Monday, 29 December 2008

Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists, Obama supporters, et al:

We have stuck together since the late 1950's, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has run its course. Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile, slate it up to irreconcilable differences, and go our own ways.

Here is a model dissolution agreement:

Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes. We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.
Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA, and the military. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore, and Rosie O'Donnell (you are however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move them).

We'll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart, and Wall Street. You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys, hippies, and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot Alaskan Hockey Moms, greedy CEO's, and Rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood.

You can make nice with Iran, Palestine, and France, and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protestors. When our allies or way of life are under assault, we'll provide them job security.

We'll keep our Judeo-Christian Values. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, and Shirley McClain. You can have the U.N. but we will no longer be paying the bill. We'll keep the SUV's, pickup trucks, and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru Station Wagon you can find.

You can give everyone healthcare, if you can find any practicing Doctors (that is practicing, Howard Dean) who will follow to your turf (sic). We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right.

We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and The National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute Imagine, I'd Like to Teach The World To Sing, Kum Ba Ya, or We Are the World.

We'll practice trickle down economics, and you can give trickle up poverty its best shot.

Since it often so offends you we'll keep our History, our Name, and our Flag.
Would you agree to this?

In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you ANWAR on who will need whose help in 15 years.

John J. Wall Law Student American

P.S. Please take Barbra Streisand.

P.P.S. We will keep all oil rigs offshore, all oil refineries, all big oil companies and exploration teams. You can keep your windmills and solar panels.


starconqueror said...

I guess thats where the difference between extreme right and middle or christian right begins. As a mid "christian conservative" I can agree with most of this. However with inadequate, overpriced healthcare being nothing less than a death sentence for many Americans there must be a better way. As for greedy CEO's I'd like to shoot a few myself. As most normal people would say, nobody is worth the millions these morons are getting paid.

The Old Man said...

Stole this for my site. Gave you credit. Well said.

BTW - verification word was "rested". Yes, I am...

Ray Pelland said...

I'm not sure how this liberal dem ended up here but somehow I did - and I really enjoyed the article.

Even though John Wall missed a few he hit many issues that benefit from a consideration of useful conservatives principles and leave us not looking so good.

Bravo for that as we on the left need those things called out. I think in reaction to what we saw as truly outrageous vindictive behavior by conservatives over the last 16 years (I mean impeaching a president for a blow job, Rush Limbaugh, Newt Gingrich, Supreme Court votes for Bush, cmon?) the left is now in high dudgeon and looking for payback.

Our side is no longer the aggrieved doers of good as we so long fancied ourselves - we're now the shrieking avengers.

Please do call BS on all that. As soon as this passes I hope we can all get back to seeing that there's some sense to be found in each of the others' views. But please, argue from the good common sense that lies at the bottom of many conservative positions and leave the vitriol behind. I'll try to encourage our side to do the same.

Looking forward to the debate, Ray in Seattle

dicentra63 said...

Think you can get this written up on and make it official? Pleez?

Anonymous said...

Dear John,

I agree!

Lets get a divorce!

Robert Emory