Saturday, 25 October 2008
On this Day in History.....
...we smacked the crap out of the French at Agincourt
and the Light Brigade rode into history at Balaclava and took the Russian Guns.
Jules has the full post.
Wisdom of Years.....
* I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
* I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
* I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
* I’ve learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you’d better have a big willy or huge boobs.
* I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.
* I’ve learned that you can keep puking long after you think you’re finished.
* I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
* I’ve learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.
* I’ve learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
H/T DML
News....
'Worst financial crisis in human history': Bank boss's warning as pound suffers biggest fall for 37 years. The media do love to panic people.
Islamic courts cleared to deal with family and divorce disputes as Government endorses sharia. WTF!!
The £1 pub meal: Struggling landlord beats credit crunch by selling value dinners. Good honest grub.
Lord Mandelson admits public were misled over relationship with Russian oligarch. Lying sleazy c**t. He has no place in British politics.
Iran's president under pressure amid poor health rumours. Imadinnerjacket is not a well boy!!
Barack Obama breaks from campaign to be with ill grandmother. You can guarantee she will not survive. Nothing like a dead granny to win a few votes.
French accuse English of war crimes and exaggeration over Agincourt. Bad losers the Frogs.
Red faces over yellow line fiasco. How do people this stupid get employed?
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Friday, 24 October 2008
Peter Kay One Liners
1) I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said 'Thyroid problem?'
2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! >From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
9) S*x is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?'
I said 'No, six should be enough.'
11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
13) You know that look women get when they want s*x? No, me neither
14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.
15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before
H/T Liz B
Light News...
Hiring Gurkha girls will weaken British Army, warns top brass. Rubbish. All Gurkhas are welcome. They are fantastic people.
Violent crime up 22% as Home Office admits police have been under-recording serious offences for ten years. About time the truth on crime came out.
2.5p increase in income tax needed to fill Government's £125bn black hole. The final nail in Labours coffin.
Police fear riots if Barack Obama loses US election. Nothing compared to the carnage if he wins.
Iraq: US forces hand over Triangle of Death. More progress.
North Korea clamps down on mobile phones to stop news of food crisis. They have mobile phones!!
And this....
Undercover agent Larry Grathwohl discusses the Weather Underground’s post-revolution governing plans for the United States on a YouTube video. H/T Thomas H & Nebraska Bob
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LITTLE RALPHIE ON MATH
Little RALPHIE is in school, and the teacher says, 'RALPHIE, there are six birds sitting on a telephone wire, and a hunter shoots one of them with his shotgun. How many birds are left?'
Little RALPHIE replies, ‘NONE – the rest of the birds flew away!’
Miss Rogers smiles and says, ‘The correct answer is five, Little RALPHIE, but I like the way you think.’
‘OK, Teacher,’ says Little RALPHIE, ‘Now I have a question for you: there are three women sitting eating ice cream cones. The first one is just taking little licks, the second one is carefully licking up and down and all about the sides of her ice cream cone, and the third one opens her mouth wide and takes the entire ice cream cone into her mouth. Which one of these women is married?’
‘Oooh! . . . er . . . uh . . . um . . .’ Miss Rogers replies nervously, ‘Why, I suppose it’s the one who opens her mouth and takes the entire ice cream cone in her mouth . . .’
‘Wrong, Teacher!’ Little RALPHIE replies, ‘It’s the woman wearing the wedding ring, but I like the way you think!’
H/Ts 45Govt & Stormbringer
Thursday, 23 October 2008
LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR
Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet. He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!'
The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'
Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if
you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'
H/T 45 Govt
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News...
Police undercount violent crimes. More Government Dishonesty.
ANC calls for rethink on land redistribution. It worked so well in Zimbabwe!!!
Al Fayed sex-claim teenager 'was warned not to tell anyone'. If true Fayed will finally get his comeuppance.
'A blatant tax on motorists': Swindon becomes the first town to ditch speed cameras. Hopefully other councils will follow this example.
'Universities are dumbing down': 77% of professors claim pressure to award higher marks has increased. Most degrees have become worthless. We need fewer places and better quality.
Unruly pupils will be sent to Army cadet boot camps instead of being expelled. About time too. There again if we restored discipline in the schools it would be a start.
Iran 'would prefer' Barack Obama presidency. As would Al Queda, Cuba, North Korea, Venezuela and Sudan. The worlds crackpots will have a field day.
Zimbabwe: Corruption fears over £300m UN aid. Mugabe and his cronies will pocket most of it.
Armed Forces Minister denies 'systemic failure' in MoD. People in the MoD must be held to account for their continuing failings.
Britain's Bloodhound car could reach 1,000mph. Wow. 
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