The Sunday Best.......

Scores of British sailors trapped for days after French fuel protesters lay steel cable across harbour. Send in the Navy.

Church is not doing enough to convert UK Muslims, says bishop. Nice idea. Pity it's probably too late.

Jersey police failed to reveal that tested 'skull' was coconut. Send for Bergerac!!!

Wogan ponders Eurovision future after latest UK flop. He should pack it in. Eurobollocks used to be a laugh but it has been wrecked by the Eastern Europeans. The UK should also stop funding the bloody thing because without Wogan and UK dosh there is no Eurovision.

Iran 'paid Iraq insurgents to kill UK soldiers'. How many more US and UK troops have to be killed by 'Iran' before we clobber the bastards?

Hauliers to drive message home with fuel protest over rising cost. Here we go again.

Tsvangirai promises a rude shock for Mugabe. Mugabe would rather destroy Zimbabwe then relinquish power.

Titanic search a cover for submarine mission. There is usually a military reason for most things.

Pirate attacks around the world rise by 20pc. You can't have a pirate story without 'Pugwash'.....





Burma junta to demand aid. And we should demand democracy.

David Miliband is ready to save new Labour. From what?

Barack Obama wants Bill to heal Hillary Clinton wounds. And I want Bill to put a pillow over her face, we can all dream!!

Robert Mugabe flew to Far East for secret tests for prostate cancer. One little missile is all it would take.

Paris during Nazi occupation was ‘one big romp’. It seems that French women took about as long to 'surrender' as their men folk.

Ex-para aims to be a big noise with 25-mile leap. Good Luck. Bloody Nutter.

BBC placed on dirty list for ‘propping up’ Burma junta. Add it to the list of BBC balls ups.

and finally the Clarkypoos bit.

I was assaulted by a Japanese loo. The Banzai Bog!!