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Wednesday, 30 January 2008
Parvinder and Habib
Parvinder and Habib are panhandlers. They panhandle in different areas of town.
Habib panhandles just as long as Parvinder but only collects 2 to 3 dollars every day.
Parvinder brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Habib says to Parvinder 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?'
Parvinder says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say?'
Habib's sign reads, 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support.'
Parvinder says, 'No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars.'
Habib says, 'So what does your sign say?'
Parvinder shows Habib his sign.
It reads, 'I only need another $10 to move back to Pakistan.'
H/T Ted Foster
Words of encouragement.....
No matter what situations life throws at you
No matter how long and treacherous your journey may seem
Remember, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel
H/T Peter Gunn
The Good Wife....
“One winter morning during breakfast a husband and wife (who was a blonde) in northern Minnesota were listening to the radio. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.
You must park..." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
H/T Mark Scott
Tuesday, 29 January 2008
Should UK Adopt The Euro?
A cross-section survey of 1000 people in the UK, made up of Afghans,
Pakistanis, Indians, Poles, Iraqis, Somalis, Africans, Albanians,
Bosnians, Turks, Geordies, Brummies, Glaswegians and Liverpudlians were
asked if they thought Britain should change its currency to Euro.
99% said no, they were happy with the Giro.
H/T AJD Shootist.
(Giro=welfare)
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On their 50th Anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on.
She went to her husband, a retired Marine pilot, and said: "Honey, do you remember this?"
He looked up from his newspaper and said: 'Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married'
She said, 'Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night? '
He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I said; 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those tits and screw your brains out".
She giggled and said; "That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?"
He looked her up and down and replied, "Mission Accomplished".
H/T Thomas Harris
News....
Father 'beaten and stabbed to death in row with neighbour over son's football'. Death penalty anyone!
£10m and rising... Blair coffers swell with another job in the City. It doesn't say much for a company that would emply a lying bastard like Blair. The shareholders may have a say as well.
Phones tapped at the rate of 1,000 a day. It's worse than the Old Soviet Union. Unregistered cell phone and Skype for me!
Fears for future of Paras as training jumps cut. Once again our forces are being downgraded to save a few quid. May I suggest a 'jump' into Parliament Square.
Taliban gunmen take 200 children hostage. At this rate the Taliban will soon be running Pakistan. NBC weaponry is starting to look good.
Taxpayers face £500m bill for BAE projects. You can double that and add some. BAE have been ripping off the British taxpayer for years. They are incapable of suppliying kit on time and on budget!
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A moment of Gunner Zen.
These Redlegs of the 10th Mountain are living the dream... Direct Fire!
U.S. soldiers from 6th Field Artillery Regiment, 10th Mountain Division, fire a round from a howitzer during training at the Warrior Range in Kirkuk, Iraq, Jan.23, 2008. U.S. Army photo by Spc. Laura M. Buchta
H/T Mark Scott
Truisms...part 2
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have
you done wrong?
Made her chain too long
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer
to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
H/T The soon to be divorced Pete Hurrell
Monday, 28 January 2008
Truisms....part 1
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet
2) Telephone
3) Tell a woman
How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.
Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
H/T Pete Hurrell
BA 777 AAIB Findings
Apparently the AAIB are now investigating whether or not the crew may have been distracted by something on the ground..... 
H/T Tuscan Tony
Newsy bits.....
Council bans villagers putting up 'anti-social' coffee morning posters on lamposts. Petty minded fools.
Drivers over 75 could have to sit an IQ test under new government proposals. I have a better idea, we should start IQ testing our politicians.
Wealthy whingers: The £90,000-a-year families who still don't feel rich. The grateful pricks should try living on £5000 a year.
Boy suspended from school for drinking lemonade shandy in playground. Pathetic! The teacher should be sacked for crass stupidity.
Overstretched and demoralised: MPs warn armed forces are at breaking point. Nice of them to notice. The only way to change things is for the military to take control of this country and to sort the mess this government has got us into.
American spy satellite 'the size of a bus' is out of control and hurtling towards Earth. And......
Prince Charles' Olympic-sized snub to China. Good man. He will be a good king.
Ted Kennedy backs Barack Obama. I hope Obama can swim!!
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Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying her flowers.
The redhead sighs and says: "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again".
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says: "You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend"?
The redhead replies: "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air".
The blonde says: ........"Don't you have a vase"?
H/T Mark Scott
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Sunday, 27 January 2008
My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.
Yesterday afternoon, she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing in Southern Tennessee because of bad weather. Thank God our kids were with me at the Beach House this weekend.
The NTSB issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: Judy was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating.
The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.
Photographs below were taken at the scene show the extent of damage to her aircraft.
She was very lucky. 
H/T Franklin Hill
The Sunday Round-up.
Brown banishes 300-year-old tradition by removing Britannia from our 50p coin. It's Brown who should be banished!
Top judge attacks Government's bid to keep criminals out of crowded jails. How does Jack Straw sleep at night?
He's Mugabe's friend, but cleared property tycoon Nicholas van Hoogstraten is under arrest in Harare. Once a crook.....
As Poles flood into Britain, the story of the family who went in the opposite direction in search of a new life. I am tempted to follow them.
UK's youngest woman councillor, 18, poses in raunchy snaps. Well it's one way to get votes...just don't tell Hillary.
WILL CHERIE’S BOOK RUIN BROWN? It could be the first useful thing she has done!
BROWN'S TO BLAME FOR THIS RUN OF DISASTERS. The man's a bloody joke.
Don't treat the old and unhealthy, say doctors. The hypocritic oafs!
Zimbabwe opposition reunites. As if they stand a chance in a Zimbabwean 'free' election. The polls have already been 'organised'.
Anger in Iran after law student dies in custody. They Iranians need to get off their butts and boot out the Mullahs. Otherwise the 'boats' below will be popping by from a little chat.
Kofi Annan intervenes in Kenya. The last thing the Kenyans need is Kofi Bloody Banana.
Saddam Hussein'pretended to have weapons' No shit!!! Bet he is regretting it now!
First, fairy cakes – then welding, kids. Clarkyposs latst offering.
Ken Livingstone ‘misused’ funds to aid CND friends. Another crooked little prick. Soon to be ex-mayor of London.
Jeremy Clarkson's greatest hits.
Mark Steyn: First, they came for Piglet
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