H/T Mark Scott
Friday, 24 October 2008
Peter Kay One Liners
1) I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said 'Thyroid problem?'
2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! >From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
9) S*x is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?'
I said 'No, six should be enough.'
11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
13) You know that look women get when they want s*x? No, me neither
14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.
15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before
H/T Liz B
Light News...
Hiring Gurkha girls will weaken British Army, warns top brass. Rubbish. All Gurkhas are welcome. They are fantastic people.
Violent crime up 22% as Home Office admits police have been under-recording serious offences for ten years. About time the truth on crime came out.
2.5p increase in income tax needed to fill Government's £125bn black hole. The final nail in Labours coffin.
Police fear riots if Barack Obama loses US election. Nothing compared to the carnage if he wins.
Iraq: US forces hand over Triangle of Death. More progress.
North Korea clamps down on mobile phones to stop news of food crisis. They have mobile phones!!
And this....
Undercover agent Larry Grathwohl discusses the Weather Underground’s post-revolution governing plans for the United States on a YouTube video. H/T Thomas H & Nebraska Bob
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LITTLE RALPHIE ON MATH
Little RALPHIE is in school, and the teacher says, 'RALPHIE, there are six birds sitting on a telephone wire, and a hunter shoots one of them with his shotgun. How many birds are left?'
Little RALPHIE replies, ‘NONE – the rest of the birds flew away!’
Miss Rogers smiles and says, ‘The correct answer is five, Little RALPHIE, but I like the way you think.’
‘OK, Teacher,’ says Little RALPHIE, ‘Now I have a question for you: there are three women sitting eating ice cream cones. The first one is just taking little licks, the second one is carefully licking up and down and all about the sides of her ice cream cone, and the third one opens her mouth wide and takes the entire ice cream cone into her mouth. Which one of these women is married?’
‘Oooh! . . . er . . . uh . . . um . . .’ Miss Rogers replies nervously, ‘Why, I suppose it’s the one who opens her mouth and takes the entire ice cream cone in her mouth . . .’
‘Wrong, Teacher!’ Little RALPHIE replies, ‘It’s the woman wearing the wedding ring, but I like the way you think!’
H/Ts 45Govt & Stormbringer
Thursday, 23 October 2008
LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR
Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet. He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!'
The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'
Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if
you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'
H/T 45 Govt
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News...
Police undercount violent crimes. More Government Dishonesty.
ANC calls for rethink on land redistribution. It worked so well in Zimbabwe!!!
Al Fayed sex-claim teenager 'was warned not to tell anyone'. If true Fayed will finally get his comeuppance.
'A blatant tax on motorists': Swindon becomes the first town to ditch speed cameras. Hopefully other councils will follow this example.
'Universities are dumbing down': 77% of professors claim pressure to award higher marks has increased. Most degrees have become worthless. We need fewer places and better quality.
Unruly pupils will be sent to Army cadet boot camps instead of being expelled. About time too. There again if we restored discipline in the schools it would be a start.
Iran 'would prefer' Barack Obama presidency. As would Al Queda, Cuba, North Korea, Venezuela and Sudan. The worlds crackpots will have a field day.
Zimbabwe: Corruption fears over £300m UN aid. Mugabe and his cronies will pocket most of it.
Armed Forces Minister denies 'systemic failure' in MoD. People in the MoD must be held to account for their continuing failings.
Britain's Bloodhound car could reach 1,000mph. Wow. 
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Wednesday, 22 October 2008
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Zimbabwe's Economy in a Nutshell....
.. this is what happens when you elect a marxist president.
H/T Mark Scott
Security Questions for Voters
Q. What is America 's first line of missile interceptor defense that
protects the entire United States ?
A. 49th Missile Defense Battalion of Alaska National Guard.
Q. What is the only National Guard Unit on permanent active duty?
A. 49th Missile Defense Battalion of Alaska National Guard.
Q. Who is the Commander in Chief of the 49^th Missile Defense Battalion
of Alaska National Guard?
A. Governor Sarah Palin, Alaska
Q. What U.S. governor is routinely briefed on highly classified military
issues, homeland security and counter terrorism?
A. Governor Sarah Palin, Alaska
Q. What U.S. governor has a higher classified security rating than
either candidate of the Democrat Party?
A. Governor Sarah Palin, Alaska
Q. Oh my! What will we ever do? Obama told us she is too unqualified to act if we came under attack. So, what will we do?
A. Call Bill Ayers, Rev. Wright, and Rev. Pfleger and ask them to pray for President Obama to talk to the attackers and ask them to please stop.
H/T Shelly
Wow...
Soldiers with Charlie Battery, 1-377 FA fire an M198, 155mm howitzer during a recent combined live-fire exercise.
1st I.D. "Viper Company" - Korengal Valley, Afghanistan Pt1.....
...not sure revealing the number of troops in the outpost is very clever.
Light News...
Pound plunges after Bank of England governor Mervyn King declares: 'We ARE in a recession'. Nice of him to notice.
House prices 'to plummet by 35%' - the biggest ever fall in Britain. More panic spreading headlines.
Bali bombers to be beheaded. The 'Sword of Justice' in action.
George Osborne snared in money trap. Naive fool.
Obama lawyers aim stop repeat of Florida fiasco. Morelike supervising the vote rigging.
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