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Friday, 28 November 2008
Here's harsh things a woman can say to a naked man.
1. I’ve smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it’s cute.
3. Why don’t we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It’s okay, we’ll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no… I just got a flash headache.
11. (Giggling and pointing)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it’ll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won’t take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don’t we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It’s a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you’re supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the early bird.
H/T Mark Scott
Thursday, 27 November 2008
The Secretary Of State Rhyme Contest...
..anyone who is bored leave your entries in the comment section. I will post them later. Limericks also would be good.
Hilly had a little Lamb'
She named him 'lil Billy,
Everywhere that Hilly went,
He followed with his willy.
News....
Mumbai terrorist attacks: Troops launch operation to free hostages. This will not end well. Islam proves once again that is a threat to civilization.
Not a single rasher of bacon served to UK forces is British. An effing disgrace. The MoD are a joke.
Lesbian soldier pestered for sex by her male boss wins 'obscene' £200,000 payout. Greedy dyke. She now wants to join the police so expect another similar lawsuit in a couple of years.
It's great news for the impatient gentleman - women say foreplay is overrated. Australian's idea of foreplay: 'Brace yourself Sheila'!!
Drugs police raid grandmother's home... after mistaking TOMATO plants for cannabis. The Keystoners at it again.
Barack Obama plans 20,000 troop surge to boost Afghan effort. Bulls**t. General Petreaus and Dubya have been planning a surge in Afghanistan and have been for some time. Obama is already gettting a Napoleon Complex.
Should Thabo Mbeki be blamed for the early deaths of 365,000 people from Aids? Not to mention the thousands dying from cholera in Zimbabwe where he is keeping Mugabe in power.
Intelligence chiefs were expecting Al-Qaeda spectacular. A two year old could have predicted it. We need to up our game to eradicate radical islam.
and
Things To Be Thankful For In A Troubled World. by Jules
Bird of the Week: Eastern Wild Turkey.
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Wednesday, 26 November 2008
Bits and bobs...
Alibhai-Brown's Media Outrage. More bull from 'Terrorist Alibi' Brown.
American troops in Afghanistan through the eyes of a French OMLT infantryman. A great article.
and a couple of oldies from Jules.
Euro giving
Uh Thanks
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Five Reasons Computers Are Female....
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
4. The message “Bad command or filename” is about as informative as “If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you.”
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your salary on accessories for it.
H/T DML
Tuesday, 25 November 2008
New Stock Market Terms
CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer
CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.
H/T Peter Gunn
Who said what.....
It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775."
The teacher said. "Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'"
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863" said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "F*ck the Indians."
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Chandrasekhar put his hand up: "General Custer, 1862."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glared around and asked "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Chandrasekhar answers,"'George H.W. Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells,"'Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004."
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're screwed!"
And Handrasekhar said quietly, "I think it was the American people, November 4, 2008."
H/T Shelly
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News...
Marine Makes Insurgents Pay the Price. The 'terrorists' are slow learners. They will not win.
One person injured in elevator explosion. Dangerous things elevators.
Zimbabwe on the Verge of Collapse. No s**t.
The day New Labour died: Brown ditches historic pledge not to raise income tax in £1TRILLION gamble to save economy. Britain is ruined!
U.S. agents 'bugged Tony Blair's private phone calls for years'. Don't blame them. Probably the most untrustworty PM we have ever had.
PETROL: The stealth taxes that will put 5p on a litre. More backdoor thievery.
France demands £7bn farm subsidies before talks begin. F**k the French farmers. They are bloody useless.
Revealed: the true target of US Predator strike. As long as we get them all it doesn't matter in which order.
Somali pirates hijack Yemeni ship. We know where they are. So what's stopping us.
Voting setbacks slow down the Hugo Chávez ‘red machine’. The people are tired of his bulshit.
2 in 3 new jobs paid for by tax. The Socialist State continues to expand.
Obama Team Mulls Role for Miss Lewinsky in New Administration. Yeah. Keeping 'lil Billy busy while Hillary plays at being a statesman.
The Mechanic. Jules has been playing again!
and finally a thanksgiving recipe.
The Official Maggie's Farm high fat, high carb, high cal Mashed Potatoes
Monday, 24 November 2008
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