Sunday, 15 August 2010

The First World War, explained as a pub fight...........

Germany, Austria and Italy are stood together in the middle of the pub, when Serbia bumps into Austria, and spills Austria's pint.

Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit, because there are splashes on its trouser leg.

Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view

Britain recommends that everyone calm down a bit.

Serbia points out that it can't afford a whole suit, but offers to pay for cleaning Austria's trousers.

Russia and Serbia look at Austria.

Austria asks Serbia who it's looking at.

Russia suggests that Austria should leave its little brother alone.

Austria inquires as to whose army will assist Russia in compelling it to do so.

Germany appeals to Britain that France has been looking at it, and that this is sufficiently out of order that Britain should not intervene.

Britain replies that France can look at who it wants to, that Britain is looking at Germany too, and what is Germany going to do about it?

Germany tells Russia to stop looking at Austria, or Germany will render Russia incapable of such action.

Britain and France ask Germany whether it's looking at Belgium.

Turkey and Germany go off into a corner and whisper. When they come back, Turkey makes a show of not looking at anyone.

Germany rolls up its sleeves, looks at France, and punches Belgium.

France and Britain punch Germany. Austria punches Russia. Germany punches Britain and France with one hand and Russia with the other.

Russia throws a punch at Germany, but misses and nearly falls over. Japan calls over from the other side of the room that it's on Britain's side, but stays there. Italy surprises everyone by punching Austria.

Australia punches Turkey, and gets punched back. There are no hard feelings, because Britain made Australia do it.

France gets thrown through a plate glass window, but gets back up and carries on fighting. Russia gets thrown through another one, gets knocked out, suffers brain damage, and wakes up with a complete personality change.

Italy throws a punch at Austria and misses, but Austria falls over anyway. Italy raises both fists in the air and runs round the room chanting.

America waits till Germany is about to fall over from sustained punching from Britain and France, then walks over and smashes it with a barstool, then pretends it won the fight all by itself.

By now all the chairs are broken, and the big mirror over the bar is shattered. Britain, France and America agree that Germany threw the first punch, so the whole thing is Germany's fault . While Germany is still unconscious, they go through its pockets, steal its wallet, and buy drinks for all their friends.



Dick Puddlecote said...

Genius! And pinched (with H/T). :)

Anonymous said...

must have been thought up by a snob brit!
America "waited till germany was about to fall over"???
british pompous asses think that for sure

My grandfather was there I KNOW better

Mike the Marine said...

And when Germany wakes up, it goes out to it's car, gets the gun out of the glovebox and heads back inside...

Anonymous said...

More please. Could I have more please?
How about WWII or the Korean War, or Vietnam?
How about the Falklands, or the Gulf War?

Dangerouslysubversivedad said...

Very amusing stuff, but *cough* Anzac has an 'N' and a 'Z' in it *cough*. Kiwi readers may not appreciate being airbrushed out of the story. Especially as it's a pub fight involving Australians.

DaveA said...

"And when Germany wakes up, it goes out to it's car, gets the gun out of the glovebox and heads back inside..."

Lets off the full chamber, wounds France, Belgium, Britain and Russia. Britain and America regain their balance, disarm Germany and kick the sh1t out of Germany and its mate Austria.

Germany and France kiss and make up and mug Britain to pay for the next a few bottle at Belgium's place.

Great work from ChrisG

Minicapt said...

"My grandfather was there I KNOW better."

Ignorance is truly bliss; and Pershing made Haig look completely competent.


Andrew said...

Humourless yanks need to chillax.

Anonymous said...

Sorry I can't take the credit for this, It was Facebooked to me, it was far too good to keep to myself.

Some of the remarks are predictable.


Griff said...

So apparently Canada doesn't exist in this bar fight? Or did Vimy ridge and the battle of the Somme never happen?

I loved it, but shame.

unclemeat said...

You left out Canada, ya I said it, what you going to do about it?

Anonymous said...

Somewhere in there Canada walked in and decided that the drinks being poured required that they also get involved. Its that whole 'nationhood; thing.

the bear said...

hmm, not a word about Canadian. Well, glad we could help that incompetent tit Haig get a few medals.

Anonymous said...

Now that the veterans are all dead, let the gross historical revisionism and judging begin! Can we reduce all of the political and ethnic tensions of an entire decade into a few lines? Yes we can! Can we smugly judge the values of a distant culture, ignoring the lenses of our own that colour the judgments? Yes we can! Can we make jokes about the death of millions, to prop up our own sense of moral and intellectual superiority? Yes we can!

Paul said...

Brilliant - but how 'bout Canada?

E.g., After Britain, France, and Germany were locked in to a clench for hours, Britain's young son Canada came in and gave Germany a bloody nose.

And, yeah, to claim that the US's role was merely to take credit is pretty inaccurate.

Norm said...

Pershing made Haig look incompetent? My cocker spaniel makes Haig look incompetent! Not a difficult task.
By late 1917 Britain, France and Germany were like punch drunk heavyweights in the 32nd round, staggering around and telegraphing left hooks. ANY fresh army coming in on either side would have won the war.

Anonymous said...

'humourless Yanks'
like you now humor...
good stuff...
I try to get my teenagers to read this kind of stuff to get them to realize history is made by people like them
the more the better

Anonymous said...

The American runs up a huge tab and leaves the bill with Britain, forever.

The Canadian get drunk and leave with a bunch of Brit women

Anonymous said...

If anybody cares, here's the original context:

Anonymous said...

c u cant take germany lightly cos if u do few years later comes hitler and beat that french frog eater and kill anybody eals!

Anonymous said...

In response to people annoyed that their country is left out and to those offended by certain countries' portrayal: since this condenses the First World War into a bar fight in what is intended to be a humorous fashion, some aspects are bound to be left out, and certain stereotypes are going to be important to the comedic effect.

So, um, lighten up?

Anonymous said...

Actually, as Canada was a dominion under the British Empire its not entirely unaccurate not to mention it.

Also, America only entered the war to show off some muscles and tell Britain and France a new superpower was at hand.

Unknown said...

I'm trying to find the author of this for artistic reasons. Any chance anybody can point me in the right direction? I mean...SOMEONE had to come up with matter how long it's been circuating