Wednesday, 12 November 2008
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Things you can say only during Thanksgiving.....
1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. That's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open & stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen.
H/T Gary P
Tuesday, 11 November 2008
After numerous rounds of “We don’t know if Osama is still alive,” Osama himself decided to send Ted Kennedy a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Kennedy opened the letter which appeared to contain a single line of coded message: 370HSSV-0773H.
Kennedy was baffled, so he e-mailed it to John Kerry. Kerry and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.
With no clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Marine Corps Intelligence for help Within a few seconds the Marines cabled back with this reply: “Tell Kennedy he’s holding the message upside down.”
H/T DML
Video of the Day: Rolf Harris sings 'Two Little Boys' the the Chelsea Pensioners.
A great song and well worth a listen.
You may also want to listen to 'They Died for Me'.
News....
Jamie Gorelick is described as being in the running for the post of Attorney General. Well Obama did say he wanted a new dog for the White House.
Ruminations at Liberty Peak Lodge
The night we waved goodbye to America... our last best hope on Earth. Hitchens on the election result.
First World War hero's bravery medals stolen just hours before Armistice Day. Find the thief and put him in the stocks.
Get your snouts out of the trough: MPs blasted by their own sleaze watchdog. Greedy self-serving scum the lot of them.
North Korea threatens 'ultra-hardline' action against Japan over sanctions. Yeah, yeah yeah! More threats are their only export these days.
Foreign peace troops will be targets, Congo rebel warns. No shit. Under-equipped, under-manned and poorly led as per usual. They will achieve nothing.
UK to lead EU anti-piracy force off Somalia. What with? The Royal Navy is a bit short of ships at the mo thanks to the c**t in Number 10.
Barack Obama throws US missile shield into doubt. As predicted! Our enemies must be rubbing their hands. At least four years of being to do as they please.
Brave Captain David Hicks died in poorly protected base, inquest told. Let the Military run the country and send all the politicians and civil servants to fight the wars.
Barack Obama plans quick transfer of Guantanamo Bay suspects to US. Where doubt a whole load of liberal lawyers with terrorist sympathies will defend them.
Republicans to Receive Bailout from Congress from Coyote Blog
One of Thousands who will never be forgotten.
Picture: Cpl. J. Holme CD the Seaforth Highlanders of Canada
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Monday, 10 November 2008
That's what happens when you let the public vote.....
Strictly Come Dancing and X Factor: Judges hit out over 'nonsense' public votes. Don't vote for Sergeant, plead Strictly judges.
If need an excuse to to vote John Sergeant it is the first 30 secs of the video. Priceless.
How to feed a pill to a cat....
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for glueing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink one beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologise to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little bxxxxxxx's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
H/T Old Dude
News...
Today's Big Contest!!! Name That Development!!! over at Maggie's.
(Hot) Reporter Investigated For Looting. Jules has the story with piccies.
Obama lovefest won't last. I give it 'til Christmas.
Exhausted British troops must not go straight from Iraq to Afghanistan even if Obama wants a new 'surge', warns Armed Forces chief. We need to increase the size of our forces to alleviate the overstretch.
Families and small businesses to receive billions in tax cuts in Pre-Budget Report. And exactly how is Brown going to pay for them? The cupboard is bare.
Abu Qatada arrested after 'attempts to flee'. Should have shot the bastard.
US carried out a dozen secret attacks on al-Qaeda. Good. We cannot wait for them to come to us.
Zimbabwe: Neighbours back Robert Mugabe's plan for home ministry. The shambles continues.
Fears grow for Barack Obama's security. Paranoia?
Workers of the world, unite - in mutual discord and enmity. Love it.
Barack Obama's wind of change blows apart the Senate. Kerry as Sec of State. Then the lunatics will really be running the asylum.
Acceptance from the Belmont Club
Scandal of the Day.....
Traumatised veterans' fight for care. The lack of support from the Government and MoD is a national disgrace.
The BBC's File on Four programme on this subject is available
Here. BBC I-Player required.
The Shows home page is here. If you click on the latest programme link it should work for all those who do not get the BBC I-player.
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Australian Etiquette.
IN GENERAL
1.. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.
(A stubby, in this instance is a small, 375mil, bottle of beer usually drunk straight from the bottle, Stubbies on the other hand are a brand of work shorts popular with trades people.)
2.. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3.. It's tacky to take an Esky to church.(An "Esky" is a portable icebox used to keep your stubby's, bottles, cold.)
4.. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5.. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.
DINING OUT
1.. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
2.. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1.. A centre piece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2.. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1.. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN Ute keys.
2.. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3.. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4.. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.
DATING
1.. Always offer to bait your date's hook - especially on the first date.
2.. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the dunny door two years ago."
3.. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say 11:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATRE ETIQUETTE
1.. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
2.. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
1.. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2.. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered out of place)
3.. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
4.. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1.. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun is loaded and the roo is in your rifle sight.
2.. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way.
3.. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4.. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
H/T DML
Sunday, 9 November 2008
The Sunday Best....
Obama backs crackdown on tax havens. Hand's off our havens.
New shock for Radio 2 fans: After the Russell Brand furore, now Ken Bruce faces the chop. You can't get rid of Ken Bruce. He is brilliant.
DVLA still sell your data without checks as 30,000 requests a month bypass vetting system. This must be stopped right now.
Two-mortgages Prezza: How credit crunch will lose John Prescott £200,000 on luxury London flat. Ahhh, poor little Prezza!!!
Severe weather warning as tornado threatens to batter UK. We already get tornados, albeit little ones so what's the fuss.
Report identifies UK terrorist enclaves. Round them up and boot them out.
Helen Clark, New Zealand's PM, ousted by wealthy investment banker John Key. A great result. Well done Kiwis.
French immigrants must learn La Marseillaise says Nicolas Sarkozy ally. So they should. Immigrants to Britain must learn to speak English, pledge allegiance to the Queen and have 'Rule Brittania' tattooed on their bum!!
Robert Mugabe's advisers tell him to hand control of police to opposition. If he obeys which I doubt, he will still control the police.
Fagin’s army of Romanian children earns gang millions in UK. Which idiot let them in?
Fire on Russian nuclear sub leaves 20 dead. Fairly standard for Russian subs.
the Clarkypoos bit......
Into the breach, normal people, and sod the polar bears. When Donald Trump has finished his awful golf course, Scotland will look even more stupid than his hair.
Racing Green Jaguar XKR 475
and James May
Who needs a Pagani Zonda?
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