Saturday, 19 January 2008
AND THEY CLAIM EDUCATIONAL STANDARDS ARE RISING !!!! Part 1
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.
BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester
BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark: For Pounds 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?
GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.
And these people are allowed to vote!!!
H/T Pete Hurrell
News.....
Kids told to bake PC pizza. Britain gets sillier by the day!!
Yob freed early to batter Susan. Hang the scumbag!
The debate over Afghan strategy. The Belmont Club has a good piece.
Iraq forces could control all provinces this year: U.S. About time too
Putin: the brutal despot who is dragging the West into a new Cold War. They lost the last Cold War and they will lose this one.
CIA launches hunt for international computer hackers threatening to hold cities ransom by shutting off power. The CIA couldn't find their own backsides.
Pint of beer 'may cost £4 within year'. It's only £1.60 at the Sailing Club.
Israel test-launches nuclear-capable missile. Target Tehran.
Unbelievable Numbers From Iowa
Here are some interesting numbers from the Iowa Caucuses.
If you listened to the Main Stream Media, there was a TERRIFIC TURNOUT for Democrats at the Iowa Caucuses AND MAJOR CHANGE is in the wind.
All FOUR of the TOP Republican Candidates EACH exceeded the TOTAL NUMBER OF VOTES CAST for ALL Democrats.
In fact, it appears that NO Democrats even bothered to show up in Nine of the 1781 Iowa Precincts. All 1781 Precincts reported Republican votes.
THERE WERE ALMOST 9 TIMES THE NUMBER OF VOTES CAST IN THE REPUBLICAN CAUCUSES VERSES THE DEMOCRAT CAUCUSES.
See the map HERE
H/T Shelly
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Friday, 18 January 2008
You couldn't make it up...with Nebraska Bob
Pensioner arrested and locked in cell for shouting at yobs who threw stones at ducks.
WPCs call for end to Simon Cowell-style trousers saying: 'They make our bums look big'
Do Squaddies' Online Videos Bring The Army Into Disrepute? No but it shows what a bunch of w**kers the MOD and MSM are.
Site of the day...
Rogue Gunner the thoughts of a Falklands Veteran. A great bloke who went there and did it.
45 Govt thinks thinks these are the sexiest zoomy things...
Can anyone give a clue as to why the crews called the Blackbird the HABU?
The McDonnell-Douglas F-4 Phantom II had several nick names including "The World's Largest Distributor Of MiG Parts", "Old Smokey", "The Big Ugly", and "America's Proof To The World That With Enough Power Even A Brick Can Fly".
This sums up the Demoncrats....
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be the boss.
The brain said, "since I control everything and do all the thinking, I should be the boss."
The feet said, "since I carry man where he wants to go and get him in position to do what the brain wants, then I should be the boss."
The hands said, "since I must do all the work and earn all the money to keep the rest of you going, I should be the boss."
And so it went with the eyes, the heart, the lungs, and all the other parts of the body, each giving the reason why they should be the boss.
Finally, the asshole spoke up and said it was going to be the boss.
All the other parts laughed and laughed at the idea of the asshole being the boss. The asshole got so angry that he blocked himself off and refused to function.
Soon the brain was feverish and could barely think, the feet felt like lead weights and was almost too weak to drag the body anywhere, the eyes grew bleary, and the hands hung useless at the sides. All pleaded with the brain to let the asshole be declared the boss.
And so it happened; all the other parts did all the work and the asshole just bossed and passed out a lot of crap.
THE MORAL: You don't have to be a brain to be a boss, just an old asshole.
Alternate moral: No matter how well things are going, it can all be shut down by a single asshole.
H/T 45 Govt
The Day the Penis asked for a Raise
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons: I do physical labour. I work at great depths. I plunge headfirst into everything I do. I do not get weekends or public holidays off. I work in a damp environment. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation. I work in high temperatures. My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely, P. Niss
The Response:
Dear P. Niss,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, The administration rejects your request for the following reasons: You do not work 8 hours straight. You fall asleep after brief work periods. You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing. You will retire well before you are 65. You are unable to work double shifts. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed your assigned task. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely, V. Gina
H/T Liz B
News...
Put away your arms, drama group is told. Pathetic! It is time that someone took a stand against these nannies.
Russia moves to control, Nigerian gas. Is there anyone we are not going to have to 'smack' in the next few years. We had better raise the defence budget to 100 Billion.
Hurt feelings, luvvie? Let's call it 400 grand! Littlejohn on lesbian's payday. Apparently being caught with your finger caught in the dyke pays better then being killed or maimed fighting for your country.
Return of the militants: Days lost to strikes have soared 20-fold in a year. Labour: 'Working for Britain'.
Failure to teach three Rs 'damaging economy'. No s**t!
Putin has nothing to gain from harassing Brits. Don't bet on it. He knows that we have a very weak and easliy scared government.
Commons Sketch: Miliband's Teddy Bear teeth. Silly little man.
Tony Blair 'cannot be president of EU'. Too bloody right.
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ESTATE PLANNING
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card. Three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men.
H/T Nebraska Bob
Thursday, 17 January 2008
Gates update...
Westhawk has a good piece.
And The Elephant Bar discuss Barack Obama's religion
H/T Nebraska Bob
Dear Imadinnerjacket..you have a Jew on your doorstep and he's loaded for bear so bring it on!!
Capt. Herman "Herm" Shelanski is just waiting to kick your Islamonazi butt.
H/T Shelly
Chris Rock - How not to get your ass kicked by the police!
This is now true for all races...
H/T Mark Scott
News....
Get this evil off our streets. Hang the scum and their parents.
The Clintons try to take down Barack Obama. Someone had better stop them.
US defence chief sparks row after blasting British troops in Afghanistan for lack of 'experience'. The man is a fool. Admittedly some of our so called 'NATO Allies' are bloody pathetic but insulting the British Army is out of order and he should apologise.
He should watch this....
Lesbian soldier's sex harassment victory to cost MoD £400,000. Effing pathetic. The MOD is a joke.
Pupils at private school discover their teacher in 'shocking soft-porn' advert on YouTube And you can see it below....
Ministers ditch the phrase 'war on terror'. Maybe they would prefer the term Islamic War!!
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Electile Dysfunction:
"The inability to become aroused over any of the choices for president put forth by either party in the 2008 election year."
And if you have an electile and actually like one of the candidates for longer than four hours, see a doctor.
H/T Shelly
It's your First Kiss and several questions might come to mind:
Is it the right time?
Is anyone watching?
Does your partner even want to?
Is your breath fresh?
AND,---Should you use some tongue?
Then you say . . .
'What the heck!' and Just Go for it!!! 
H/T Don Emslie
Oh how true....
H/Ts Thomas Harris and Shelly
One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church.
Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for Bill Clinton who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to Bill and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
Bill calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 30 years."
H/T Nebraska Bob
Wednesday, 16 January 2008
Bully-boy Putin up to his old tricks....
Russia warned over 'intimidation'. Mad Vlad is becoming a pain in the neck!!
Why women don't take men on holiday......
...to be fair my worst holidays have all involved girlfriends.
H/T Casasquirrels
BANNED FROM WALMART ...........
This is why women should not take men shopping against their will. DON'T TAKE ME IF I DON'T WANT TO GO...........
After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to WalMart.
Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men-- he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women-- she loved to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and m ay be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House Wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House Wares. Get on it right away.'
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asked if t hey cou l d help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12. December 6: In the auto depa rtment, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least .
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'
Regards,
Walmart
H/T Jeffrey Nihart
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