam discussed.
SDR's as a world reserve currency has ALL THE TEXTURE, STICKINESS, AND STENCH OF A REDISTRIBUTION SCAM.
It is fiat money printed on a global scale, shared among ALL members of the IMF (some of the world's crummiest regimes).
The SDR consists ONLY of USD, GBP, EUR, and JPY...so you can see whose citizens pay the cost of their currencies being diluted and debased as the truly crap countries cash-in their new SDR's.
- International financial scofflaw Argentina gets over $2 bn worth of SDR's.
- Nigeria will get a similar amount (look for their world-renowned e-mail scammers/phishers to start dangling SDR-related bait to the ready-to-be-fleeced soon).
- Syria gets $350 million to protect Hexbollah from devaluation that is driving up the local currency price of Semtex.
WORSHIP OBAMA! (...the stuttering idiot) AREN'T YOU GLAD HE RODE TO THE RESCUE AT THE G-20!
The Ultimate Par 3.....
This par 3 is in South Africa.
The green is shaped like the African continent and completely surrounded by a sea of sand. You hit off a cliff over 1,400 feet above the hole and it takes 26 seconds for your ball to land.
You have to take a helicopter to get to the hole. They post spotters around the green to let you know where your ball lands because you can't possibly see it.
Padraig Harrington is the only person to ever par it. He did it in a playoff after a recent tournament there. It is the 19th hole and only used for playoffs.
Watch him do it with a sandy.
H/T Shelly
MORE HERE
Teaser.....
Count them and wait!
Count them again after the picture has changed . .
This will drive you crazy!
WHERE DOES THE EXTRA MAN COME FROM? don't ask me;
H/T Shelly
Headlines from the G20.....
Trillion dollar bail out issued on RBS cheque.
Trillion dollar rescue package under threat as world leaders unable to agree how many zeros to put on cheque
World leaders just wish Obama ‘wouldn’t keep touching them that way’.
H/T DML
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