H/T Brian
Thursday, 6 August 2009
No pun in ten did
It is said that the ability to make and understand PUNS is the highest level of language development. Here are the top 10 winners in the International Pun Contest.
1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The Stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, ‘Dam!’
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says, ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. But why they asked, as they moved off. ‘Because,’ he said, ‘I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.’
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, ‘They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.’
8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to ‘persuade’ them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is SO BAD, it’s good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And, finally, there was the person who posted ten different puns, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make his readers laugh. No pun in ten did.
H/T DML
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
Wednesday, 5 August 2009
What I Learned from My Old Dad
'The day he died, 57 years after that fateful summer, I'll guarantee you he was still scared." Washington Rebel
The ultimate wedding speech..........
Ladies and gentlemen, and friends of my daughter.
There comes a time in every wedding reception when the man who paid for the damn thing is allowed to speak a word or two of his own. And I should like to take this opportunity, sloshed as I may be, to say a word or two about Martin.
As far as I'm concerned, my daughter could not have chosen a more delightful, charming, witty, responsible, wealthy, let's not deny it, well-placed, good-looking and fertile young man than Martin as her husband.
And I therefore ask the question "Why the hell did she marry Gerald instead?"... because Gerald is a sort of man we used to describe at school as a complete prick! If I may use a gardening simile here, if his entire family may be likened to a compost heap (and I think they can) then Gerald is the biggest weed growing out of it.
I think he's a sort of man people emigrate to avoid. I remember the first time I met Gerald, I said to my wife (she's the lovely woman propping up that old lush of a mother of his) either this man is suffering from serious brain damage or the new vacuum cleaner's just arrived.
As for his family, they are quite simply the most intolerable herd of steaming social animals that I have ever had the misfortune of turning my nose up to. I spurn you as I would spurn a rabid dog.
I would like to propose a toast to the caterers. And to the pigeons who crapped on the groom's family's limousine at the church.
Er....as for the rest of you around this table not directly related to me, you can f*ck off. I wouldn't trust any of you to sit the right way on a toilet seat.
H/T DML
Taken from this Rowan Atkinson Sketch...
H/T Roger J
The Big List Of The Benefits Of Bachelorism
1. Everything in your house is yours.
2. You don't have to hide gifts, receipts, and other purchase records in ridiculous places.
3. If you buy something "yummy", you don't have to buy twice as much.
4. The only person you have to dress up for is your boss.
5. Your late nights are all yours.
6. Less stuff to move when you do move
7. One bedroom apartments feel more spacious with only one person
8. You never have to ask for permission to orgasm.
9. Only the doctor can tell you what to eat
10. You decide what to shave and when
11. Valentines day costs less
12. No anniversaries to remember
13. No extra birthdays to remember
14. No extra family to shop for during the holidays
15. No irritating in-laws to deal with
16. You can walk around naked whenever you want.
17. Only your sense of decency has any say about where you leave your dirty clothes.
18. You don't have to share
19. You don't have to change your life because someone else has jealousy issues.
20. The only insecurities you have to deal with are your own.
21. Getting that out-of-state job doesn't hinge on what someone else wants or thinks.
22. The only people complaining about music volume are the neighbours.
23. You can fall asleep anywhere without getting any guff for it in the morning.
24. You don't have to use the "headache" excuse anymore.
25. You don't have to worry as much about the "oops, I'm pregnant" factor.
26. The only person who goes through your stuff is you.
27. The only person who sees your inbox is you.
28. More time to spend with friends.
29. You don't have to live with someone who can't stand your parents.
30. If you want to go for pizza at 3am, no one stops you or asks you why.
31. You can date more freely.
32. The cute secretary is fair game.
33. The whole wedding mess? Yeah, none of that to deal with.
34. You don't have to share your closet with anyone else.
35. You always get to watch what you want.
36. You always get to read what you want.
37. You decide when to crawl into bed.
38. You can throw yourself into bed and snore without dire consequences.
39. No one else's annoying (or disgusting) habits to deal with at home.
40. The only fetishes you have to deal with are your own.
41. You can talk to yourself without people saying "what?" or worrying about your sanity.
42. There are religious benefits, if you're into that kind of thing.
43. Single people can still adopt, if you're into that kind of thing.
44. The only annoying friends you have to deal with are your own.
45. You don't ever have to wonder if you really love the person you live with.
46. There's only one way to do things- your way.
47. You are the master of the thermostat.
48. The only messes you have to clean up are your own.
49. The only disasters you have to fix are your own.
50. If an argument starts, you can walk away... forever.
51. You don't have to make excuses for yourself.
52. The whole "old maid" thing is so last century.
53. Dinner can be as simple as a frozen burrito.
54. When you eat, you buy and cook for one.
55. No one else is going to eat your leftovers.
56. No one else is going to raid your stash of sweets (you don't even have to hide it!)
57. You don't have to share your bed with anyone.
58. You can even eat in bed if you want to.
59. You can decorate the entire house according to your taste.
60. The only person spending your money is you.
61. Three words: Marriage Tax Penalty.
62. The only debts you have to pay off are your own.
63. Kids with single parents can get more financial aid.
64. Bickering couples are at best a relieving reminder and at worst hilarious.
65. Less pressure about body weight.
66. Married people are fatter on average anyway.
67. Suddenly, it's okay to look (and flirt).
68. It's easier to focus on your career and your dreams.
69. You're the only person who gets to decide if you "need to make more money."
70. The only mood swings you have to deal with are your own.
71. There are a lot of lonely and violently psychopathic people out there.
72. You don't have to change your religious beliefs one bit.
73. There are 6.5 Billion other fish in the sea. That's 6,500 x 1 million. Yeah.
74. Porn is cheaper, easier, and comes in more varieties.
75. The toilet seat only moves when you move it.
76. Cohabitation is legal, fun, and less of a hassle than marriage.
77. You don't have to deal with someone else's kids all the time.
78. Divorce is pricey.
79. You don't have to deal with "compliment fishing."
80. Fewer minutes spent with a phone attached to your ear.
81. No endless nagging.
82. You never have to answer the phone "right now!"
83. You can drink what you want, where you want, and as much as you want.
84. No doubts or worries about someone sleeping around.
85. Things stay where you put them.
86. You can meditate and have your quiet time when you need it.
87. The only thing whining about not being fed is your cat.
88. You can take out the trash when you feel like it.
89. You can shower or bathe when you want, as often as you want, for as long as you want.
90. You can even leave the door open when you shower.
91. The longer you wait, the better you know yourself, instead of someone else.
92. Children learn how to treat themselves by watching how you treat yourself.
93. A bad relationship is like a lingering knife wound- it continues to ruin your whole day.
94. You can be as eccentric as you want.
95. Your car can be as dirty or unusual or artistic as you want.
96. You decide how long it takes to get ready.
97. Say goodbye to heartache, dumping, and being dumped.
98. You get your weekends for you and your projects.
99. You can be the wild friend with all the really juicy stories.
100. You can still get laid. Maybe even more often. Certainly with more variety.
101. Being single and staying single isn't selfish. It should be seen as putting your happiness first (Where it should be.)
H/T DML
News.....
Hillary Clinton Threatens to Cut Intelligence Sharing With UK. I wasn't aware that she had any intelligence!!
Bombs killed 8 as mine-proof army trucks sat on tarmac. Another MoD balls up.
Jeremy Clarkson in hot water again after sparking complaints over Polish World War II joke. Clarkypoos in trouble again with this.....
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad sworn in as president of Iran. Nothing good will come of this.
Except a re-run of this: Israeli raid on Osiraq reactor.
US journalists released from North Korea: Bill Clinton did not issue apology. Grovelled more like.
Australians urged to eat camels not cull them. McHumpy and fries.
Hezbollah stockpiles 40,000 rockets near Israel border. They are asking for trouble.
Afghanistan helicopters may get extra armour — after they arrive. Is there a single brain cell in the MoD.
and finally....
Philanderer suffers superglued penis. Another 'Clinton' story!!
Who knew that librarians could be so hot?
The 65th Anniversary of D-Day on the Normandy Beaches....
The Denver Post has many more pics.
H/T Canis 61
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
Video: WOLF PACK IN RAMADI IRAQ
THIS IS THE STORY OF HOW THE WOLFPACK HUNTED FOR BURIED IED'S IN THE CITY OF RAMADI.
Irreplaceable...Michelle.........from Rico
Michelle's Replacement
Replacing Michelle in Chicago
At the top right hand corner of Page 17 of the New York Post of January 24th, 2009, was a short column entitled "Replacing Michelle" in the National Review "The Week" column. Here it is, word for word, as it appeared:
Some employees are simply irreplaceable. Take Michelle Obama:
The University of Chicago Medical center hired her in 2002 to run "programs for
community relations, neighborhood outreach, volunteer recruitment, staff
diversity and minority contracting".
In 2005, the hospital raised her salary from $120,000 to $317, 000 nearly
twice what her husband made as a Senator.
Oh, did we mention that her husband had just become a US Senator? He sure
had. And that he immediately requested a $1 million earmark for the UC
Medical Center, in fact?... You betcha by golly.. He surely did. Way to
network Michelle!
But now that Mrs. Obama has resigned, the hospital says her position will
remain unfilled. How can that possibly be??? Especially if the work she did
was vital enough to be worth $317,000?
Oh, by the way, let me add that Michelle's position was a part time, 20
hour week job at $317,000.00 per year !! . And to think they were critical
of Blagoyovich's wife for taking $100,000 in fuzzy real estate commission.
Question is how this bit of quid pro quo corruption escaped the sharp
reporters that dug through Sarah Palin's garbage and kindergarten files?
COMING HOME
Laura Ling and Euna Lee, the two American journalists sentenced to 12 years hard labor in North Korea, are on their way back to the United States, thanks to the efforts of President Bill Clinton.
Click here for analysis on North Korean attempts to exploit this event, and Bill Clinton's efforts to thoroughly negate the Communist propaganda photo-op.
Whatever you gotta say, whatever it takes - as long as there's no strings attached - to get your people back. 
Tuesday, 4 August 2009
ETERNAL VIGILENCE DOWN UNDER
. . . paid off this time, thankfully:
Australian police thwarted a suicide terrorist plot in which extremists with ties to an Al Qaeda-linked Somali Islamist group planned to conduct an armed assault on a military base and open fire with automatic weapons until they were shot dead themselves.
"Details of the planning indicated the alleged offenders were prepared to inflict a sustained attack on military personnel until they themselves were killed," police said.
More at STORMBRINGER
Not doctors, but..........from Rico
Our First Comrade is NOT a doctor, but he and Congress (mostly lawyers) know what is best for us!
- You do not agree? Well, they do not care whether you do or not.
Health Care "reform" by them? Personally, I don't think so...American citizenship is NOT a suicide pact, and I'm just not buying into this whole 'mandatory euthanasia' death-cult thing being promoted by the Democrats (C) ...and we MUST hurry! Rush-rush-hurry-HURRY!
- These morons deserve a 'rush' all right....the bum's rush!
Dr. Barry Oborkian. Has a nice ring to it. Sure wish he and the rest of his lot would play doctors on TV where they couldn't do any real damage!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
